


One year in Oslo

by HerthaLind



Series: Songs of SKAM [2]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/M, Family Drama, Is this love?, The Balloon Squad (SKAM), Yousana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2018-12-24 14:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 63,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12014478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerthaLind/pseuds/HerthaLind
Summary: This is the continuation of SKAM S04 and my story "From Turkey with love".Yousef is back from Turkey, school is starting and Sana and Yousef have to deal with love in real life so to say. Meeting their friends and families and testing "the Rulz for physical interactions".





	1. Life is smiling

### Life is smiling : Friday, August 4 and coming week

 

Life was smiling. Sana had about one more week of summer before school would start again. The weather was ok most of the time and Yousef was finally back from Turkey. Seeing him again, in the flesh, was wonderful, better that she could have imagined. Once the initial shyness had landed off course. They had gotten close all those weeks apart. They had written to each other almost every day and gotten to know each other on a new level. Yousef was working his last week at the kindergarten and would soon start to study to become a preschool teacher. They hanged out together basically every free moment, mostly outdoors to make the most of the remaining summer and often with friends.

When it was raining they had umbrellas or took shelter by a bus stop, a big tree or in a café. They were in the parks in the city, on Sana’s balcony, at Idiotens basketball court, at the Bygdøy beach, on the docks of Sørenga, playing backgammon, basketball, or just talking, walking, drinking tea or coffee... And kissing.

 

Sana enjoyed the kissing more than she would want to admit. It made her warm and dizzy every time. She could not imagine ever getting tired of it. And Yousef looked so foolishly happy, so blissed. She loved that about him, he was always so present, so in the moment. And he managed to get her with him, to get her to stop thinking and just be. Life is now, right? And life was smiling at them.

Sana could easily overanalyze and constantly risked getting trapped in catastrophic thinking, going five steps ahead a problem. It wasn’t always bad, many times it was an asset to her. She would plan things ahead and prepare herself mentally for challenges that did or did not occur. But sometimes it was destructive, it could lead to her not allowing herself to enjoy life. She often had a feeling of under accomplishment and put pressure on herself to better and smarter than people around her, she never felt quite good enough.

But with Yousef, she just didn’t care, she just enjoyed life, the summer, him. She decided to just save all worrying and over analyzing for a rainy day in the future. Her friends hardly recognised her when he was around.

 

They could walk down the street with friends and deliberately walk a bit behind. Sana loved to surprise Yousef by taking him by the hand and drag him with her around the corner of a building or into a small alley, where nobody could see them and kiss him. He would look so happy then, like he had won the world cup. Their friends were mostly patiently with them. Yousef’s friends knew he had been longing for Sana for years and Sana’s friends just thought they were adorable.

Once Elias noticed they were gone and went to look for them, just to find them behind a huge tree by the path. “ **Come on Yousef! You really can’t keep you hands to yourself** ” he complained.  Yousef interrupted him “ **Wait, what?! It was Sana! She started it. Why do you assume it was me?** ”. He got support from Mutta “ **Seriously Elias, if I was Yousef, I’d be more scared of Sana than you** ”. Elias gave up “ **Ok, whatever, but if you hurt her, Wallah, I’ll break…** ”. Sana interrupted him " **Oh, please, come on, we all know I can take care of my self** ".

 

Sana and Yousef had already agreed to take things slow, and to not talk to seriously about the future but for now, to just enjoy each other company and figure out what this was and where it was leading. Sana had even put up three rules for safe physical interaction, that Yousef had approved from Turkey.

Rule 1. Kissing, hugging and touching is ok, but not under any clothings

Rule 2. To not be alone in a room with the door closed

Rule 3. To not kiss or do things in public, in front of other people

The trick was to find the “grey zones” between public and private, public but not in front of others or in a closed room. So far it work beyond expectations. There were a million grey zones in the city. Some favorite places were under an umbrella, Sana’s balcony and on the stairway before entering the Bakkoush apartment.

 

Sana had an extra rule, for herself, to not get carried away. It was to not show Yousef fully the effect he had on her, to not let him know how much he was beginning to mean to her. She was still not convinced that this love story would last. She wanted it to, in her heart, but her head had doubts.

 

### Game of Thrones S07E04 “The Spoils of War” chat : Monday 7 augusti 23:23

Sana: **did you get home ok?**

Yousef: **Yeah, I am home now. It was nice watching GoT with you and Elias :)**

Sana: **:) only 4 episodes left :(**

**I hope Arya will kill Littlefinger, take his face and lead his army.**

Yousef: **he seemed pretty freaked out when he saw her fight.**

**and when Bran said that chaos is a ladder. Littlefinger said that once**

Sana: **But Littlefinger is not on her list right?**

Yousef: **No. or not yet…**

**Anyway, I think it is more likely that Jamie will kill Cersei than Arya, if he is still alive. He can get close to her and the fortune teller said she would be killed by her little brother once all her children were dead, that is one reason she always hated Tyrion.**

Sana: **? this was not in the TV-series**

Yousef: **not sure. Probably only in the book then**

Sana: **What do you think about Daenerys and Jon? Creepy, she is his aunt!**

Yousef: **a sexy aunt though :P**

**and they are the same age and probably the only Targaryens left and they have a tradition of marrying each other so…**

**“Song of Ice and fire” makes sense.**

**But Jon might have a better claim for the thrown, if it is revealed that Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark got married. Then he is not a bastard.**

**Targaryens have a history of polygamy as well. One Targaryen king once married both of his sisters**

Sana: **hmmm. still creepy!**

**I should get to sleep now**

Yousef: **Good night my Khaleesi**

 

### Saying I love you : Wednesday 9 August

When the annual Øyafestival was in Oslo they didn't have tickets and decided to go and have a picnic out on the slope by Tøyen park. The view of the festival area and the stage left much to wish for but the sound was ok. It had been raining like crazy so the picnic-idea failed but a few brave friends hanged out there dressed in rain ponchos among them Isak, Even, Elias, Mutta, Chris, Vilde and Eva. Yousef put his hands inside Sana's poncho and rubbed her arms to keep her warm. After Migos had played they gave up and went to Isak and Evens place instead. They had beer but no soft drinks so Yousef and Even went to get some drinks and and Mutta and Elias to get pizza.

 

“ **So Sana, what do you know about Mutta?** ” Chris asked her. Sana had noticed Chris and Mutta laughing and talking a lot and raised an eyebrow at her. “ **I, eh, don’t know that much. He is an ok guy, friend with Elias since forever** ” she answered. “ **Is something going on between you two?** ”. “ **I hope so** ” Chris answered.

When the guys were back with food and drinks there were too few chair so Yousef sat down on the floor by Sana. He seemed happy and kissed her on the check. “ **I talked to Even, we are going to take a coffee next week and talk some more** ” he said. She nodded, smiled at him and wondered why Yousef seemed so much more affected by Even’s incident last year than the other guy. Was Yousef more sensitive, more emphatic or feeling more guilty for not being able to be there for Even? Or was it maybe only that he had talked to her about it, while none of the others really had, only Elias briefly when she had asked him. 

 

Eva was talking about her stay in England this summer. “ **It is strange but so cute, they call you love, all the time, like in the pub, _What can I get for you love?_** ”. Mutta joined, “ **Yeah, but English speaking people don’t use the word _love_ like in Norwegian, they go around saying _I love you_ to like everybody in everyday situations, like saying it in the end of a phone call with your mom!** ”

Isak said “ **We learned to say I love you in Arabic when we were in Morocco, _Kan hubek_ , is it right?** ”. Elias corrected him a bit “ **Sure _Kan hubek_ or _N'habek bezaf_ , it is more romantic, like I love you too much. Or even better, you can say _N'mout aleik_ , meaning _I would die for you_ , that is more passionate**”.

“ **But it is the same saying it to a man or a woman? It sometimes differs right?** ” Even asked. Sana got involved “ **It’s the same, but it’s much a thing guys say. Seriously, I have never heard a woman say _N'mout aleik_ , not even in a movie or love song, it is too emotional** ”. “ **Too emotional for women?** ” Isak asked confused and laughed. " **That explains a thing or two Sana!** ", he added. “ **Nice, so arab guys are more emotional then? I am trying hard to picture a Norwegian guy saying** _ **I would die for you** _ ” Chris added with a dramatic voice. " **What?!** " Even said offended. " **I could totally deliver that line. What was it again? _ **N'mo** ut aleik , I would die for you!_**"

“ **What about Turkish?** ” Even asked turning to Yousef. “ **In Turkish I love you is _Seni Seviyorum_ . It means a lot. It would be strange to go around and say it to friends or family**.” “ **Oh, we already know _Seni Seviyorum_** ” Vilde said with a smile. " **And was was the other _I wanna make love to you_** " she asked started to laugh with Chris and Eva while Sana rolled her eyes and shook her head at them. “ **Have I miss something?** ” Elias asked. “ **Don’t worry Elias, it was nothing, just my cousins, stealing my phone this summer** ” Yousef explained.

 

Some of them started to play Fifa but Sana wanted to go home and Yousef said he'd walk her. It was cold and wet but at least the rain had stopped temporary. They walked quietly and almost didn't see a soul on the streets. " **Are you cold?** " Yousef asked. " **A little** " Sana answered. He stopped and started rubbing her arms under the poncho to make her warmer. She pulled him closer and stretched her neck so she could reach his lips and kissed him slowly. It worked, she got a lot warmer now. Yousef exhaled and said " **Wow, eh, you...** " then shook his head and tried again " **... we probably shouldn't kiss like that. It is too... confusing** " with an embarrassed smile on his lips. Sana gave him an innocent look " **What do you mean? Confusing how?** ". Yousef continued walking " **Now, you are just making fun of me. Go away, I can't even look at you now** " he said teasingly, walking backwards looking at her.

Sana laughed at him " **What? Seriously how can I make you confused? I don't want to make you confused? What are you confused about?** " she said smiling walking closer to him again. " **Oh, no, keep you distance, stay calm. Keep one arm's length** " he answered, putting his hand on her shoulder with a straight arm. " **Yousef? Are you afraid of me?** " she asked. " **I am not afraid... I am being smart** " he answered and then changed the conversation started talking about his courses starting next week. 

 

 

### School starts again : Saturday 12 august

They were hanging out on Sana's balcony, playing backgammon. Yousef was distracted and kept losing. “ **Is everything ok?** ” Sana asked. He smiled at her and said “ **Yeah, sure** ” but he wasn’t very convincing so she gave him a dubious look. “ **No, it’s nothing. Just school starts on Tuesday and I checked my schedule and talked to my boss and it seems like they cannot guarantee any workdays. They’ll call me and see if I can work when somebody is sick but that might clash with lectures so…** ” he explained. “ **You’ll miss the kids?** ” she asked. “ **Yes, off course but it’s not that. I will have three weeks in October at a kindergarten anyway, as parts of the education, but that is unpaid. And I was hoping to be able to get an apartment now, move away from home. It would be easier to get an apartment if I can say that I have a part time job. And easier to afford it too** ”, he clarified.

Sana had no idea it was that difficult to get an apartment, it seemed so easy when Isak and Even got their apartment.

“ **Why does it feel so important to move now?** ” she asked. “ **I have wanted it for some time, but it was more difficult getting an apartment than I thought and then my dad got unemployed... So I stayed to help out... But lately it’s just been too strange at home, more tension. Mum is bugging me about never being at home and dad, he is often low and frustrated, arguing with my mum about stupid things and now he started to bother me about not being a muslim, not praying. And when I say I just don’t believe he gets upset like he can’t accept that I don’t believe and then expect me to have an answer to every existential question. I don’t know what happens when we die, I don’t think anybody knows. He keeps saying everybody has doubts** ”.

“ **Maybe he is right, maybe it will pass** ” she said. “ **Please Sana, not you too**.” He sighted. “ **I have tried you know, but it just feels fake, like I am pretending. I wonder if it ever was real for me.** ” he looked away sad. “ **Ok, sorry, I will not bug your about it again** ” she said and smiled at him. “ **Have you thought about sharing it with somebody? Like Noora and Kollektivet?** ”.

 

They were interrupted by Sana's father. " **Sana, we are going to your aunt now** " he said to Sana, then turning, surprised to see Yousef on Sana's balcony. " **Yousef? Are you still here? Elias went out over an hour ago** ". " **Yes. But I guess I will be going to now then?** " he asked Sana who nodded and walked him to the hallway. Their good bye was a bit awkward, since both of her parents were watching them. When he left Sana looked at her parents who stood there in silence. " **He is my friend to** " she explained. " **Ok** " he mum said, " **Sana there is food to heat up in the refrigerator when you get hungry. We will not be very late** ". 

 

 

### Game of Thrones S07E05 “Eastwatch” chat : Monday 14 August

Sana: **OMG, he touched the dragon! And Gendry is back!**

Yousef: **Who cares about Gendry? I fear for Arya. Don’t trust Littlefinger, he is playing the Starks against each other**

Sana: **Yeah, Arya should just kill him already**

Yousef: **Anyway my theory of Jon being legit, and then the true heir, seems to be true! Rhaegar got his marriage annulled and re-married**

Sana: **I don’t like that. He already had a wife and two kids and then… gives it all up for the strong desire of another**

**Who, btw, was already engaged to Robert Baratheon**

Yousef: **Maybe neither Lyanna nor Rhaegar were engaged or married for love… it is not very clear in the book, depends who you ask...**

Sana: **so if they are not in love or fall out of love it is ok?**

Yousef: **eh, idk, but Lyanna was never married and Rhaegar got an annulment so technically they didn’t do anything wrong**

Sana: **Rhaegar abandons his wife and two small kids and he did nothing wrong?**

Yousef: **Idk, it is a story!**

Sana: **You know nothing Yousef Acar!**


	2. Love in real life

### At the Bakkoush home

Yousef came by the Bakkoush home most days after work or classes. Often with the excuse to hang out with Elias, like before. But somehow he always ended up “disturbing” Sana in the kitchen or to play Backgammon on her balcony. Her parents understood what was going on but didn’t mind. Or perhaps they just figured that it was better them being there that alone somewhere else.

 

Her mother sometimes asked how things were going with Yousef. At one point her mother had told her it is good not to rush things and consider a person over the length of one year, so that you get to see how the person's personality shifts over the seasons. Over the course of one year normally even the most intense emotion cools down for some periods.

At another occasion her mother had told her that taking things too slow will not necessary prepare you more. She was talking about long engagements, how they are not always prefered, and risks ending with somebody getting hurt. At some point it is a question of making a choice and have faith in love.

 

Sana just told her not to worry, they were were not doing anything wrong. Her mum sighed and explained “ **I can see that he makes you happy. You are calmer now, less stressed and angry. I am not worried that you would do anything wrong. I just care about you, your heart. And I do care about Yousef as well. You are both still very young** ”.

Sana didn’t know what to answer to that more than assure her that they were careful and took things slow. But she was not sure about what that meant anymore. In her head she had already leaped years ahead and imagined them growing old together, having crisis about religion, marriage and parenting. Both the good and the bad had already happened in her head, different scenarios depending on her mood or things that influenced her. All the things she didn’t want to talk about with Yousef yet.

 

Her father seemed to like Yousef, although he liked to make fun of him just a little too much sometimes. Who could blame him, Yousef would get so easily embarrassed when it came to Sana. Elias didn’t help him out much, he rather made it worse. When Simo and Jamilla was home in Oslo they ended up supporting Yousef. “ **Hang in there and don’t listen to them, Elias is just jealous** ” Simo explained. “ **Things were ten times worse at Jamillas house when we got together. And when we started to talk about marriage it got even worse.** **_What have you done? Did you make her pregnant?_ ** ”. They laughed at the memory.

Yousef got uncomfortable and said “ **Ok, wait now, nobody is getting pregnant. We are just playing backgammon!** ”. “ **Backgammon?** ” Elias asked “ **So that’s what the kids calls it nowadays.** **_Baby do you wanna play backgammon with me?._ ** **Hmm gotta run it by Even, that could actually work as a pickup line.** ”

Sana shook her head. “ **Yousef, just don’t say anything. Don’t give them anything more to elaborate on** ”.

 

### Game of Thrones S0706 "Beyond the Wall" chat : Monday 21 August

Yousef: **sorry I didn’t stay to watch GoT with you. My mum wanted me home**

Sana: **aww, good son! You will be rewarded in paradise… or wait you don’t believe in it :P**

Yousef: **ha ha. But did you see it yet?**

Sana: **yeah, and you were right about the ice dragon! Poor Dany, lost her child :(**

Yousef: **no, but it was a bit expected I think. Now they need dragonglass from Dragonstone and Cersei’s catapult… everybody need to work together against the WW and the long night**

Sana: **good luck with that Westeros! Working together**

**And Jon and Dany seem cozy now but let’s see how happy she will be when she finds out he has a better claim for the throne than her! Mad Queen perhaps...**

Yousef: **Do you think? maybe. Or just chill since it will be her future child on the throne**

Sana: **a future mad incest child. I am telling you it is not natural**

Yousef: **nothing is natural with the Targaryens, they are part dragons!**

Sana: **you are seriously defending incest?!**

Yousef: **you can’t look at it that way! It is another world, dragons, dragon blood, White walkers, magic! Jon raised from the dead!**

**They have a long tradition of incest to keep the dragonblood pure...**

Sana: **you are not converting me here. Incest is always incest! I don’t care if you are hot or not, a Targaryen or a Lannister, you are still a pervert!**

Yousef: **I give up explaining the world of Ice and Fire to you!**

Sana: **Goodnight good son!**

Yousef: **Goodnight guardian of morality in the scifi world!**

 

### Intimacy : Thursday 24 August 

Sana and Yousef had met after classes and were on their way home to her. On the staircase Yousef took her hand and said “ **Wait a little. There is nobody around…** ”. She looked into his pleading eyes and knew what he meant. She was one step ahead of him and her face were higher than his and it made her feel in control. She stroke his hair from his face and kissed him softly. He smiled and looked so grateful and happy that she kissed him again and got a bit carried away. She felt dizzy and needed to grab the stair railing to not lose balance. Yousef laughed and helped her. “ **Hmmm, I think you like this a little too much** ” he teased her. She got serious and just answered dryly “ **I have no idea of what you mean** ”. He laughed even more. “ **Really, so I am just imagining things then?** ” he said and added boldly “ **No way you are going to wait for 8 years!** ”. That comment really pissed her off. Him talking about sex like it was some kind of competition, who could play it cool and resist the other the longest. Using her weakness for him against her like that. Sex wasn’t even about what she might like or not like at this stage anyway, that was irrelevant.

“ **Well, it might even be longer. Who knows when I will meet my future husband** ” she said with a sassy smile.

“ **Ouch, Sana, that is just cruel. Don’t even joke about it** ” Yousef said hurt.

“ **So it is ok for you to joke about tearing down my resistance but I cannot joke about an alternative future?** ” she confronted him stopping by the door waiting to enter the apartment.

“ **Hmmm. I don’t like the thought of you being with someone else. You are with me now right?** ” he started. “ **And I am not trying to tear down your resistance or make you change your mind. It is just so nice to feel that you like… being with me** ” he said hesitating. She opened the door and they entered the apartment. They went to the kitchen and said hello and talked a bit with her mother. Elias was still out but on his way home she informed them.

 

Later that evening Sana thought about Yousef and their relationship. She had never been one of those girls who wanted a boyfriend to feel alive or complete. She would have gladly waited a few more years before she fell in love. It might had been easier. She had been perfectly happy with her life before. Observing her friends messy love lives, trying to help them sort things out. And being busy with just friends, family and school.

When she was with Yousef she would often find him looking into her eyes like he was trying to read her, trying to enter her mind and stay there. Sometimes she just had to look away or change the situation. It got too much, too intimate.

He also seemed to be reacting to any feeling she had, and increased it. When she was happy he was at bliss, when she was troubled he was worried and when she was irritated he would get offended and sad. She did not want to hurt him on purpose, but she also needed her space.

She knew that she had trust and anger issues and she understood that her need to be in control made intimacy difficult, on an emotional level. That was harder, it was impossible to make any rules for emotional intimacy like the once they had for physical interaction. She was not ready to let him close, to show him all of her feelings yet. She needed to push him away, keep her distance and observe the situation, to observe him. And to reflect on what was going on, in her mind and in her heart. It stressed her that she had to worry about hurting his feelings.

 

### Game of Thrones S0707 "The Dragon and the Wolf" chat : Monday 28 August

Yousef: **I made it!**

Sana: **Good! It was nice to have you here for the grand finale! Even if you had to run to catch the last bus.**

Yousef: **So… what do we think now? it was a good season finale! Not too much cliffhanger**

Sana: yes! **so what was your favorite scene of…**

A.  ** **Littlefinger getting played by the Starks****

**B. Jamie finally leaving Cersei**

**C. Theon getting some kind of respect**

Yousef: **A, no doubt. Couldn’t care less about Theon. But he might still have an important role to play. But i bet it will be him disappointing again rather than being a hero**

Sana: **I also go for A! I am so relieved he is dead! If GRR Martin would still write the script he would fot have the Starks killing each other**

**Do you think GRR Martin not writing the story anymore makes the story easier to predict? Less surprise killings of main characters?**

Yousef: **Absolutely. D &D are less sadists, fewer sadistic scenes in general and less sex scene I think**

**or just more ordinary sex scene perhaps**

Sana: **If you find incest being ordinary that is...**

Yousef: **here we go again, just drop it! It happened**

**and they didn’t even know they are related...**

Sana: **whatever. So when is S08 ready?**

Yousef: **End of 2018 or early 2019 I’ve heard… only 6 episodes it seems like...**

Sana: **Well, it can’t go on forever…**

**So who will sit on the iron throne in the end**

Yousef: **someone unexpected**

**The Night’s King or perhaps one of the children of the forest…**

Sana: **Ok, so now we think we are following the humans, the “good guys” but in reality that is just our point of view, cause the look like us?**

Yousef: **Yes, that would be an interesting twist. Why is the long night bad? It is only bad for the humans...**

Sana: **Maybe Bran then? The three eyed raven…**

Yousef: **He has no desire to sit on a throne though... Theon! That would be a laugh!**

Sana: **to be continued...**

Yousef: **I am home now**

Sana: **Ok, good night, sweet dreams**

Yousef: **to you to <3**

 

### Eid al-Adha Feast of the sacrifice : days around 2 September

Eid al-Adha was coming up. Sana was going to celebrate with her family and Yousef with his family. Sana was teasing him “ **You still keep all the festivities and food, just the best, and skip fasting and praying in the mosque** ”. He just shrugged “ **Yeah** ”.

Her father had talked about the difficulty in finding blood donors one evening. Later on she heard from her father that Yousef had asked about becoming a blood donor and apparently gotten Elias and all the guys to donate blood as a Eid al-Adha sacrifice.

“ **Why didn’t you ask me to come with you to the blood bank?** ” Sana asked one evening when they were at the balcony playing backgammon. She would had liked to go and she how it worked. “ **You’re still a minor. You have to be 18** ” he answered.

“ **Anyway, it was a good thing you did** .” she said and added “ **And I like the symbolism, donating blood as a sacrifice** ”. Yousef smiled at her “ **I am Yousef** ”.

 

They continued playing for a while. “ **But I never like the story. It is a sick thing of God to ask Ibrahim to sacrifice his son. A kid** ”. Sana reacted “ **But it was just a test, to see how big his devotion really was. God never actually demanded him to do it** ”. Yousef sighted “ **It is still a sick test. To drag a kid into it. Ishmael was his own person, not a property or animal that his father could do whatever he wanted with**.”

Sana felt sad and offended. Yousef didn’t believe, so it was easy for him to criticize her God and her prophets. For her, it was not just a story, it had meaning, it was personal. “ **I think it is impossible to understand unless you believe and feel that kind of devotion to God** ” Sana answered seriously. “ **Yeah, but you could never sacrifice our son even if God would had told you to do so in a dream. You wouldn’t even consider it. That would be insane** ” he continued. “ **I wouldn’t have to, God never would ask of me to sacrifice my hypothetical son** ”.

 

Yousef looked hurt. In his head any future children where “their children” and Sana just made a point talking about “her son”, not “their son”. They continued playing in silence. Sana felt sad. So this is what it was going to be. Bit by bit she was going to discover all the part that her didn’t like about Islam, all the parts he had chosen to get rid of. Bit by bit she was going to feel alone in her faith, like it was pointless talking to him about it. In theory love conquers all, but in real life people hurt each other, especially the people you love.


	3. Trouble in paradise

### Party plans : Tuesday 5 September

Yousef’s 20th birthday was coming up the 21st of September. Sana had no idea of what she should give him for birthday present. It had to be something good, something personal. She was agonizing about it.

She had also heard, from Elias, that Yousef’s brother and a bunch of other relatives were coming from Turkey and Germany, and that they were planning a huge party to celebrate him and muslim new year. His grandparents were going to be there. She hadn’t really met any of his family members, apart from meeting with his mother when she visited the shop a month about ago. That was so awkward that she had never even told him about it, there was nothing to tell. “By the way Yousef, I’ve met your mother, she bought a charger for 200 crowns”.

So, when Yousef asked her if she was coming to the party she had been a bit hesitating. “ **It’s ok, you don’t have to come. Or you can come as Elias sister and hang with them on the party. There will be so many people there that I will not have much time to be with you anyway**.” She was not sure if he wanted her there, but just didn’t want to put pressure on her, or if he would prefer if she didn’t come or if he was indifferent about it.

She wasn’t much for big parties in general and here she felt like she risked being reviewed by the whole Acar-clan, because let’s face it, she and Yousef wouldn’t be able to be in the same room without people noticing they were together.

“ **I can celebrate you the night before, your last night as a despicable teenaged guy** ” she suggested and he seemed happy with that solution. She still didn’t have a present for him though.

 

### Yousef’s study group : Thursday 7 September

With school getting more busy and Yousef’s mum making a fuss about never seeing him at home they decided to just meet for a quick tea or coffee in the center after school on Thursday, instead of hanging out until late at Sana’s place. Yousef was already at the coffeeshop with his study group, four sweet female students who all just loved children, not surprising considering his profession.

Sana walked up to them, a bit disappointed, she had thought they would have finished studying by now. Yousef stood up, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and introduced her to the others. They were all nice, polite, but she felt their surprised and curious looks on her and that made her immediately a bit defensive. They were talking about small children, creativity and communication and they tried to include Sana in the conversation but she really didn’t know anything about that. Instead of being friendly and interested she got cold and bored and felt the need to leave as soon as possible. The problem was that her cappuccino had just arrived and it would be strange and rude to just leave now.

Yousef noticed it and seemed worried and asked if everything was ok, if she was having a bad day so far. It only made her feel more uncomfortable, feeling like everybody was looking at her and checking out nice Yousef’s moody muslim girlfriend. She used her normal excuse and said that she is just being stressed about school. “ **But you just started?! You will not have any important tests for months!** ” Yousef stated. She explained “ **It is my last year so I need to stay focused to get good grades** ”. Yousef rubbed her back “ **Relax! You worry too much** ”. Sana smiled at him “ **You are probably right. I should play basketball, it always help. But now I have missed practice and told the trainer to put me on the substitute list since I will probably not have time to go on games as much at before. Maybe that was a mistake?** ”. “ **Ah, so you play basketball?** ” one of Yousef’s study mates asked surprised or interested. Sana didn’t even remember her name. Yousef answered proudly “ **Yeah, she is really good to, plays defence on a team** ”. It made Sana irritated “ **I can talk for myself** ” she complained.

Sana looked at her phone, hoping for a message or an excuse to leave. She finished most of her cappuccino and made up that he had to go, that she had promised to help her mum with something. Yousef looked at her doubtfully, said he’d walk her to the bus stop and said goodbye to his class mates.

 

“ **What was that all about?** ” he asked while they were walking away. “ **What?** ” she wondered. Yousef gave her a meaning look. “ **I just don’t have that much in common with them, to talk about** ” she continued. “ **Ok, whatever. Sorry that you find my studies so boring** ” he answered. “ **They are nice, not that different from your friends you know** ”. She sighed “ **I thought we were meeting the two of us. I wasn’t expecting being analysed but your entire study group!** ”. Yousef looked at her and apologised “ **Sorry, I didn’t plan it like that. I don’t know, we often bring friends, I thought it was ok** ”. Sana nodded “ **It’s ok** ” and then said goodbye when the bus arrived.

 

### Lovely feet : Monday 11 September

Yousef were actually over to hang out with Elias and the rest of the guys to make a Hei Briskeby video, but went to find Sana on the balcony. It was getting late but the sun was still up. Sana was sitting on a pouf from Morocco reading something on her laptop, but closed it when Yousef came out to her. He kissed her on the cheek and sat down opposite her on a large pillow. “ **Hi, what’s up?** ” she asked. “ **Nothing, I just thought I’d say hi to you** ” he answered. They talked a little about the video and nothing special, her feet were close by him and he started to fiddle with her toes and massage the sole of her foot. Sana got surprised and asked “ **What are you doing?** ”. It came out a bit more accusingly than she intended. He was amused by her reaction and asked “ **Why, is it against the rules? Or you don’t like it?** ”. She answered “ **No, it’s not that but… they are not clean, I’ve been walking around barefoot** ” she tried to argue a little distracted. “ **I can’t imagine any part of you being dirty…** ” he said boldly with a smile, much too confident and it made her stunned.

 

“ **Besides, it is not like I am going to put it in my mouth…** ” he teased her and awaited her reaction. She blushed and just stared at him. “ **Oh, you would like that now, wouldn’t you?** ” he added and she pulled away her feet from him. He laughed and started to try to grab a foot. She struggled and screamed and laughed when he finally succeeded. He was on his knees and pretended to worship her and kissed the top of her foot just by the ankle. “ **Hey guys, we can hear you** ” they heard from Elias window and they got very still and looked at each other and laughed quietly. “ **I’d better join them and finish the video** ” Yousef said with a low voice. “ **But I’ll pop by and say good night before I leave** ”. “ **Ok, but it’s late, I might be asleep** ” Sana answered. “ **I’ll promise not to wake you then** ” he answered and left her after a quick kiss.

 

### Morning after chat : Tuesday 12 September

Yousef: **Good morning. You are really beautiful when you sleep.**

Sana: **What?!**

Yousef: **I couldn’t stay away**

Sana: **You were in my room...when I was asleep**

Yousef: **Don’t be angry with me. I didn’t break any Rulez, left the door open**

Sana: **smh still not ok**

Yousef: **sowri :(**

 

### Girls Talk : Wednesday 13 September

“ **He looks so peaceful when he is asleep, like a little boy. And sometimes he even talks in his sleep, but I’ve never really heard what he said** ”. Vilde was talking about Magnus, she had slept over at his place a few times.

“ **Once I caught penetrator-Chris looking at me while I was sleeping** ” Eva added. “ **It felt a bit creepy. I mean you don’t just stare at people who are unconscious** ”.

Noora joined the discussion. “ **I don’t know. I mean if you are close enough to sleep together, it shouldn’t be creepy. As long as you don’t take any photos! That is creepy!** ”

Sana hesitated at first, she didn’t want to expose Yousef, but she wanted to talked to her friends about it. “ **Yousef walked into my room when I was asleep. He sent me a message the day after, saying I look beautiful when I sleep** ”.

Vilde went “ **Aww. Sweet Yossi, he cannot stay away!** ”. Chris smiled at her “ **I am telling you, tops one year!** ”. Sana gave her a sharp look.

“ **I thought that was against the rules?** ” Eva asked, adding “ **I mean, it not like you sleep with your hijab on**.”

“ **I thought so too** ” she answered. “ **Technically it is a grey zone, he left the door open but… I mean I haven't set any rules specifically on not watching me on the toilet or in the shower either... or about kissing my feet...** ”

“ **He kissed your feet? He literally kissed your feet** ” Eva asked amazed.

Sana felt her face turning red “ **Well, it was just one foot and just for fun, not in an erotic way** ” she explained.

 

Vilde sighter, “ **Sana, when a guy kisses your feet it is always erotic! It means that he would kiss you anywhere, he is thinking about kissing you everywhere! If you let him** ”. Sana looked at her doubtfully.

“ **It’s the same with touching, if a guy starts to massage your hand or you feet, it means that he wants to touch you intimate parts** ”, Vilde continued.

Sana thought about how Yousef sometimes plays with her hands, massage it and fiddle with her fingers and the shy smile on his face while doing it. She use to think it was cute, that he was in love, but this put it into a different light.

“ **So you are basically saying that every touch and every kiss makes men think about sex!** ” she asked dubiously. Vilde nodded “ **Men think about sex every seventh second** ” she stated and nobody seemed to disagree with her on that.

 

Sana through her hands up in the air exhausted “ **Then I have to come up with new rules** ”.

Vilde protested “ **No, Sana don’t do that. He literally kisses your feet, foot. He is crazy about you, don’t take it away from him.** ” She seemed truly concerned about Yousef in this matter. Sana moaned and looked desperately at Noora for support.

“ **Look, did you like it? The late night visit when you were sleeping, him kissing your foot. If you didn’t like it, just tell him** ” Noora answered. “ **If you did, well just enjoy it** ”.

Sana started to explain. “ **It is not that simple. I will not do things just because I like it, not if it's wrong. We are already walking on a thin line between what is ok and not...** ” She thought for a moment and continued “. **.. and I believe it is the little things, the small choices that counts and leads you on the right or wrong path**.”

Chris smiled at her. “ **Don’t worry about it, you’ll figure things out...and when you do...** ” Chris said and raised her eyebrows. Sana gave her a tired smile back, “ **Yeah, yeah. I don’t want to hear it!** ”

 

### Meet me at home chat: Thursday 14 September

Yousef: **I finish at 15:00 today. Wanna meet. I’m meeting Elias later.**

Sana: **Ok, I have my last class at 15:30 so see you at home around four?**

Yousef: **ok <3**

 

### Surprise and sore lips : still Thursday 14 September

Yousef didn’t meet Sana at home as decided but turned up at school instead. She didn’t like it. She generally didn’t like surprises or last minute changes of plans. Yousef noticed her irritation and started teasing her about it.

“ **You don’t want people at your school to know you have a boyfriend. You’re ashamed of me!** ” he outburst and laughed a little. She just ignored him.

When they were alone at the bus stop he tried to kiss her, but she turned away. “ **My lips are sore** ” she said. “ **From too much kissing** ” she added. It was only partly true, sometimes Yousef’s stubble would scrub against her lips and skin, but the sun last weekend had also made her lips more dry than normal. Chris had noticed it and even given her a “magic” lip balm that was supposedly good.

He smiled at her and said “ **Aww, no. poor Sana, I’ll be extra nice to you** ” and kissed her forehead instead. But it just seemed to annoy her even more, she felt like he was treating her like a child.

 

Most of the busride home she ignored him and tried to not say anything that she would regret later. He smiled and talked like normal, and was trying to get her on his good side, to make her laugh and smile, but it only made it worse.

When they were home she was relieved that Elias came home earlier and she went to her room to study and listen to music. She wanted to be left alone.

 

### A break : Friday 15 September and following days

Sana never thought having a boyfriend would be so exhausting. Always having to take consideration to his feelings and still making sure he would overstep any boundaries. Normally life was full enough as it was with friends, school and family. Now she missed having empty space in her calendar, time and space to think and reflect and be alone. Prayers were done fast and unfocused and she hadn’t been much on friday prayer in the mosque lately either.

 

She didn’t see or hear much from Yousef the following days and it suited her well, she needed a break anyway.

 

She knew that she was over analyzing things.Vildes statement that men constantly thought about sex bothered her. All of a sudden moments with Yousef that she thought about as innocent and beautiful had gotten a dirtier meaning. The way he use to look at her with admiration and all the times he got confused and forgot what to say. Was he thinking about her naked then?

 

Before Yousef had been more shy and happily surprised when she had taken initiatives to kiss him or be close to him. Lately he seemed more relaxed and bold, like he started to think it was ok to improvise. Like taking the liberty to grab her foot and kiss it, or to enter her room while she was still sleeping. Like he was entitled to her.

 

She felt like her strategy and rules did not work and like she was losing control over the situation.

 


	4. Birthday boy

### Birthday coffee : Wednesday 20 september

Since Yousef had started studying he was more busy in general. Sana didn’t think he was avoiding her but after he had been at their house once without meeting her she started to wonder. When she asked he just answered that he thought that she needed space and since she had left her door closed she wanted to be left alone. It was partly true, but it still seemed awkward, him being in her house without even saying hi. So with his birthday coming up she asked if he wanted to meet her for a birthday coffee at the café where Noora worked.

 

Noora was so proud of being able to make them cappuccinos with leaf shaped foam and Sana ordered a brownie and put a candle in it. They chose to sit outside with blankets, they were the only two still defying the cold by sitting outside.

 

Yousef had just given her a friendly hug and a quick kiss on the cheek when they met and his smile was not as big as it used to be. Sana kept thinking “so this is what people mean when they talk about the honeymoon phase being over”. She asked about his studies and he about school and her friends. She gave him her present and he seemed to like it. I was “The World of Ice and Fire” a book with stories of Westeros and beyond, maps and illustrations.

He wasn’t very talkish and neither was she. After a while he took her hand and started to fiddle with her fingers, trying to get some physical connection with her. He started to slowly massage the palm of her hand. She didn't like it and pulled her hand back and looked at him annoyed. “ **What, so now I can’t even hold your hand** ” he said offended. “ **Are you angry with me?** ” he then asked. “ **Are you still angry because I went to your room while you were sleeping?** ” he continued, but with a tone that she didn’t like. She looked away. “ **I’ve said i’m sorry** ” he added.

 

“ **It is not just that** ” she answered, “ **It’s that you don’t seem to understand why it bothered me** ”. He got defensive and sighted and started to explain. “ **Come on Sana. I left the door open and I didn’t touch. Ok, I caught a glimpse of your hair on the pillow in the dark. I’ve seen you without the hijab before. I remember.** ” he said with a smug smile on his face.

Sana got furious and stared him down. “ **That comment just proves that you don’t get it! At all! So what! Adam and Mutta also knew me as a kid and you don’t see them waltzing into my room at night!** ” she argued.

“ **But I am not Adam or Mutta! Besides you were not a kid** ” he answered and shook his head. “ **I was 12** ” she protested.

He shook his head. “ **You were not 12. You had…** ” he stopped himself. Sana stared at him with her mouth open and her eyes fierce “ **I had what! I had boobs?!** ”

“ **You were at least 14** ” he answered with restrained calmness. “ **I don't think I even knew you at 12. You used to wear the hijab at school but not at home** ”.

They got quiet. He was right, she didn’t always wear the hijab at home, or when playing basketball in the backyard of the house.

 

“ **Anyway, I am truley sorry I did what I did. It won't happen again** ” he repeated trying to meet her angry gaze. He tried to make her smile and she wondered if this is how he used to treat the three-year olds at the kindergarten when they were being impossible and angry. She didn’t give in.

“ **I don’t think this is working** ” she said out loud. “ **I think I need a new strategy** ”. She was dead serious.

Yousef pulled his hands through his hair and leaned back in the chair and stare at her. “ **Wait what?! Serious Sana, you can’t put up rules for every possible scenario in life!** ” he burst out.

Sana didn’t move one millimeter, her face was calm but cold. “ **Well it sure seems like have to, doesn’t it? I’ll let you know when I have figured it out** ” she told him and looked away.

He observed her face for a while, waiting for her to say something more. “ **Ok then. Thanks for the coffee and the present and you’ll let me know…** ” he said and left.

 

Noora came out short after. She was having a short break and asked “ **What was that all about? Did you have a fight?** ”

Sana sighed and smiled at her sadly “ **I guess we are trying to figure things out** ” and then changed the subject, indicating that she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He had only eaten half of the brownie and Sana started taking it apart with her spoon while they were speaking, but she didn’t have any appetite for it now.

 

 

### Plague or cholera : Thursday 21 September

Sana was angry at Yousef. Furious. How dared he! He had made the smart choice to stay out of her way. Or he was probably mostly busy with his birthday and the party coming up on Friday. She was very happy that she had decided not go a long time ago.

 

Sana needed to figure things out and didn’t want to talk to anyone about it until she knew what she wanted. She didn’t want to leave him but she didn’t feel comfortable together with him either, not like before. Something had changed and ruined it for her.

Maybe she never should have started kissing him in the first place. That was probably her first mistake. She should have kept it a semi-platonic relationship with much less flirting and physical contact.

 

“ **Do you want to go with us to Yousef’s party tomorrow or do you have other plans?** ” Elias asked Sana at dinner. “ **I have other plans. I am not going** ” she answered. “ **Are you not going at all?** ” he asked surprised. “ **No, I just said that. I gave him his present and had cake with him yesterday** ” she answered annoyed. She could feel her parents confused and disapproving looks. “ **We decided to celebrate on our own, his last day as a teenager** ” she added as if that was a reasonable explanation. It had turned out that she had not been very good at celebrating him though.

“ **Dinner was good as always mum. I need to go and meet a friend** ” she added and left the table. “ **Who are you meeting** ” she could heard her mother ask as she walked out through the hallway. She pretended to not hear and mumbled “ **Anybody** ”. Once outside she started texting, first on her list was Chris. She would be the best choice. Chris was a very good listener when alone and she would for sure get her in a better mood. Noora would just look at her with that irritating analytical look of hers, not hard to imagining her parents being psychologist and sexologist. Vilde and Eva would not understand and just tell her to get it over with and sleep with him already, like sex was the solution, and she really didn’t want to hear that.

Chris answered immediately and even came with the Los Losers van and picked her up. They went to Ekeberg hill and sat there, looking over the city and played “Plague or Cholera”.

 

“ **Would you rather have to sweat strawberry jam from your armpit or cry chocolate?** ” Sana asked Chris. “ **It would almost be cute to cry chokolate! And useful! Besides I don’t cry half as much as i sweat so** ” Chris answered. “ **Ok, but imagine you being in a super emotional situation and Mutta came to comfort you and then you had chocolate all over your face. Your armpit is at least hidden under your clothes** ” Sana argued. “ **Not all of the time, when I sweat”** Chris pointed out.

 

“ **Ok, would you rather have a relationship with a serial killer or a close relative, like your dad or your brother? A sexual relationship.** ” Chris asked Sana. “ **Eeh, easy, a serial killer, but one with a moral code, like Dexter, only killing bad people** ”. “ **Still creepy, I mean he would really enjoy killing. And your brother is hot!** ” Chris added. “ **What is it with people trying to hook me up with my brother. It is not an option, it’s like asking if I would sleep with a dog. Until recently I felt like that about all my brothers friends as well. And most men, to be honest** ”.

“ **I wouldn’t know, I don’t have a brother, only a sister** ” Chris answered. “ **Ok, would you rather have a sexual relationship with your sister or a serial killer?** ” Sana added. “ **Ok, I get your point!** ” Chris answered.

 

“ **So you have never even thought about Mutta in that way, not even a little?** ” Chris asked. Sana laughed “ **No, no, no. None of them. Not even Yousef, to be honest, until maybe the passed year tops. I just thought they were immature brats**.” She thought about it, how much had changed, how much she had changed.

 

“ **How are things going with you and Mutta by the way?** ” she asked. “ **Oh, I don’t know. He seems interested when we meet and we have been joking and flirted a bit online to. But it is so much harder to flirt with someone who is not drunk, and I don’t feel like being too drunk when he is not drinking. It’s harder to get something to happen** ” she explained. “ **Or for me at least. I don’t get if he just thinks I am funny or if he is interested in something more** ” she added. Sana reflected on that and got a revelation. “ **Ah, so that’s why it was so difficult and confusing for us in the beginning** ” Sana  said. “ **I thought we were just shy and bad at flirting! Alcohol is cheating!** ”. Chris laughed at that “ **Yeah, I guess it is a little** ”.

Sana hugged Chris. This was exactly what she needed right now.

 

 

### Do right by God : Saturday 23 September

Sana slept a bit too long and when she went up she found her father in the living room. “ **Good morning, so mama is out?** ” she asked. “ **Oh yes, she went to her sister earlier. Come here and talk with me. Are you ok?** ” he asked. Sana shrugged. “ **So you didn’t want to go to Yousef’s party?** ” he asked. “ **Not really. It would just be crowded, too many people** ” she answered. “ **You prefer to have Yousef all for yourself? I can understand that, I don’t always like big parties either** ” he added. “ **But I don’t understand what is going on with you two** ”.

Sana tried to come up with a smart answer but gave up, “ **Lately I don’t understand it either** ” she answered. “ **I should probably just focus on my last year in school, get good grades and not think about boys** ”.

“ **Are there other boys on your mind?** ” her father asked worried. “ **No, off course not!** ” Sana reassured him.

 

“ **I never understood this, with boyfriend and girlfriend. Things were maybe easier when we were young. We knew what was expected from us, we broke some rules off course, but we had clear rules on how to behave** ” he said. “ **Like what, what rules did you break?** ” she asked curiously. Her father got nostalgic and started telling her a story.

 

“ **I used to visit your mother's house for several years before we even got engaged. I lived on the same street and used to offer to help your grandfather with practical things whenever there was an occasion and then I got to stay for tea or dinner and meet your mother. She didn’t seem very impressed or interested in me. One night when I had left the house I could see that the light was on in her window and climbed the orange tree to be able to look in. She noticed me and gave me a harsh look. I felt very stupid but wrote her a love letter and tried to explain that I could not stay away from her, that I thought about her all the time and quoted some poems. And I asked her to meet me by the orange tree after my next visit.** ” He laughed at the memory. “ **I even paid her little sister to give her the letter** ”.

 

He continued the story. “ **She came out, but only to tell me that if I ever did that again I did not respect her. I apologised and said that I would wait for her by the tree after every visit. She didn’t come out first but after five visits she did. And when I told her that I had decided to move to Europe I asked her to marry me and come with me. I was very surprised and happy when she said yes. I didn’t want to go alone and I knew that with her by my side I could managed any challenges ahead.“**

He looked out the window with a dreamy expression on his face.

 **“So my family started the normal procedure of visiting her family and arranged the engagement and wedding, it all took maybe four months. She took a great risk trusting me and moving to the unknown north**.” Sana had never heard the whole story, the part about him climbing the orange tree to peek into her window and secretly meeting each other by the orange tree.

 

“ **You are very much like her. You think too much. Don’t just think** ” he said and got a theatrical voice quoting a poem “ **Look past your thoughts, so you can drink the pure nectar of this moment** ”.

Sana did not recognise it “ **What is that?** ” she asked. “ **Rumi** ” he answered and went to the bookshelf looking for a book with Jalal al-din Rumi’s poems, a 13th century persian writer and Sulfi mystic. She read on the back cover that Rumi he had ended his days in Konya, Turkey and thought of Yousef. “ **Yousef is not a muslim** ” she said. Her father answered her softly “ **Everybody has doubts. You focus on your own faith. If you do right by God, he will do right by you** ”.

 

### In your dreams : Tuesday 26 September

Sana woke up to her prayer reminder with an uneasy feeling in her chest. This was the second time she had the same dream now, and she didn’t like it. She had been in her house, but it was much higher, like a skyscraper, and she had been standing on the balcony. Yousef was there with a smug smile on his face, eating a carrot. And there was a woman, behind the curtains, probably her mother. Yousef had turned away from her and walked into the house, and that was when the balcony started falling. She tried to scream but no sound came out and she was falling. Then she woke up.

 

After morning prayer she felt a little better, went back under the blanket in her bed for a while but didn’t want to go back to sleep again.

 

In school at lunch break Vilde was talking about dream interpretations. She had a book with some basic freudian dream psychology and a a dream dictionary in the back. They were playing around with it. “ **Ok, so what does jaguar mean?** ” Chris wanted to know. Vilde searched in the dictionary. “ **It represent speed, agility and power. But like always, if you have a personal association with the object then that association is of greater importance** ” Vilde explained.

“ **What about carrot?** ” Sana asked. Noora answered sarcastically instead “ **Oh, please, it is all based on Freud so anything long shaped is always a phallos symbol** ”. Vilde intervened “ **Well here it says that carrots represent abundance and fertility. But if you are eating the carrot in the dream it can indicate clarity, to see things more clearly** ”. “ **So the person eating the carrot has clarity?** ” Sana asked. “ **I guess so** ” Vilde answered.

“ **Hmmm, what about falling?** ” Sana continued thinking about her uneasy dream.

“ **Falling in combination with fear means lack control or lack of support from people around you** ”. Vilde explained again, looking in the dictionary. Sana nodded, this was actually useful. She continued asking about the different pieces of her dream puzzle. “ **And a balcony or a house, what does that mean?** ”. Vilde searched for balcony and house in the book. “ **Balcony can indicate your desire to be seen or noticed. And house often indicate either security or your appearance. But again, if it has another more personal meaning to you, that is of greater importance.** ”

Sana analysed her dream based on her new insights. In her dream she was falling when Yousef walked inside, her balcony fell, their special place. And it was combined with fear. She was losing control over the situation, she was going to lose Yousef. And her mother, being behind the curtains not supporting them. She had never really like the idea of Sana being with Yousef anyway, she thought.

 

“ **I think I am going to lose Yousef** ” she said seriously. Eva looked at her with scepticism “ **Why? Because of a dream. Come on you two are soulmates!** ”.

“ **No, not because of a dream. The dream just confirmed it. Maybe it is for the best. I don’t think I can be together with somebody who thinks about sex all the time right now. So not with any guy, I guess** ” she tried to explain.

Noora looked at her analysing her for a while before she spoke. “ **Ok, I hate Freud but… are you sure you are not just projecting your own forbidden feelings onto Yousef now? Projection is a powerful defense mechanism to help dealing with things you don’t want to face. In other words it is easier to blame Yousef then dealing with your own conflicted feelings about sex** ”.

Sana just stared at her. “ **So you are saying I am the one always thinking about sex? I don’t. Expect when it is forced upon me, like all the time now. And I do not have any conflicting feelings about sex** !” she stated very clearly. Noora smile at her “ **Don’t hate me now! But denial is another common defence mechanism** ” she said carefully.

 

 

### Reading Rumi : Thursday 28 September

Sana was lying in bed, looking through the book with Rumi poems that her father had given her. There was one about Joseph and she read it.

 

_O Joseph (sweet the name!)_

_is that you walking sweetly overhead_

_along the roof?_

 

_Shatterer of my chalice_

_Destroyer of my traps_

_my light, my trumpet_

_my victorious fortune!_

_Stir up my ferment_

_that my grapes may wine._

 

_Theif of my heart and_

_my highest aspiration_

_where I turn to worship_

_object of my adoration_

_my friend, my defrauder_

_seducer of my drunken heart!_

_Don’t kick the legs out from under me_

_Take my turban as my earnest_

 

_My heart got stuck in mud_

_up to its ankles_

_But I’d trade my life,_

_not just my heart_

_how the lovesick heart does burn!_

_So much for it,_

_so much for me!_

The words filled her up and she noticed how her face was burning and her heart was aching when she read the poem. She knew that it was not about her Yousef or herself, but still it resonated something deep inside her, something that she did not fully understand. She could not understand why her father had given her this book. Did he really think that she was old and strong enough to endure so much beauty och passion?

Or perhaps she was too young to understand any of it. Joseph was a prophet, known for his wisdom, chastity and beauty. Maybe it was not about love and desire at all but on another level, about the divine love.

She had not seen Yousef for over a week now. He had been busy with his study group. But she knew that he had been in her house earlier in the day, she had recognised his shoes by the entrance. But he had left without looking for her, without even saying hello. Was he avoiding her?

 

 

### Are you avoiding me chat :  Friday 29 September

Sana: **Hi. you were here yesterday?**

Yousef: **Hi yourself. Yes. I was with Elias**

Sana: **You didn’t say hit to me**

Yousef: **No. Your door was closed. I thought you didn’t want to be disturbed**

Sana: **Are you avoiding me?**

Yousef: **No. Are you?**

**I don’t know what you want anymore**

**We can meet tomorrow if you want**

**Go for a walk? and talk...**

Sana: **Ok**

Yousef: **After lunch sometime?**

Sana: **Ok, let me know when you are on your way here**

Yousef: **Ok**


	5. Love hurts

### God, you’re cold: Saturday 30 September

Sana met Yousef outside when he arrived. They went for a walk and ended up at “Idioten” the basketball court where they had first talked about what was important in life and religion about half a year ago. It felt like ages ago now. Yousef seemed low and tense and Sana wasn't fully sure she knew what she wanted. Just not this! She had this feeling that she had always known that things would never work out between them.

 

“ **Sana, look. I get it. I overstepped. I didn’t think. In my head we are together now, it’s you and me** ” he smiled. “ **So it hurts when you think of me as some stranger, someone who could hurt you. But I really get it. I violated your integrity and I am truly sorry for it** .” he looked miserable and was trying to convince her. She nodded and stopped walking. “ **Ok... But it is not just that. It is everything.”** She took a breath and continued. ” **It is the way you look at me sometimes and touch me and kissed my feet** ”.

Yousef seemed despaired “ **Wow, so now I can’t do anything right** ”.

He was thinking about what she had said and got notable upset. “ **Your feet?! That was for fun, you were laughing too! Where is this coming from?** ” Sana didn’t answer, she didn’t like to see him like this and wished she could just leave and go home. Escape. Disappear.

“ **You talk about me as if I am some kind of pervert, trying to trick you** ” he said miserable. “ **For me, it’s not even about sex. I thought you liked how we were. I thought you liked me** .” He shook his head and continued. “ **But, you cannot control how I look at you! I’ve had enough of this now** ”.

 

He sat down and looked at her frustrated, waiting for her reaction. She didn’t like to meet his eyes, she could deal with all his emotions and she didn’t know what to say. Was he breaking up with her? Were they already broken? She took a moment to collect her thoughts and feelings and then asked him “ **Are we breaking up now?** ”. “ **You tell me, Sana** ” he answered. “ **You're the one with a plan** ”. She couldn’t meet his eyes but she could feel him staring at her, waiting impatiently.

 

Then he took a deep breath and said “ **Just so you know, I do love you. Even if you think it’s too early to say it. You don’t get to decide what I say or feel** ”.

He waited a bit more and then went over and took her hand, but she didn’t give him any response. She had froze and kept looking down in the ground. “ **God, you’re cold** ” he said and walked away.

 

### Crying in the cappuccino

Sana was in shock. Her whole body felt paralysed. She had only two thoughts in her head. The first one was “I knew it was going to end like this” and the other was “I need to find a safe place before I start to cry”. It looked like it would start to rain to any moment now. Nooras work was near enough, only a few minutes walk away and the coffeehouse had a bathroom.

 

She met Noora’s eyes for a minute before she reached the bathroom. “ **Hi Sana, I am just closing up, do you want me to make you my last cappuccino for today?** ” Noora asked and Sana nodded at her. Once in the bathroom the tears brooke through and she couldn’t stop them anymore. She tried not to sob too loud. Her body was shaking, her thoughts were spinning and she was not sure what had just happened but she knew it was bad. She didn’t know how long she stayed there, in the bathroom, but Noora came and knocked on the door and asked if she was ok. “ **Your cappuccino is ready. And it’s just us two here now** .” She cleaned her face and went out and sat down by the counter and watched Noora cleaning up the espresso machine. “ **Here** ” Noora said and gave her the cup, “ **Look, I’ve learned to make hearts too** ” she smiled and looked proud and friendly. Sana looked down in her cup at the heart shaped foam and started to cry again. Noora handed her a couple of napkins. “ **Sana, don’t cry! Look, I’ll clean here and you drink your cappuccino, calm down and then you can tell me what is wrong**.”

Sana nodded and tried to smile. She was so grateful that she was there at the empty café with Noora instead of at home right now. She tried to collect her thought and focus. The cappuccino was lukewarm but still tasted good. Noora slipped her a small piece of chocolate too and ate some herself.

 

“ **I think Yousef just broke up with me** ” Sana finally said. Noora looked at her like she didn’t believe it and started to question her “ **You think or you know? What did he say?** ”. “ **He said that he had enough** ” she explained. Noora looked at her doubtfully “ **Enough of what? Did he say that he wanted to break up, or go separate ways, never met again? Something like that?** ”. Sana tried to remember the details “ **No, but I asked if we were breaking up… and he asked me, he left it up to me, but I couldn’t answer, I was… he was upset with me, he was angry** ”. Sana was trying to recall the conversation with Yousef earlier, a lot of it was blurry, she was not sure what exact words he had used, only the atmosphere, how she had felt. She looked at Noora and tried to find support and answers in her eyes. “ **Ok** . **Did he say anything more after that?** ” Noora was trying to jog her memory and help her to focus.

Sana remembered now, and dried her tears and took a deep breath. “ **He said that he loved me** ”, she answered but shook her head because she could not believe it. “ **But it was in a sad and angry way… like he had given up, he was upset, he was angry with me when he said it** ”.

 

Noora stayed still for a moment to see if Sana would say something more and for a moment they shared the silence, both trying to make sense of what Sana had just reported. Noora broke the silence and said “ **It doesn’t sound to me like he broke up with you** “. Sana looked doubtfully at her. Noora continued “ **Listen Sana, you are a smart girl, you rule at logical thinking but right now, you are a mess. You don’t make sense. You are having an emotional breakdown**.”

Noora took a pause to let the words sink in before she continued. “ **Sana, when a guy tells you that he loves you, he normally does not want to break up with you.** ” Sana nodded and put all her focus on understanding this simple fact, focusing on the meaning of the words that was coming out of Nooras mouth.

“ **You are scared** ” Noora continued “ **because… emotions are scary. Especially for people like us, who like to stay in control. Love is so strong, it is impossible to stay calm and in control. Believe me I know!** ”

Sana nodded again and felt calmer. This was a perfectly logical, comprehensible explanation for what had happened. This was something she could understand.

 

“ **But.. what if it is for the best?** ” she asked, “ **What if it is better to break up now than in a year or two. It will probably only be worse then?** ”.

“ **Sana, that is not your conviction or good sense talking, that is your fear. And the Sana Bakkoush I know does not let fear control her. So you are afraid of strong feelings and love. Join the club! It doesn't get better or easier just because you hide behind a rock and avoid him. You cannot escape your destiny girl!** ”. They laughed together. If there was anyone who could understand what she was feeling now, it was Noora. Her fear of love and losing control.

 

She knew that Noora was right and she didn’t want run away from Yousef. She knew what she had to do, but she was so tired. She didn’t want to fight anymore, but she also didn’t want to leave it like this. She started thinking about Yousef, who had the courage to tell her how he felt in that moment and how cold she must have seemed to him. She wondered what he was doing now. “ **I have to call Yousef** ” she said. “ **Good girl** ” Noora replied. “ **Do you need anything first, an espresso, chocolate, water?** ” Sana got a glass of water and Noora went out with the trash and left her alone.

 

### The phone call

Sana was grateful that Noora had left her, knowing her so well, giving her space to collect herself, her feelings and thought in order to make the difficult phone call. She walked over to a window, took a deep breath and dialed Yousef’s number. He answered after three signals.

“ **Hi Sana** ” he answered and sounded tired. “ **Yousef, I am sorry, I got scared and froze. But I am not cold** ” she tried to explain. He was quiet for a while and then said “ **Sana I don’t want to fight…** ” and she interrupted him “ **Neither do I, and I don’t want to make things complicated** ”. He sighed “ **What do you want?** ” he asked.

She took a deep breath. “ **Right now, I want to see you again. I don’t want to leave things like this. So right now, I want us to be friends again. We can figure things out tomorrow, together**.”

“ **Together?** ” he asked. “ **Yes, together** ” she answered. He was silent for a minute “ **Where are you now?** ”.

 

### What’s so funny?

It took him almost half an hour to get there. Noora was waiting outside with Sana until he arrived. “ **Ok, I’ll leave you two now. Be kind** ” she said before she walked home. They watched her leave and then turned to each other. Sana walked up to him and embraced him, whispering “ **I am sorry** ” in his ear. She felt his body getting looser, less tense, his shoulders sank down a bit and he exhaled. He held her and rocked her slowly and caressed her back. She wondered if this was how he used to comfort the small children at the kindergarten, when they needed to calm down. There was something very soothing about it.

 

She freed herself from his arms and started talking. “ **I don’t want to break up. And I liked how we were. I don’t think you are a pervert** ” she started. “ **It’s just that, being in love and being all emotional is hard for me, I don’t trust feelings, so I try...** “ she noticed that he was biting his lip trying to keep himself from smiling. “ **What’s so funny?** ” she asked. “ **Oh, nothing, it’s just you said it is hard** **_being in love_ ** ” he answered with a smile “ **You never say that. I’ve never heard you actually say it** ”. Sana sobered up and tried to rationalise it “ **Well being in love is just feelings, it’s not the same as actually loving someone…** ” but he interrupted her “ **Hush now, don’t ruin this for me. And you don’t have to say it back. Knowing that you are in love with me is enough to keep me warm all winter. You can say you love me next year.** ” He pulled her back into his embrace and closed his eyes. “ **Ok** ” she answered a bit confused. “ **But now I forgot what I was about to say** ”.

 

He smiled and mumbled. “ **Good, too much words anyway. You can say it tomorrow, or next year or just write me whenever it comes back to you** ”. He hugged her tighter, like he was afraid she would change her mind and escape. She relaxed and buried her face in his sweater and it stroke her how much she had missed this, being close to him without thinking about why. The smell of him and his warm body. If felt safe and familiar now. She hugged him back.

 

“ **So are we cool?** ” he asked. She nodded “ **Mhm** ”. He stroke her back and continued “ **And you are ok?** ”. She looked up at him, “ **Yes. Are you ok?** ” she asked and he nodded. “ **And… you forgive me for being an idiot walking into your room?** ” he finally asked. She smiled at him and answered “ **Yes, but… if you do it again you don’t respect me** ”. He looked truly remorseful and said “ **But I do respect you, I just need to remember to think** ”.

“ **Well, don’t think too much… or don’t just think…** ” she was trying to remember what her father had said, the Rumi quote about thinking. Yousef looked at her puzzled. “ **Eh, forget about it, it was something my dad said that I can’t remember now** ”. She kissed him softly instead and he smiled down at her and caressed her cheek.

 

They walked home together to her place and had dinner with her family like nothing had happened and ended up on the sofa watching a superhero movie with Elias. Sana fell asleep on his shoulder before the end of the movie, and woke when he was about to go home. She was exhausted.

 

### I remember now chat 1 : Saturday 30 September, 23.45

Sana: **I remember now what I was going to say...**

Yousef: **What?**

**Wait, will it make me happy or sad? Cause I am not sure I can take anything more heavy tonight...**

Sana: **Ok, I’ll let you sleep.**

**It is not bad! but maybe heavy**

Yousef: **Ok. Good night. I am too exhausted to be curious now**

**sowri, sweet dreams**

 

### I remember now chat 2 : Sunday 1 October, 08:45

Yousef: **So what was it? I am awake. New energy!**

Sana: **Ok. It’s not that I am afraid of you. That you would do something. But I am afraid that I might start to give up things that are important to me**

Yousef: **Don’t worry. I’ll remind you!**

**And we have you’re brilliant rulez. I’ll try not to bend them. Again**

Sana: **Ok**

Yousef: **Anyway, I don’t get it. Why did this become such a big problem in the first place… I am confused. One day everything was fine and then you didn’t want me to kiss you, touch you… even look at you? I know I fucked up… but still...**

Sana: **Ahh, idk. I just started to over analyse things**

**and someone said that men think about sex every seven second…**

Yousef: **What? That is crazy. How is that even possible?**

Sana: **Yeah I know. How can you even measure it?**

Yousef: **I don’t think about sex at work…**

Sana: **How can you measure a thought? When does it start and end...**

Yousef: **Anyway you can set up rulez on what to do and you can try to control your own thoughts**

**but you can’t control what I am thinking!**

Sana: **Ok :( Sowri**

Yousef: **We shouldn’t listen to smartass people. When it comes to us, we should listen to each other and only say what’s in our hearts**

Sana: **Rumi? I swear I read something similar by Rumi**

Yousef: **You are reading Rumi now?**

**I approve**

**Then there is hope!**

Sana: **:) Yeah, I got a book from my dad.**

**I think he was worried about me/us**

Yousef: **Good dad!**

Sana: **Here it is**

**_Let’s get away from all the clever humans who put words in our mouth, let’s only say what our hearts desire_ **

Yousef: **< 3**

Sana: **And the thing that my dad had said, about thinking was:**

**_Look past your thoughts, so you can drink the pure nectar of this moment_ **

Yousef: **Wow! Carpe diem!**

Sana: **It is so cool that Beyoncé named her daughter Rumi!**

Yousef: **:) but the backside is that now people will think we are imitating Beyoncé if we name our kid Rumi! :(**

Sana: **? Do you already have a list of baby names? For all 12 of them? That is a bit creepy**

Yousef: **Rumi, Santiago and Sophia… you can help me name the other 9**

Sana: **Oh no, 3 is more than enough for me!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, now we are about halfway there and I will need a break to write more.
> 
> I have drafted a story line, I have an ending and written a few "scenes" but it is far from ready to post.
> 
> Coming up Sana meeting the Acar-clan and much more


	6. Introduction to the Acar-clan

### Autumn break : first week of October

Autumn had arrived in Oslo. Things were without a doubt very good between Sana and Yousef now. Sana felt closer to him than ever before and more secure about her own feelings. So what if she got carried away sometimes. Yousef also seemed happier again.

 

Autumn break came and left. Sana spended a lot of it with her friends at Eva’s place having movie nights. They managed to go on a one day hike, a whole bunch of them together, a 12 km walk. First they took the train to Movatn and then back to civilisation through the deep forests by foot and the train home from Kjelsås. The forest was beautiful at this time of the year and the air was fresh.

 

### Do they know I exist? : Sunday 8 October

It was actually too cold to sit on the balcony now, but Sana and Yousef tried to ignored it as long as possible. They brought out blankets and Sana stole a pair of knitted socks from Elias for Yousef. They took a break from the balcony to warm up and make grilled sandwiches and hot chocolate. Sana had gotten a chocolate mustache. Yousef smiled at her, tried to take it away and took the opportunity to kiss her, right when the rest of her family walked in on them.

 

“ **Yousef! In my kitchen, with my daughter** ” her father said teasingly “ **Oh, don’t let us disturb you!** ”, he added chuckling at how embarrassed Yousef got. “ **Eh, she had chocolate…** ” he tried to explain. Elias laughed at that “ **And you just had to help her. You couldn’t just drink from your own cup? Ha ha, she had chocolate!** ”

“ **Ok, we are going back to the balcony now…** ” Sana added, ending the interaction with her family members. Her mum wasn’t laughing much and asked “ **Is it not getting too cold to stay in the balcony now? Would it not be warmer inside, in the living room?** ”.

“ **We like fresh air. And we have blankets and hot chocolate...** ” Sana explained. “ **Yeah, yeah, just don’t get too much chocolate, Yousef!** ” Elias yelled after them.

 

Back on the balcony, Yousef set up a new game of backgammon, still with a foolish smile on his face. “ **It is a bit strange that I haven't met your family** ” Sana stated thoughtful. Yousef looked at her dubious “ **You wanna met my family?** ”.

“ **I don’t know. It is just strange that you are here a lot and know my family and I never even really met anyone in your family** ” she answered. “ **Do you want me to met them?** ” she asked.

Yousef thought for a while and then started explaining. “ **The thing is, as soon as I’ll bring a girl home, they will get all worked up and ask a lot of questions. And since somebody on this balcony doesn't want to talk about the future in a serious way, I wouldn’t really know what to say** ”. He observed her reaction, she was both relieved and disappointed. “ **Anyway, I think that your parents are more relaxed** ” he added.

 

Sana was not so sure, “ **I don’t know. I mean they are chill because they know you already and I can handle them. I am not sure how they would react if I or Elias or Simo would bring home someone completely new, what they would say or ask, it never happened.”**

She thought for a while before adding **“It was a bit the same with Jamilla, she was hanging out with me a lot and then got together with Simo. But my mum was not happy at all about them getting married so young** ” she continued “ **they had to fight for it, to be taken serious** ”.

 

They continued playing in silence. “ **But, does anyone in your family even know that I exist?** ” she wanted to know after a while.

 

“ **Well, they know Elias..** ” Yousef started to explain, “ **and they know that Elias has a sister... that ‘ve been trying to impress… ”** he smiled at her. “ **But I have only really talked to my sister Leyla about you. And mostly when I have been low… when things has been complicated...** ”. He kept his eyes down on the backgammon board.

“ **Ahhh, so she probably hates me then! I am the girl who is making you miserable and confused** ” Sana realised after a moment of silence.

Yousef laughed “ **Yeah, a little bit, but she doesn’t know you yet** ”. He paused and then admitted “ **She gave me a really hard time about the Noora thing to** ”.

“ **So, you are close? You talk about stuff** ” she asked. He nodded.

 

“ **Look, I am going to my brother on Saturday, to help him with a bunk bed for his kids. You can come with me if you want to. They are chill.** ” He looked at her, awaiting her response. “ **Ok** ” she said with a smile. “ **So it is Kasim, the oldest? Who is married with Emelie? How many kids do they have again?** ” she asked. “ **Three, two girls and a baby boy** ” he answered and told her a bit about them.

 

### Noora talk : Tuesday 10 October

Sana and Noora was sitting in a window at school, both in between two lectures and mostly just killing time.

 **“So, things are a lot better with Yousef now?”** Noora asked. Sana nodded **“Much better. Partly thanks to you!”** she said and smiled at her friend. Noora smiled back and answered **“More than happy to help!”**.

 

Sana was thoughtful and continued **“You were right, you know. Not just at the café, also about me projecting and denying things.** **Yousef, he is... so sensitive and much more emotional than me. It is not all about sex”** she continued seriously.

Noora nodded and added **“I know. It is so easy to forget that also guys are very vulnerable when they are in love.** “

Sana agreed, “ **It is like we are used to, or taught to see women as victims and men as perpetrators, constantly being told that we, women have to be smart and protect ourselves, to not get exploited, or pregnant or get a bad reputation.** ” Noora continued “ **Or that we can and should use our sexuality to our advantage, like a weapon against the enemy, the man.** ”

Noora looked out at the people below  on the schoolyard and added “ **Sure we still have a lot to fight for before we can talk about any true equality between men and women, you know domestic violence and rape and all. But on a personal level I think I am at least as likely to break Williams heart that he is breaking mine.”**

 

Sana was thinking **“Yeah. I know I already have hurt Yousef, several times, when I have been insecure or hesitant. I didn’t mean it, but it happens. His sister apparently hates me”**.

Noora raised an eyebrow **“Did you meet his sister?”** she asked.

 **“No, but he told me. She is the one he goes to when he is sad…”** she explained. **“But I am going to meet his brother on Saturday”**.

 **“Hopefully he is nothing like William’s brother”** Noora added and raised an eyebrow at her. They laughed at it and Sana shivered at the thought of William’s psycho brother. “ **Yousef says he is chill, a good introduction to the Acar clan I guess. Married with small kids. It will be ok** ”.

 

Chris arrived and joined them and Noora filled her in on Sana’s plans for the weekend. “ **It’s getting serious. Are you nervous** ”. Sana thought for a minute “ **No, I normally get along with the guys. It’s the women in his family that makes me nervous** ”. Chris agreed, “ **I know, right, it’s normally the bitches that are scary!** ”. Sana felt relieved “ **So it is not just me then?** ”. Noora also agreed “ **I know that us women should stick together in solidarity but** **it’s like other women can see through you and judge you harder** “. “ **Hmm, I’ll try to remember this when Elias brings home a girl, whenever that will be. Still, I get it, off course a guy in love is all blind and stupid. So it is just natural to try to protect him** ”, Sana added.

 

### Meeting Simo’s friend: Wednesday 11 October

Sana was meeting up with Yousef down town by the library and while waiting for him she ran into Kristofer, an old friend of her brother Simo. The started talking and it turned out he was studying medicine at the university of Oslo. Sana had a million questions and was so caught up in the discussion that she didn’t even notice Yousef when he came. He went closer and took her hand to get her attention. “ **Oh, hi, here you are! Yousef do you remember Kristofer?** ” she asked. They said hello and Yousef pretended for a second to not recognize him before he answered “ **Oh, yeah you are one of Simo’s friends** ”. “ **He studies medicine in Oslo** ” Sana explained. Yousef nodded. Kristofer asked Yousef what he was doing and Sana if Simo and Jamilla was planning to come home over Christmas and New Year. “ **They better, it’s my birthday on Christmas eve** ” Sana explain.

 

Sana and Yousef walked away. They were planning to buy a present for Leyla and Arash baby. Yousef commented when they were walking “ **You always did like Simo’s friends better** ”. Sana laughed “ **What?** ” and looked at him amused. “ **You did! You and Jamilla would lose all interest in us, as soon as Simo came home with friends** ” Yousef explained. “ **Well it is not so strange, Jamilla was in love with Simo** ” Sana pointed out. Yousef didn’t give up, “ **It wasn’t just Jamilla. You were two years younger than us but still acted like we were too young for you** ”. Sana answered with a sassy tone “ **Well can you really blame me? You were, ehm are, pretty immature** .” Yousef looked offended. “ **Not you personally and alone, but you all as a group. Your Hei Briskeby videos, stupid games…** ”. Yousef took a breath and got didactic on her “ **Games are not stupid, they are good tools for learning, socialising, creating a group feeling. Take the Olympic Games for instance, it’s main purpose is not to find out who is the best at a sport but to promote peace and unity in the international community** ”.

“ **Wow, really, so Hei Briskeby is a peace project to? Just admit it, you got jealous seeing me talking to another guy** ” Sana teased him. “ **Maybe, a little** ” Yousef admitted. “ **Will it help if I tell you that he is already taken?** ” she asked. “ **So you are keeping track on who is off the market?** ” he teased her back. Sana smiled “ **Always good to know my options right?** ”. Yousef pulled her to him and mumbled in her ear “ **Don’t joke about it. You are with me now** ” before he kissed her on the cheek.

 

He was sweet, Yousef, Sana thought. Getting jealous for nothing, making sure she knew that he didn’t like the thought of her together with anyone else. Things were good. After the fight Sana felt like they had taken a big step forward, emotionally she felt closer to him now. At the same time they both seemed more careful when it came to physical boundaries. Yousef’s embrace was sweet but more brotherly that before. It was good, and safe, but a little boring from time to time, nothing risky or unexpected. Sana knew that this was they way she wanted it, the right way for them to be together. She didn’t want to test the limits so see how far they could go before it got to overwhelming, too much or too confusing, like Yousef put it.

Still she had to admit that Noora had been right, she did have conflicting feelings about sex now. It had been so much easier to avoid thinking about sex when you did not have a person in your life to distract you.

 

### Family is important : Thursday 12 October

Sana was home alone, trying to study but came to think about something her mother and aunt had talked about once. _Family is important, you don’t really know a person until you know their family_. She didn’t recall the situation but it was long before Yousef came into the picture. They talked about how a man treats his parents says a lot about him and how he treats his mother says a lot about his attitude towards women in general.

Yousef was a good son, it seemed and his closest confidant was perhaps his sister. And he seemed to be a feminist too. He had reacted when Elias pointed out the double standards for men and women and he had encouraged Sana to do whatever she wanted, to be a russ and not let the haters stop her. That was when she knew that he saw her, that he understood her and liked her for who she was.

 

Yousef was probably the least macho of Elias friends. He was caring and thoughtful and always respectful towards women and people in general. He seemed to be more the friend type then the boyfriend type towards girls, always helpful and not good at flirting. But then again, Sana couldn’t really take Elias or his friends serious when they tried to flirt. They were such boys! And they just got worse being in a group. Somebody should tell them.

 

She thought about Noora and William. Both of them had problematic relationships to their families, but somehow they seemed to managed to get it to work out anyway. It was like they were rebelling against their past and finding comfort in eachother.

For Vilde, Magnus obviously had been a good influence and support. Vilde was so strong, she could take more then anyone of them, and always came back up with a smile. Even if she was still starving for attention, approval and love she was so much calmer now compared to the first year.

Chris seemed to come from a good home, or maybe it was a bit too perfect? Her parents and grandmother trusted her and she always had money. But Sana had gotten the impression that Chris had grown up in the shadow of her perfect older sister. A bit like Elias in relation to Simo, compensating by being the funny and friendly one, that kept people, their squad, together and made everybody feel better when they were down.

Eva seemed loved but very lonely, almost forgotten and that was why Jonas had become so important to her in the first place. Her mother often seemed more like an older sister than a mother and her father only showed up with presents on special occasions.

 

### Uncle Yousef : Saturday 15 October

Sana was getting ready to go met Yousef and visit his brother. She went to the kitchen to say goodbye and tell her mother, again, that she wouldn’t be home for lunch. “ **Do you think you’ll be back for dinner?** ” her mother wanted to know. “ **Yes, I think so. I don’t think we will stay there all evening** ” she answered. “ **Say hi from me!** ” Elias said with an amused look. “ **What?** ” Sana asked defensively, she was already jumpy and got more nervous from Elias look. “ **Nothing! I know them. Sana just chill** ” he answered. Their mother was observing their interaction and gave Sana a hug before she left.

 

Was it really that obvious that she was nervous, Sana thought on the way to the station where she was going to meet Yousef. She was just going to meet Yousef’s brother and his family. They had small kids, how bad could it be. And Yousef had already reassured her that they were chill. A perfect introduction to the Acar-clan. They already knew her brother Elias and probably knew about her as well. She was aware that she could get defensive and seem rude when she was nervous and she didn’t want to mess up and leave a bad impression this time.

 

Yousef was waiting for her at Oslo Central Station. The train to Drammen were leaving in ten minutes and the ride there would take about half an hour. When they passed by Sandvika Yousef tried to explain where his house was and told her about the time when he missed the last train and walked three hours to get home. “ **After that you get so thankful that you stop complaining about the public transports, for a few days** ” he joked.

She thought about how lucky she was living in the city. A while ago Yousef sometimes ended up sleeping over in Elias room, but now he always made sure not to miss the last train. Sana wondered if it was because of her, that now it would feel strange sleeping over there like before.

 

Sana smiled at him. “ **So you could have just jumped on the train here instead. You basically took the train into Oslo just to keep me company?** ” she asked. “ **Yes, the best part of the day. And I didn’t want to risk that you got on the wrong train!** ” he teased her. She looked at him offended and then laughed with him, it had happened once that she made them step on the tram in the wrong direction and Yousef was teasing her about it ever since.

 

“ **How are thing, you know, at home now?** ” she asked. He made a face “ **Pretty much the same”** and didn’t go into any details. “ **But I have talked to Mikael and some others about maybe sharing an apartment. You were right, it seem much easier and cheaper to find a bigger place to share than a small apartment. Mikael can even use his mother's norwegian last name on the application** ” he said hopefully. “ **Do you really think that makes such a big difference?** ” she asked, realising that probably it did, that landlord were suspicious against anyone with a foreign name. “ **I know it does. Last year I and Even were looking at the same apartments, he and Isak got several offers although on paper I had better credentials with a full time job and all.** ” he explained.

 

Sana had never thought about these things much and realised how lucky and privileged she was, living in a large comfortable apartment with a backyard close to the center. Being the daughter of a surgeon and her mother, a translator that basically chose how much she wanted to worked based on if the assignments seemed interesting or not.

 

...

 

“ **Uncle Yousef!** ” Two excited little girls attacked them as soon as they opened the door. Or they attacked Yousef mostly and looked sceptical at Sana who was standing by his side. “ **Hello** ” she said to them and then turned to greet their parents. Kasim looked like an older version of Yousef and Emelie had red blonde hair and reminded Sana of Eva, but she was not sure it if was because of her looks or her Bergen dialect.

 

Sana got fascinated by the girls, Asya, the four-year-old, looked like a mini version of Yousef and Nisa, the six-year-old looked like a perfect mix between her parents with dark brown eyes and blond hair. Emelie was holding the little boy, Adam, and Sana noticed that he had blue eyes and almost black hair. She turned to Emelie and said “ **It’s amazing, they look like a mixture between their parents** ”. Emelie answered “ **Yeah, it’s fun right? Adam might even get to keep his blue eyes now. The girls also had blue eyes at first, but not for long. Anyway I think Adam’s eyes are a different kind of blue** ”. Sana remembered reading about genetics and said “ **Oh, yeah, brown eyes are a dominant trait** ”.

“ **Did you hear that girls! We are dominant!** ” Kasim joked. Yousef laughed and said “ **It is so typical you to look at kids as a genetic composition** ”. Sana got a bit embarrassed and explained to Emelie “ **I like science. And I really don’t know anything about kids** ”. Emelie answered her “ **It’s ok. Neither did I until I got pregnant** ”.

 

“ **What do you work with?** ” she asked Emelie. “ **Right now I am on maternity leave for another two months, after that Kasim will take over. But I normally work as a lawyer, mostly family law.** ”

“ **Yeah, Yousef, you know we have an extra bed for you, if wanna move in and help me out. The mornings are crazy with three kids!** ” Kasim added. “ **Ha ha hmmm, thanks but no thanks. I’d rather be fun uncle Yousef in the afternoon than to help you force feed those two and get them off to kindergarten** ” Yousef answered. “ **Yousef, I go to school now, not kindergarten** ” Nisa corrected him. “ **Yes, that’s true. How is school now?** ” he asked. Sana smiled at him, seeing him with the kids was just adorable.

 

…

 

Lunch was chaotic. The girls wanted this, but not that and the adults were busy cutting food into smaller pieces when Yousef noticed Sana was sitting there, all lost, with an empty plate. “ **Just take whatever you like and pass it on. Nobody is going to serve you** ” he instructed. “ **Oh, sorry Sana. Just feel at home. It’s just a short window of opportunity to get them to eat before Asya and Adam get’s too tired and impossible** ” Emelie explained.

 

Half an hour later Emelie was putting Asya to nap and Kasim went out with Adam in the stroller. Sana and Yousef were left alone at the table with Nisa who had put away her plate and was now coloring instead. Sana was exhausted from all the impressions and sounds and was happy for this moment of silence. “ **So imagine 15 kids and you’ll get an idea how a normal day at my work looks like** ” Yousef told her. “ **Respect!** ” she answered “ **At least my patients will be sedated** ”. He laughed and kissed her quickly.

Kasim came back. Without Adam. “ **Did you leave Adam outside?** ” Sana asked surprised. “ **Yeah, fresh air is good for him. He sleeps better outside** ” Kasim answered and Yousef agreed “ **At the kindergarten the kids slept outside as well** ”. “ **But are you not afraid that somebody will take him?** ” she asked worried. Kasim smiled at her “ **No, that is what I am hoping for! One mouth less to feed and more sleep in the morning** ” he joked. Then he showed her the baby monitor “ **Don’t worry, I will hear if he wakes up or if somebody would mess with him** ”. Emelie came back down and ate some more cold food.

 

After a cup of coffee Yousef and Kasim went to get the bunk bed and Sana was left alone with Emelie and the kids. Soon they were all awake again and it was impossible to keep a normal conversation, Emelie being interrupted by someone or something every five minutes. The girls wanted to go out to the playground. Emelie instructed them that it was ok only if they stayed at the small playground closeby and they needed to put on proper cloths first. When they had left, Emelie said to Sana “ **I know they are a handful, but you love them like crazy anyway somehow** ”.

 

Sana thought of an article she had read. “ **I read a scientific explanation to that, why parents love their offspring. It has to do with oxytocin levels in your body, it increases trust and nurturant behaviour and is released when you are close with somebody, like when you comfort a baby or child and especially when breastfeeding** .” Sana stopped and felt a bit embarrassed, sounding so theoretical when talking about something that she did not know anything about. **“Not that I believe that love can be explained only in scientific terms** ” she added. Emelie seemed interested though “ **I’d like to read that article. I think these type of explanations can be very useful, it can help new parents to get a good start and attaching to their children. I sometimes have tragic custody cases, children taken from one or both parents for different reasons and it is not always easy for the new parent, maybe even being adoptive och foster parents to get close to them in the beginning** ”.

 

### Turkish coffee

“ **You are staying for dinner right? Leyla is coming to** ” Emelie asked when the men were back. “ **So you told her?** ” Yousef accused Kasim. “ **No, she is alone this weekend and apparently had a fight with mama, again** ” Kasim explained. Yousef looked at Sana “ **What do you say? If we don’t stay Leyla will think we are avoiding her** ”. Sana nodded but felt like she didn’t really have a choice here. Kasim went to pick their sister up with the car.

 

When Leyla arrived she was the type of person who filled the room, not just with her enormous pregnant belly but with her whole personality. She was complaining about her irresponsible husband, Arash, going on a business trips so close to the expected date of birth of their first child. She joked and cuddled with the girls and started asking Sana a million questions, about Elias, school and interest. Sana skillfully changed the subject by talking about her pregnancy. “ **So you are in week 32? Well 95% of all babies are born between week 37 and 42 so I wouldn’t worry if I were you** ” she said sounding like a true doctor. “ **I know, but it’s not the point. You never know, anything could happen. And I can’t even tie my own shoelaces anymore, I can’t reach them. And my boots don’t fit cause my feet are swollen. So now I am wearing these ugly garden shoes! Arash should be here, take care of practical things, you know, getting me take away or whatever I want. I am gonna give birth to his child! It’s his fault that I am in this condition** ” she went on dramatically. Her brothers agreed and were completely on her side but Emelie rolled her eyes “ **Don’t be such a dramaqueen, you are fine. And you have us and mama...** ”. Leyla shook her head “ **Don’t get me started on mum. She said that my cooking, or lack of it, is the reason he travels so much. Can you believe her!** ”. That comment created some laughter.

“ **Talking about mama, Yousef how is your apartment-hunting going?** ” Leyla asked. “ **I can’t understand how you can still live at home. You have to be more active, nobody will come and give an apartment to you!** ” Yousef started explaining “ **It is not so easy. And I can handle mama** .” Leyla seemed doubtful “ **If you say so. You can come and live in our guest room if you want, until you find one. It would be nice to have a man in the house not my own is never home! I swear to God, if he is away when I’m off to give birth this child will not have a father anymore** ”.

 

Dinner went better than lunch and soon enough the kids got some TV time and started to get ready for bed. “ **Who wants coffee?** ” Yousef asked and started to count hands. “ **Turkish coffee?** ” Leyla asked. Sana had first said no to coffee but was now being convinced to change her mind. “ **Leyla is really good at coffee reading, you know fortune telling** ” Emelie explained. Sana looked sceptical. “ **It’s fun. Don’t take it too seriously** ” Yousef added. Leyla explained “ **I don’t foresee the future or anything, it is more like helping a person visit their unconscious. I tell them what I see and use some established methods for reading and interpreting symbols in the coffee ground. But it is the drinker that gives context and meaning to the reading. You need to draw your own conclusions** ”. Sana nodded “ **Ok, so it is a bit like dream interpretation?** ” she asked. “ **Exactly** ” Leyla reassured.

 

Sana drank her coffee after instructions to only drink from one side and leave the last part, the grounds of the extra fine grinded coffee, on the bottom. Then place the saucer on the cup like a lid, make a wish and stir it a little, turned it towards herself and place it upside down on the table to cool. When it was cold Leyla turned the cup and started to read it. “ **This half of the cup closest to the handle represents yourself. I see a tree with strong roots, family roots and do you see these vertical lines? Since they are more than seven it indicates that you will have a big change in the near future, or some kind commitment**.” Sana listened carefully and Leyla turned the cup and continued “ **This other half represent your surroundings, the external world.** **Ahhh, do you see this bird here, that looks like a stork?** ” she asked Sana, who admitted it a little reluctantly. “ **It also indicates a big change, something new, like a baby or a new project** ”. Yousef and Kasim protested unified “ **Come on!** ” and laughed. Yousef shook his head “ **You are just making that up now, for fun** ”. Lelay looked at him annoyed “ **Doesn’t it look like a bird, a stork to you?** ” she asked. “ **And I did not say it is a baby, I said something new, like a baby or a new project. And, anyway, this is not your cup, it is up to Sana to interpret the meaning** ”. Sana smiled and calmed them down “ **Guys, it’s ok. No baby! Something new. There are a lot of new things coming soon, I am finishing school soon in June, remember...** ”.

 

Leyla continued. “ **Oh, this is not good. Do you see this, the letter K? It normally stand for** **_kavga_ ** **, turkish for a fight, struggle or a conflict. Also in norwegian K for** **_konflikt_ ** **. Unless K has another, personal, meaning for you?** ”. Sana didn’t know want to say, even in arabic _kifah_ meant struggle and started with the letter K. Leyla continued “ **It could be an ongoing or a coming conflict, maybe one that you are avoiding. And it seems to be connected to this woman, can you see here, a silhouette?** ”. Kasim laughed, “ **Drama with another woman? Yousef what are you playing here?** ” he joked. Leyla hushed him “ **This is not your reading Kasim, wait for your turn. And it is not about Yousef now either** ”. Kasim rejected the offer “ **No, thank you, every time you read my coffee there is another stork coming. We are done with babies now** ”. Leyla answered sarcastically “ **Sure blame me! I am only the messenger here** ”.

 

She turned to Sana “ **Do you remember the wish, you made in the beginning?** ” Leyla asked. Sana nodded. “ **It is often considered to be connected to the rest of the reading. And these lines indicate that it will come true** ”. Sana had wished that Yousef’s family would like her. Now she was wondering about the female silhouette, if she should expect a conflict with his mother or sister in the near future. “ **I think we are done here, unless you have any questions?** ”. Sana shook her head.

 

### It was fun chat: Sunday 16 October

Yousef: **Good morning! It was ok yesterday, right?**

Sana: **Yeah. It was fun.**

Yousef: **You are not too spooked about the coffee?**

Sana: **No, no. I am always in an ongoing or coming conflict with some chick. Really, that could be true about most anyone. And a change or new project.**

Yousef: **No babies!**

Sana: **Word! No babies!**


	7. Halloween

### Stuck in an elevator: Saturday 4 November

On the way to a Halloween party Sana and Yousef got stuck in the elevator. They started calling friends who were going to the same party but nobody picked up so they sent a dussin messages.

The elevator was small. The infosign said it allowed five persons or 400 kg, but Sana could not imagine how five people could even fit in there, it felt crowded with just the two of them. She started to get a bit claustrophobic and banged on the walls and called out “ **Does anyone hear me?** ”.

Yousef was calmer “ **There is nothing we can do but wait, so we might as well get comfortable** ” he said and sat down in his Dracula costume having to pull his knees up.

Sana was dressed like the Red Priestess Melisandre, she looked down on him and asked hesitant “ **Ok… so what did you have in mind?** ”. He looked up at her “ **To start with sit down, and chill** ” he suggested and smiled. She sat down on the small space left, so that she was facing him. “ **Are you cold?** ” he asked. She shook her head. “ **Hungry?** ” was his next question. “ **No. Why did you bring a thermos with soup this time?** ” she asked. He laughed “ **No, but let’s see, I have gum and some mango juice** ”. “ **No thank you** ” she added.

 

There was an awkward silence and they looked at each other. “ **I am pretty sure we are breaking your rules now, being alone in a closed room** ” Yousef started teasing her. “ **But hey, don’t blame me, you closed the door** ”. “ **An elevator is not a room** ” she answered like a true smartass. “ **Ok, good to know. what other small places are not considered to be rooms?** ” he wanted to know and played with his eyebrows. “ **Hey! you promised you wouldn't try to bend the rules again** ” she reminded him. “ **I know, I know, I won't** ” he said looking down at his shoes.

 

“ **Let’s play a game. You tell me three things that you have never done and I have to guess which one is fake, something you actually did** ” he explained. Sana thought “ **Ok, so it can be anything, but should be something unexpected?** ”. He nodded. She already had a truth but needed to make up two other credible statement to trick him. “ **Ok, I have it. One: I have never stolen money from Elias to buy something stupid. Two: I have never faceraped a friend to spread private messages online. Three: I have never been to Turkey.** ”

“ **Hmm, you could have been to Turkey, I know your parents have been there... but I think you would have mentioned it this summer** “ he was exploring her poker face. “ **I guess the first one is true. So why did you steal from Elias, what did you want to buy?** ”. Sana smiled and shook her head “ **No, no, no. Elias never have any money to steal anyway!** ” she said satisfied. “ **So, Turkey?** ” he asked. Again she shook her head. He looked surprised, “ **So faceraping?!** ”.

“ **I am not proud of it but… I have been responsible for not just one but two facerape scandals** ” she confessed. “ **And to make it even worse, the last one was during Ramadan** ”.

Yousef stared amused at her. “ **What? Ok, do you want to tell me why?** ” he asked.

“ **I got angry** ” she simply answered. He looked at her scared and joked “ **Oh, remind me to never make you angry then!** ”. She smiled a bit ashamed, “ **Don’t worry, I know that I have issues. I am trying to find better ways to handle my anger.** ” She tried to explain it without getting to serious or emotional about it “ **So, the first time, was in first year. I got angry because I was being called** **_sharmuta_ ** **on instagram and on my locker. I thought it was Jamilla because she had been criticising me and my friends for hanging out with with this third year russebuss the Penetrators. So me and Chris plotted the perfect revenge and leaked kinky messages between Jamilla and Simo. It turned out it wasn’t Jamilla at all behind it. I should have known, she would have said it to my face** ”. She tried to laugh at it. Yousef looked at her like he was trying to understand her, not judging but not approving either.

“ **The second time was last Ramadan. I took photos of Isak’s conversations with this nasty racist girl who was planning to through me of our russebuss… and I guess I just wanted people to see how fake and backstabbing she was, pretending to like everyone and then just writing shit about them behind their back. It all blow over surprisingly fast. People didn't care that much** ”. She looked at him, wondering if he remembered their conversation the night he left to Turkey, when she had told him that she had behaved badly during Ramadan. “ **Anyway I’ve learned my lesson and repented, I invited all of them to the Eid party** ”. “ **Even the Penetrators?** ” Yousef wanted to know. Sana laughed “ **So that’s the part that worried you the most! Actually yes, two of them came, William and Penetrator-Chris, you’ve met them. Your turn** ”.

 

Yousef changed position on the ground and started thinking “ **Ok, it will be hard to match that** ” he said and smiled. “ **One: I have never stalked a girl that I liked, like followed her around secretly, waiting outside her home, things like that. Two: I have never lied about my age to impress a girl. Three: I have never been in a fight ending up at the emergency** ”. Sana didn’t hesitate long. “ **I guess that you’ve been a stalker. Am I right?** ”. Yousef laughed out loud “ **Ha! I knew you would guess that! You still think of me as this creepy guy who sneak around and walk in on sleeping virgins!** ”

She responded “ **Oh, I know you do! By the way who told you I am a virgin? You never asked me about that?** ”. “ **Wait, what?** ” he said confused. She smiled at him “ **I’m just playing you!** ”. Yousef laughed nervously “ **Anyway, stalker is wrong, wrong, wrong!** ”.

“ **Ok. Hmm I don’t think you’re the aggressive type so did you lie about your age?** ” Sana asked. He shook his head. “ **And who said I was aggressive? There were these two guys who beat me up once for no reason when I was on my way home** ”.

“ **OK, being in a fight and being beaten up is not the same thing at all!** ” Sana pointed out. “ **Ok, so I exaggerated a bit. Two guys stopped me on the way home, asked what I had in my bag, if I had something to drink. When I didn’t one of them smashed his head in my face and kick me around, his friend stopped him after a while. When I came home my mum woke up and got scared by all the blood. So we went to the emergency but it really looked worse that it was, a vein by my eyebrow and my nose was bleeding alot and I had some bruises**.”

“ **What jerks!** ” Sana said.

“ **But after that I always walk around with a bottle of vodka in my bag** .” he joked. “ **You should have told my dad that story instead** ” Sana suggested.

 

Her phone ran, it was Isak. She explained that yes, they were still trapped in the elevator and no, they were not cold. Than Elias called Yousef who explained that they were ok and no they were not going to do anything stupid in the elevator. Elias sounded drunk and was laughing at the situation. Isak had informed them that they had called the weekend emergency number but that it could still take some time before they would be rescued.

 

Yousef tried to stretch his legs by putting them up the wall of the elevator and Sana tried to do the same. “ **This game was fun! Much more fun than the Hannibal Lector game** ” she admitted. Yousef thought about it “ **I guess it depends on the questions or statements. So you rather hear about me being beaten up than being with some other girl? You sadistic jealous woman** ” he joked. She shook her head “ **If I had a choice I wouldn’t have either of that. I would have you safe in my arms instead** ” she said and leaned over to kiss him. He got shy and looked at her lovingly. He wasn’t used to her being so sweet with him.

 

“ **My turn, I have one more round for you, if you are up for it?** ” Sana said. “ **Go for it!** ” Yousef answered **. “One: I have never met and talked to your mother. Two: I have never killed a mammal. and Three: I have never been in love with anyone of my brothers friends. Apart from you off course** ”. Yousef looked worried at her and asked “ **Do I want to know this?** ”. He scratched his head and continued “ **I mean you don’t need to say any name but I think you used to have a thing one of Simo’s friends** ”. She shook her head. “ **One of Elias friends then? Was it Even? I could live with that!** ” he asked. Sana laughed “ **No! It’s only been you** ”. Yousef lit up like a sun “ **For real? Wow** ”. His joy was contagious and Sana felt like she was smiling like a fool to.

 

“ **Ok, so what innocent animal did you kill and why?** ” he asked. She shook her head again. He hesitated “ **Did you meet my mom? When? Why?** ” he wanted to know. Sana explained casually “ **She came to my uncle's shop this summer, she needed a new changer** ”. Yousef was confused “ **But how did you know who she was? What did you talk about?** ” he wondered skeptically. Sana changed position on the floor, her legs were getting numb. “ **She told me. And that you and Leyla were still in Turkey and asked me to say hi to Elias and my parents. That was it** ”. Yousef still seemed doubtful or perhaps irritated “ **But why didn’t you mention it before** ” he asked her. “ **There was nothing to tell really** ” Sana answered defensively.

Yousef was still annoyed and mumbled “ **It is so typical her** ”. Sana didn’t understand why this was such a big deal and got a bit nervous and uncomfortable. She felt stupid for not having told him earlier. He noticed and caressed her knee and said “ **Hey, I am not angry with you. I just don’t get why you didn’t tell me this before**.” They heard voiced and within a few minutes they were rescued from the elevator and could join the party.

 

### The halloween party

Sana and Yousef soon found out that they had missed out on an interesting party. Elias, dressed like a teddy bear, was drunk but not wasted. He was in the living room trying to convince a vampire girl that he was a good guy even though he apparently had been in a heated argument with a werewolf guy who turned out to be a close friend of hers. Sana couldn’t catch what the argument had been about in the first place but Yousef tried to calm down Elias and assure the girl that he was an ok guy.

 

Chris, the monkey-girl, and Mutta aka Tarzan was behind the sofa playing some strange game under a blanket, and giggling like crazy. Sana suspected that Chris and maybe Mutta too was “cheating” with alcohol but was happy for them. Vilde was a slutty rabbit making out with catwoman, a girl Sana had never seen before. Magnus didn’t seem to mind in his Zombie-suite and when Vilde notice it she got into a fight with him about why he was not being jealous.

 

Noora, dressed like a suffragette woman, took Sana’s arm and dragged her to the bathroom to tell her that William had left after they had a fight. “ **I am going crazy at home, William has no clue what things cost! He fucking buys the fancy toilet paper! What student does that?! And now he brought three bottles of fancy french wine to this party! 1200 crowns! That is like food for weeks! Now we will have to live on noodlesoup until the end of the month** ”. Sana was overwhelmed “ **But do you have shared economy?** ” she asked. “ **No, but we normally eat together and I try to eat good and healthy but now it will be crap** ” Noora explained. “ **Don’t worry, I’ll invite you for dinner. And William could just sell some of his designer clothes, right?** ”. Noora stopped and thought. “ **That is actually not a bad idea** ” and then she remembered why she was angry. “ **But that is not the point, sure, we will survive but it just bugs me that he is so spoiled and clueless about what things cost in the world. I have to be the mother of everyone in Kollektivet, tell people to buy toilet paper, clean up and now about money. I am going crazy there** ”. Sana smiled. This was not the first time Noora had been frustrated about this.

 

Sana changed the subject and asked Noora “ **Do you remember when I met Yousef’s mom this summer?** ” Noora nodded. “ **Well, I just told Yousef about it, when we were stuck in the elevator and he got all strange about it** ”. Noora frown at her “ **Strange how? Mommy-issues?** ”. Sana “ **I don’t know. You’re the shrink! What exactly are mommy-issues?** ” she wanted to know. “ **I am not a shrink!** ” Noora answered offended. They got interrupted by someone baning on the door but managed to find a calm enough place in the apartment's kitchen window to continue their conversation.

 

Noora started to explain “ **Ok, so mommy-issues can, like daddy-issues, be the traces from anything from a neglecting, absent or abusive parent to an overprotective and controlling parent. In Yousef’s case I would guess it is rather the later. A typical good son. We think that she came to your work to check you out, right? And now he got irritated because he didn’t know about it? And he has been a bit hesitant about you meeting her right?** ”. Sana nodded, that was all true. And now that she was thinking about it, Yousef received sms from his mother all the time, asking about what he was doing and when he would be home. “ **So what are the risks? When a guy has mommy-issue?** ” Sana wanted to know. “ **It can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. He can be intimidated by strong women, or the opposite, wanting a strong woman to take care of him, being incapable of making decisions on his own. Or it can just be an unhealthy relationship were the mom is too influential and no woman ever lives up to her standards** ”. Sana looked at her amazed, some pieces of the puzzle were falling into place.

“ **So, what should I do then? Just meet her and get it over with? Ask him about it?** ” Sana asked. Noora shrugged ” **I don’t know. I know more about the problem than about any solution. I still haven't met William's mom and we live together. But I guess it is just a matter of time now** ”.

Yousef had found them and offering to get them something before he joined them by the window. “ **Well, at least she raised him well** ”, Noora commented when he went to get them drinks. They laughed and raised their glasses for Dracula when he was back and Yousef looked at them confused but raised his glass as well.

 

### Parenting: Sunday 5 November

Next morning Sana and Elias were alone home just being lazy watching a nature program about different animals parenting skills. The female Sumatran orangutans had a baby only once every nine years, due to all the work with feeding and caring for their kid. Sana found it funny, since the program stated that even three year olds were competent enough to build their own nest, still they shared nest with their mother until they were seven.

They did however have very low mortality rate among the babies, unlike the lions, where only one in eight cubs would survive to adulthood. The cubs were at the bottom of the feeding hierarchy, could get killed by a new male taking over a pride or the mother could forget to care about them.

 

Still the king penguins impressed Sana the most. They had to plan in ahead and cooperate to make sure their offsprings would survive the harsh environment. The males began storing fat to sustain them through courtship, egg-laying and the first part of incubation. Basically the females got to go on an eating exhibition to get fat right after the eggs were laid and the male carried the eggs on the feet between the warm feathers between their legs throughout the coldest part of the winter, standing close and moving in a circle shapes choreography that allowed every member of the group to get warmed up in the middle when it is their turn. The father kept a first meal in his mouth all winter to give to the chick as soon as the egg hatched. After that they were depending on the mother to return, find them and bring more food.

 

Sana commented “ **Penguins for sure makes the best fathers** ”. Elias looked at her “ **Hmm. Is that something you girls actually think about? If someone would make a good father?** ”. Sana thought about it, “ **I don’t think we all think alike, but guess it is much an age thing. Maybe until around 25 all that matters is how cool the guy is, and after that how rich he is** ”. Elias mumbled some answer while nodding. “ **And if he is neither cool nor rich? Then there is no mercy?** ” he asked pessimistic. Sana answered “ **Some are lucky anyway, but don’t ask me why** ”. “ **Yousef is neither cool nor rich** ” he said to provoked her. “ **Well, he can dance and cook** ” she answered lazy, raising an eyebrow at her brother. “ **I got some good moves…** ” Elias added. “ **Well, then you just need to learn to cook** ” she answered and they laughed at it. “ **It’s that easy, huh** ” he added.

 

Sana looked at her brother and felt like something was off. “ **Is everything ok with you?** ”. He shrugged “ **Yeah, sure. I am just restless, need a change maybe** ”. “ **Who was the vampire girl last night?** ” she asked. Elias seemed uninterested “ **She was no one important, there is no one special. I am just so bored with it all. The game** ”.

 

Sana thought about it. Elias had always had it so easy, making friends, getting girls interested. She used to envy him, everybody liked him, even the teachers and people's parents. But she couldn’t think of any one girls in particular that had been special to him. “ **Can I ask you something?** ” she wondered. He looked at her waiting for the question. “ **What would it take for you to take a girl home, you know to met our parents?** ” she asked. He looked at her confused. “ **Are you actually thinking about Yousef? He is serious about you. I think he is just not always sure you are** ”. Sana got uncomfortable, why did they suddenly start to talk about her now? “ **No. I was not talking about him. I wondered more about our family. If Yousef didn’t already almost live here, when would I have thought it was time for him to meet my family? It was the same with Jamilla, she knew mum better than Simo when they got together** ”.

Elias didn’t have to think long “ **Honestly, I wouldn’t involve them until it was absolutely necessary. Until I was sure, why make them worry if it wouldn’t last anyway** ”. Sana nodded “ **Me too probably, if I would have had the choice** ”. Elias looked a bit worried, but then laughed at a memory “ **Yousef once brought Isabelle with us home to him. She got crossexamed by his mum, it was hilarious. Yousef was so embarrassed** ”. Sana didn’t find it very funny, she felt sorry for Isabelle and Yousef. Elias saw her look and added “ **I guess you had to be there. Anyway mum would probably had done the same. Maybe less straightforward, but still** ”. They continued watching TV. “ **Anyway, I don’t have a special girl to bring with me home** ” he added.

 

Sana pulled herself up to sit better in the sofa. **“Elias, you know you should not try to get a girl’s attention when you are with your guys in a group. It might seem like a good idea and feel safe having your boys around you but it just… it doesn't seem sincere, like a game. It doesn’t make a girl feel special”**.

“ **Wow. When did you become such an expert on flirting?** ” Elias answered offended and started to defend himself “ **Besides, you have never seen me alone with the ladies. I am super smooth!** ”.

“ **Oh, I have seen you. And I know some of the ladies to. You are not smooth, you are funny. It might work for some girls though** ”, she continued. He had a blank stare, like he was thinking or maybe he just stopped listening to her. “ **I might not be an expert on flirting, but I am damn good at observing** ” she added.

“ **Hmm, you could be on our next video…** ” Elias thought “ **Women's perspective on guys flirting…** ”.

“ **Oh, no, no, no. I will never be on your stupid videos!** ”

“ **You don’t have to be on the screen, you and your lovely friends can write down some recommendations, put them in a jar and we can read and react to them** ” Elias tried.

Sana was doubtful “ **Ehh, I’ll think about it** ”.

 

### I am moving chat: Thursday 9 November

Yousef: **Hi there! I can’t see you tomorrow, I’ll be busy packing and moving.**

Sana: **What? Where are you moving?**

Yousef: **Just to my sister, until I find an apartment.**

Sana: **Did something happen?**

Yousef: **No, just same old. And I want to live in the city**

**Leyla asked me again, Arash is still away a lot**

Sana: **Ok, now I am worried. the baby could come early**

Yousef: **Yeah, D-day 8 dec**

**She is really pissed at him. He had promised to not travel in november, but then there was something important...**

Sana: **Ok, see you this weekend maybe?**

Yousef: **Ok. Good night**

Sana: **Good night, sweet dreams**

Yousef: **You to**


	8. Love Inshallah

### All atheist are muslim: Friday 1 December

“ **What is this?** ” Yousef asked Sana. He was borrowing her laptop to check a date on his school’s platform. “ **Love Inshallah... All atheist are muslim?** ” he read out loud. Sana got embarrassed and walked over and closed the laptop. “ **It’s nothing, you were done right?** ” she said. He looked at her baffled, expecting some more explanation. “ **It’s muslim feminist comedian I found. I don’t think it’s your type of humor** ”. (Zahra Noorbakhsh does a comedy show about how the only way her father could accept her atheist boyfriend was by reasoning that the word muslim means one who surrenders to a force greater than himself and since he believes in gravity and surrender to gravity he is a muslim.)

 

“ **Ok but... just so you know, I wouldn’t call myself an atheist. More an agnostic maybe** ” he explained. “ **If I have to have a label. I mean, I have not excluded that there is some kind of divine power.** ” He was trying to find the right words for it. “ ** **I** just don’t think it is personal, someone who would care about us, if you pray or not, if fast or not**”.

“ **Ok, so you are saying that praying and fasting is practically pointless?** ” she asked. “ **Not for you, maybe.** ” he answered. “ **But for me, it would be pretending. I don’t feel it... I don't believe**  ” he said with a smile, but it was not his usual smile. He was reaching out to her, wanting her approval or confirmation that everything was ok. She took his hand and said “ **Ok** ”. He was thinking about something and hesitated before he asked her “ **Is this something you think about a lot? Me, not being muslim?** ” he asked. She didn’t know what to answer and said “ **Sometimes** ”.

 

“ **For me... you are it. I know you think it is too soon to know but, it doesn’t feel soon for me".** She embraced him and they stood there in the kitchen in silence. She could feel his heartbeat through her whole body. She knew that he had been in love with her for at least three years, maybe more. She didn't know what more to say, so they just stod there. They didn’t even notice first when her mother entered the kitchen.

 

### My girl is all grown up: Saturday 9 December

It had been a long time since Sana and her mother had done something alone, just the two of them, and therefore her mother had suggested lunch out. So here they were, sitting across each other at a small table by the window at a cosy indian restaurant down town. It was nice and  warm and the starters were delicious. “ **I cannot believe my little girl is all grown up now. You will be eighteen soon** ” her mother said and beamed at her proudly. Sana returned her smile .

“ **Time passes quickly** . **And the world in changing and I can no longer teach you and your brothers everything** ”. Sana laughed, earlier this morning Elias was trying to explain how the algorithms on Facebook made it so that he would get other posts and ads than Sana or their mother.

“ **And next year you will start university. Did you know that Karim is going to Paris for the spring semester? He got an Erasmus scholarship** ” her mother informed her. Karim was the son of family friends. He was smart, always polite and charming but Sana thought he seemed like a player. She had heard that he had slept with one of Jamilla’s friends and that he afterwards treated her like crap. “ **Good for him** ” Sana commented.

“ **You were thinking about it a bit too, right. To take a semester abroad?** ” her mother asked. Sana nodded “ **Yes, but first I have to get into a program. I don’t even know if I will accepted in Oslo yet** ”. Her mom smiled at her “ **Off course you will, you have much better grades than Simo and you are studying so hard. You’ll be fine if you just don’t loose focus** ”.

“ **Yousef has also talked about it. He can go abroad in his 5th semester or to spend three months at an African kindergarten his last semester while writing his thesis** ” Sana told her. Three months was a long time, Sana thought, but maybe she could visit him. Anyway they had already tried the whole distance relationship thing this summer so they would be fine. If they would still be together. Either way, she still didn’t know for sure if she would study in Oslo or abroad.

 

“ **Tell me, how are things with Yousef?** ” her mother asked. Sana was happy to be able to give a positive answer “ **Good, it is very good now** ”. “ **You are starting to spend more time with his family as well now** ” her mother said and the statement sounded like a question. “ **Yes, I met his brother Kasim and Emelie and their kids and also his sister Leyla. It is so sweet to see him together with the kids, they just adore him** ” she said with much tenderness in her voice. “ **Well, he is a professional I suppose** ” her mother commented.

 

The main course arrived and smelled amazing. Sana felt grateful for being alone with her mother and the special treatment, it felt like a celebration of some kind. “ **This is nice. You were right, it has been much too long** ” she said to her mother and smiled. Her mum smiled back at her. “ **But you have not met Yousef's parents yet? Does it feel like it is too soon?** ” she wondered, like she was trying to figure out how serious Sana was about Yousef. Sana had not expected such a direct question. She understood that it must seem odd to her mother, that she still had not visited his parents.

Sana stuttered a little “ **No, b-but, I don’t know exactly why. I am in no rush really, we have not been together that long really** ”. She took a breath and continued “ **Many people are together much longer before they meet or involve each other's families. With you and dad it was different, Yousef was already always in our house** ”. Her mother nodded and continued “ **Off course there is no hurry. You are very young and there is no need to rush things** ”. Sana felt a little diminished by that comment, like what they had was not for real or to be taken serious. She knew Yousef was serious about her. Her own feeling were just increasing and the more she got to know him the better she felt about being with him. “ **I know that family is important. That to really know somebody you should also see them with their family. It just felt like, that for me, it's a good idea to meet them a few at a time. Instead of meeting fifty of them at his party** ” Sana explained.

 

“ **Yes, family is important. You are getting to know each other now and figuring out what you want. If you do choice to stay together it is important to know that you have a solid base to stand on and that you share the same values** ”. Sana listened. She had always liked to listened to her mother, as a source of wisdom and guidance. But now, in this restaurant, she felt like her mother was rather giving her a warning than advice. Sana felt conflicted, on one side she wanted her mother's opinions and advice, but on the other side she was afraid that her mother would not say what she wanted to hear. They ate some more and commented on their food.

 

Her mother seemed nostalgic and continued “ **It is so interesting for me, as a mother to see all of you, my children, grow up and become your own individuals with your own thoughts and experiences. It is never static you know, a relationship. I am not the same person as I was when you were born, and obviously neither are you.** ” Sana nodded and thought about it. How different things were now with her friends compared to when they first met, Chris, Vilde, Noora and Eva. And how much had changed with Yousef in less than six months, how much she had changed. “ **It is the same in a marriage. You change over the years. With your dad, it was first when he had become a father that he started to get more deeply interested in Islam. It is very common for young men, you know. Before that he was more of a dreamer** ”. Sana wondered where this was going and she did not want to talk about Yousef or what he did or did not believe, it was none of her mother’s business. She nodded and tried to find a way express that this was not in her hands, not up to her. “ **I have decided that for me, the important thing is that I focus on my own faith, to grow as muslim and to be a good person. What Yousef believes, or not, is his own journey** ” she said firmly but not unkind.

“ **Still, it must be important for you to be able to talk about your faith. Is it not?** ”. her mother continued. “ **Yes, and I think we talk much more about it than most couples in our age. We talked about it before we even got together** ” Sana said defensively. “ **And people do not automatically agree on everything just because they confess to the same religion. There are many different views on Islam** “. “ **That is also true** ” her mother agreed. Sana was a bit worked up now, she was thinking about Karim that her mother had mentioned before, he seemed like a good muslim guy and then treated girls like crap. She thought about the double standard there, how girls were expected to stay focused and not make any big mistakes but guys could get second chances and didn’t have to start taking Islam seriously until perhaps when they got married and had kids. She continued “ **We talk about many other important things too like equality, discrimination, future plans…** ”. Sana added. Her mother nodded interested and said “ **That is also good** ”.

They left the subject there and talked more about school and her mother's latest working assignment, to translate a new norwegian popular novel into arabic.also 

 

On the way home Sana was thinking about their conversation. She had gotten provoked. First her mother had started talking about Karim and then questioned her relationship with Yousef. Her mother had a way of always leading things back to Islam, being the guide and most important thing in life. She loved her mother interpretation of Islam, never judging and always loving. It inspired her to do better, to be better. Sana did not disagree with her mother, about the importance of sharing values and faith, but it was not that easy. Every muslim was not automatically a good person and every non-muslim was not automatically a bad person. She knew that it was important to surround yourself with good people in life, especially when selecting the people you keep closest, close friend or a potential future husband. But Sana thought that she did, that her friends and especially Yousef were essentially good people. But none of them were muslim.

Still she wondered if she had been perfectly honest? Did she really feel free to talk to Yousef about everything, about religion, like she had led on to her mother? She remembered the feeling when Yousef had criticised Ibrahim’s willingness to sacrifice his own son and how hurt it had made her feel. She felt a growing irritation inside her, against her mother and against Yousef too, so she was happy to see a message from Chris on her phone.

 

### Bad muslim chat: Saturday 9 December

Chris: **I so hope Mutta is a bad muslim. He has such a great body!**

Sana: **Wanna meet now and ventilate?**

Chris: **Sure! Meeting Mutta after soccer practice. Wanna meet there and watch them? and talk!**

Sana: **Eh, ok. I can bring coffee**

 

### Soccer practice with Chris

Sana normally hated sitting on a bench watching guys play any sport. It just felt so stereotypical, the guys being active and the girls passively watching them. Yousef was surprised to see her there and waved at her from the field. Elias seemed even more surprised. “ **Do you come here often?** ” Sana asked Chris critically. “ **God no! But maybe I should** ” Chris said with a smug smile. “ **Guys in sweatpants, running after a ball and getting all worked up for nothing** ”. Sana laughed, she was already in a better mood. “ **Yes, I can’t believe we never thought about this before! What have we been spending our free time on lately** ” she said with exaggerated surprise. “ **No, I mostly came here for you… and the coffee… and to ventilate!** ” Chris said eagerly.

 

“ **So… ventilating…** ” Sana started. “ **Have you talked about it? You know sex, Islam, all of that?** ” she asked Chris. “ **No, not yet. We haven't gotten that far yet if you know what I mean** ” Chris answered. They took a sip from their coffees simultaneously. Sana was wondering if other people ever actually did talk about sex first or just ended up in bed together and just maybe talked about it a little afterwards instead. “ **But, do you know anything? Or can you give me any advice here?** ” Chris asked. “ **I mean he fasts on Ramadan and he doesn’t drink, so he seems to take those things serious, right? So he is a good muslim?** ”. Sana shook her head “ **You cannot ask me what is important to him. That is between you and him and him and Allah. It is not my place to judge or give advice here** ”. Chris looked so disappointed at her that she felt like she had to continue.

“ **Ok, everyone knows what the Quran says about sex before marriage, right? But still people make their choices and interpretations. There are some weird things in Quran as well, old traditions. So some muslims drink and some are maybe less strict about sex. There are a lot of double standards too, guys get away with much more. So I really cannot talk for Mutta on this** ”.

 

“ **But… do you think it is a risk that he will think I am slutty and take me less serious if I am too easy?** ” Chris asked. “ **Isn’t that always a risk?** ” Sana counter-asked. “ **Anyway, that is totally between you two** ”.

Chris drank some more coffee and seemed to be in deep thought. “ **But can’t he just do it and then, go and confess it to a priest or Imam and just get forgiveness or something** ”. “ **Sure, but you need to see it as a mistake, regret it and try to change and do better. So it would work for a one time thing but it doesn’t really work in a relationship. It wouldn’t be very sincere if you planned to keep on doing it** .” Sana explained. “ **Believe me, I have already thought about it.** ” she added and laughed at herself.

 

Chris shrugged “ **Ok. It is not really a big problem. Not now at least. I just get so insecure about stuff. And it is not like me. I like to joke with him about it, to tease him. He seems to like it. And now I don’t want to get all serious and kill the vibe and talk about sex and religion. And make it a problem. Do you know what I mean?** ”.

Sana nodded, she felt like she knew exactly what she meant. She sometimes wished she could be more bold with Yousef, free to be flirty and just say whatever she felt like to provoke and see his reaction. Instead she often felt this huge responsibility to not lead him on too much and to behave, to be respectful and sensitive. She knew he like her cocky side but it was a minefield sometimes, it could so easily get misunderstood or just send mixed signals.

Chris went on “ **But I don’t want to blow it either. Just being the one he sleeps with once and then repent it and it is all over. I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid** ”. Sana thought out loud “ **Maybe it is a no-issue for him? I don’t know. Anyway, you have not been together that long. How long is it, a month? Since Halloween**.”

 

Yousef made a goal and he looked up to see if Sana had been watching. “ **How are you two holding up?** ” Chris asked. “ **Better than ever** ” Sana answered and it felt really good to be able to say it. “ **That good, and without sex?** ” Chris commented doubtfully. “ **I chose to think of it as very long foreplay** ” Sana answered and they laughed.

 

“ **It’s just some stuff… with my mom... and his mom, that is bothering me now** ” she started. “ **Oh, that sounds heavy** ” Chris said with a terrified expression on her face.

“ **Yeah! I know that it is none of their business, still it just sucks** ” Sana started and went on by listing everything that bugged her.

“ **It sucks that my mom thinks that the most important thing is that a guy is muslim. She can’t see that Yousef just happens to be perfect for me. It is not like every muslim guy automatically is some kind of saint!** ”. “ **I really hope not!** ” Chris added. Sana ignored her comment and continued “ **And it sucks that Yousef seems all scared of introducing me to his mother. I don’t care so much about meeting her, not really. But I feel like I should and now it just seems like such a big deal for him so that makes me worried!** ” Sana took a deep breath

“ **And it sucks that my mom apparently also thinks that it is a big deal that I haven't met his parents yet and she takes it as a sign that we are not that serious about each other. Who cares! A lot of people are serious but don’t involve their parents until they absolutely have to** ”. Chris nodded encouraging at every point she made.

“ **And finally, it sucks that I care about all this bullshit. My brain says that this is just between me and Yousef, and Allah, and it is not anybody else's business. But I still let it get to me!** ” Sana felt like she had worked up some steam now and it felt so good to just say it all out load.

 

“ **Shit! That does suck!** ” Chris agreed. Sana exhaled and they started to laugh. “ **But it feels good to ventilate!** ” she said. “ **You g** **o girl, give me all you’ve got. Does anything else suck right now?** ” Chris added. “ **No, I think that covered it for now. But we should do this every week! Like therapy, watch guys in sweatpants and ventilate!** ”.

 

Chris just remembered something “ **Oh, did you hear that Vilde and Magnus finally decided to take a break? So that Vilde can explore her lesbian side** ”. Sana had missed that and said “ **No. I knew they were arguing about Magnus not being jealous of her kissing a girl, but when did this happen?** ” she asked. “ **Well, they have been talking about it since Halloween. First Vilde was afraid to lose Magnus, as a friend if they broke up or took a break. But then Magnus assured her that they would still be friends and that she needed to do this and be true to herself** ” Chris filled her in. Sana thought about it. “ **You know that it makes perfect sense. I always thought that Vilde, just like Eva, just liked kissing girls when she was drunk. Vilde even kissed me once. But now when I think about it, it would make sense her being lesbian**.”

 

“ **When did you two kiss?** ” Chris wanted to know. “ **Oh, it was on Williams party, you know when you got together with Kasper** ” she explained and continued. “ **We kind of finally connected that night. She was just a little drunk, complementing my yellow hijab and being really sweet. She even asked me politely if she could kiss me. So I thought why not, just for fun** ”. “ **Holy shit Sana! How come I never heard about this** ” Chris asked. “ **Well** **I said that she could only kiss me if she swore not to tell anyone. And apparently she kept that promise** ” Sana laughed. “ **But then it is almost like we have kissed too! I can’t believe that we have kissed the same person** ” Chris said a little bit too loud and then noticed that Mutta and Yousef was walking up to them. A new group of soccer players were entering the field and they just wanted to say hi before they hit the showers.

“ **What are you doing here?** ” Yousef asked Sana. “ **Oh, I am not here for you guys. I came to meet Chris!** ” Sana answered a little embarrassed, feeling the need to explain.

“ **But are you joining us for a kebab after?** ” he asked. “ **Sure, why not?** ” she answered.

 

### Kebab discussions

 

At the kebab place Chris was loving it, being at the center of everyone's attention, joking and telling crazy stories. “ **Yousef, you have the coolest girlfriend. Sana is just always so sassy** ”. Yousef raised an eyebrow “ **Oh yeah, so what did she do?** ” he asked interested. Sana was wondering where this was going. Even if she started to mix her two lives more now, she still felt like she often was one person with her friends and another with her family and a third person with Yousef. “ **She is just so cool, she always knows what to answer idiots. Like the other week at this pre-party a guy comes up to her and is all** **_Oh, you are so mysterious, I’ve never been with a muslim girl, do you suck dick_ ** **. And then Sana just stared at him and answered** **_I suck the soul out of weak men_ ** .” Christ thought it was hilarious and there were some awkward laughing from some of the guys to but Yousef mostly looked worried and asked “ **Does this happen often? That guys are like that** ”. Adam interrupted him “ **Guys are idiots, by definition! And on behalf of all idiotic men I am deeply sorry and apologize for this behaviour and all the shit you girls have to take** ”. Sana shrugged like she didn’t care “ **Well it is not your fault, you didn’t say it** ”. Adam continued “ **No, not this time. But I have probably… most definitely done and said some stupid things to. Ok, I would never say that, I am not a complete moron** ”.

 

Elias joined in “ **Come on Adam, we have much more game than that. We are not even in the same division! But sure, it is different when you think about things being said to your sister.** " Then he got an idea " **This should be our next _Hei Briskeby_ video theme, us reading up the worse, most brutal pick up lines, commenting them and then apologizing to all womankind on behalf of all stupid guys who don't even have the sense to apologize themselves** ”. Sana rolled her eyes “ **Why don’t you just man up and apologize for all the sexist bullshit you actually did say yourself instead?** ” she challenged him. “ **That would be too lame! Boring. We are not offensive enough.** ” he answered.

 

“ **But does it happen often?** ” Yousef still wanted to know.  Sana tried to explain “ **That they think I am just trying to be mysterious, yes. But most of the time guys are to scared to bother me about it, and asks my friends things instead. This type of comments happens, but not happen so often. Anyway I can handle it. Sometimes it just becomes another funny story to laugh about afterwards** ”. “ **Don’t worry, most guys at Nissen are scared of her by now.** **Sana is the queen of sassy replies** ”, Chris reassured him. “ **And then what? they just leaves you alone?** ” Yousef wondered. Sana nodded but Chris reminded her “ **Well there was the Sharmuta-penetrator-guy in first year, he was a real as. Couldn’t take a no** ”. Sana protested “ **Social media is another story altogether. It’s more creepy and you can’t really respond to that, just ignore it and wait it out.** ” She was really surprised that the guys seemed so ignorant. Or were they in denial or naive enough to think that it was only _bad girls_ who got harassed on parties and online? She felt like also Elias started to get overprotective on her now. “ **But you should tell me when these things happen** ” he said to her and it made Sana lose her temper and snap at him “ **Just drop it. Chill! This is why I don’t tell you. And what could you do about it anyway?** ”.

 

Chris looked guilty for having started the conversation. What was meant as a funny story got a totally different turn and became a much more serious discussion than she had intended. She tried to change the topic and asked what people were planning to do over the holidays. Mikael had plans to go to Egypt to visit his father but the rest would mostly be in Oslo.

 

Yousef walked with Sana and Elias on their way home, it was more or less on his way anyway. Sana was still irritated at them. They talked about going snowboarding when Simo and Jamilla would come, if only the snow would arrive. When they had reached the entrance Elias said bye to Yousef and went inside. Sana lingered a bit. “ **Hey, I didn’t mean to make a big thing about it. I just got worried** ” Yousef explained. Sana nodded “ **I know. it’s ok** ”. Yousef wanted to know something more and asked “ **But... who is the guy that both you and Chris have kissed?** ”. Sana shook her head “ **Ah, you heard that. Just drop it. It was nothing. It’s not important** ” she answered and gave him a quick kiss and went inside. She knew that he would probably ask again but thought that considering his past it was really silly of him to be jealous of her stupid experimental kiss.

 

### Who did you kiss chat: Sunday 10 December

 

Yousef:  **I can’t just drop it**

Sana:  **Why do you need to know? if I say it’s nothing, it’s nothing**

Yousef:  **if it’s nothing, why can’t you just tell me?**

Sana:  **You haven't told me about everybody you kissed**

Yousef:  **I would if you asked me**

Sana: **I really don’t care. I think I know enough**

Yousef:  **this is only becoming a thing because you don’t want to tell me**

Sana: **it’s becoming a thing because you are being jealous and controlling!**

Yousef:  **What?! I am offended now**

**A little jealousy is just healthy, it shows you yjay I care**

**And I couldn’t control you even if I tried**

Sana:  **good to hear that you know that**

Yousef:  **But I am not sure I want you going to all these russ-pre-parties anymore**

Sana:  **What?! Controlling!!!!**

Yousef:  **haha, Just kidding ;)**

**or maybe not… but it’s none of my business… I hope you are having a good time at least**

Sana:  **smh**

**you had your russ-period, I am having mine now**

**btw how many russe-girls did you hook up with?**

Yousef:  **I was single back then**

**and russe-girls doesn’t count!**

**and they have no names ;P**

Sana:  **pig!**

Yousef:  **it wasn’t all that great or exciting. It was right after Even had left us**

Sana:  **Oh. I forgot about that.**

**Even will probably roll with Isaks van, if Jonas ever comes around and agrees on them getting a van**

Yousef:  **Do you need a driver?**

Sana:  **No!**

**we talked about it. We want a professional neutral driver. No boyfriends or brothers**

Yousef:  **I wouldn’t have the time to drive you anyway :P**


	9. December child

### Baby chat: Monday 11 December

 

Yousef: **Leyla just got a baby boy!**

**I am an uncle! :D again**

Sana: **wow! Congratulation uncle Yousef!**

**and tell Leyla and Arash as well, from me**

Yousef: **Sure, will do! Look [photo of baby]**

Sana: **Awwww**

Yousef: **:D**

 

### Meeting the baby: Saturday 16 December

Sana was going to visit Yousef and see the 5 days old baby for the first time. On her way there Yousef sent her a message informing her that his parents were also coming over. Perfect, now she would get it over with. Officially meeting his parents. Good timing and location to, the new baby would be a perfect distraction and topic to talk about.

 

Sana arrived about half an hour before Yousef’s parents and had brought a rice pudding dessert that her mother had made. The baby was awake and Leyla and Arash were both happy and tired, trying to get used to their new life as parents. They woke up several times every night, Leyla as soon as the baby made a noise and Arash, who had read about sudden infant death syndrome, instead went up to check on the baby when he was being too quiet. Leyla even asked if Sana wanted to hold him, but she reclined explaining that she had a cough so she didn’t want to risk passing on to the baby.

 

When the lucky grandparents arrived the baby had fallen asleep again and that gave them time to get to know Sana a little. Yousef’s mother asked about her parents, Elias and Simo. “ **Yes, Simo is married, he and Jamilla live in Copenhagen and no, they have no plans on babies yet, they want to finish their studies first** ”, Sana explained. “ **Well they should not wait too long. You know what they say, children are the buttonholes that holds their parents together** ” Yousef’s mother commented and went on asking about Sana’s plans after finishing school and seemed impressed by her ambition. “ **So you want to follow in your father's footsteps. That is nice** ” she said and continued to ask about Sana’s uncle and his shop. Sana explained that he had an accident this autumn and that they were all trying to help him out in the shop now whenever they could. Elias was there almost everyday unless he had a lecture or something at school. Her own mother had been there a lot with their aunt. Yousef’s father didn’t get a chance to say much.

 

As soon as the baby woke up all focus was on the little prince. Yousef’s mother had also brought homemade food and filled the freezer with enough food to last a month. Leyla protested “ **Mama, you didn’t have to do all that. We have plenty of great take away places just down the street. That’s the whole point with living in the city**.”

 

When Sana was about to go home and Yousef planned to walk her to the bus stop his mother asked him if he had any laundry for her. He explained that it was in the green bag in his room. “ **So you still give your dirty laundry to your mother?** ” Sana teased him. “ **What can I say, she likes to feel useful** ” he answered embarrassed. “ **Anyway, do you always do your own laundry?** ” he asked doubtfully. He had a point, her mother often both washed and ironed her clothes. “ **It’s not the same. I still live at home. If I moved away I wouldn’t send the dirty laundry back home to my mom** ” she explained. Yousef started defending himself “ **It is easier, they have a washing machine and at Leyla’s you need to book the laundry room and I always forget when it is our turn.** ” Then he remembered “ **But last week I helped Leyla and did most of their laundry as well** ”. Sana laughed “ **Well she was nine months pregnant last week! To help her out was the only decent brotherly thing to do, especially considering that you live there now. It doesn’t make you a hero!** ” she continued teasing him. He shrugged “ **Well I can’t be perfect. I need to have at least one flaw, right?** ”.

 

They had reached the bus stop. “ **Are you cold?** ” he asked and started rubbing her arms before she even had time to answer. “ **It went well I think. Meeting your parents. They were nice** ” she stated. “ **Yes, why wouldn't they be?** ” Yousef asked. “ **I don’t know. You just seemed so nervous about me meeting them** ” she said. “ **You thought that I was nervous? You were the one nervous about meeting them** ” he responded. She was ready to debate that but then the bus arrived so they had to say good bye instead.

 

### Facebook friend chat: Tuesday 19 December

Sana: **I just got a FB-friend request from Yousef’s mom!**

Noora: **wtf!**

Sana: **she is friend with him on FB! She likes all his photos!**

Noora: **ok. calm down. you don’t use FB much anyway**

**Is she on insta to?**

Sana: **idk, doesn’t seem like it**

**omg, Leyla has started posting pictures of the baby… so it’s probably just a matter of time**

Noora: **change name! Go private!**

Sana: **ok! help, give a name fast!**

Noora: **Sanabanana**

Sana: **ok! done**

**are you with Eskild now?**

Noora: **yeah, he is laughing his as off, say good luck with cute non-muslim boy’s mom**

**Did you accept her FB-friend request**

Sana: **not yet. I’ll pretend I haven't seen it for a while**

 

**…**

 

Sana: **Hi Emelie, here is the article about the science behind parental love that I told you about**

Emelie: **Thank you! How are things? Heard you met the parents and little Alexander**

Sana: **yes. it went well I think. Can I ask you something?**

Emelie: **Sure, what?**

Sana: **What is the deal with their mother? No criticism but she sent me a FB friend request and I am not even friend with my own mother on FB...**

Emelie: **That was soon! She likes to know things**

**See the photos, feel like she is involved**

**Don’t worry about it, I think you can handle her**

Sana: **she needs to be “handled”?**

Emelie: **look, we will probably never be good enough for her precious sons, but just try to ignore it. It changed a bit, got better when I give her grandchildren**

Sana: **eh, ok**

 

### Snowboarding: Saturday 23 December

Simo and Jamilla were home from Copenhagen over the holidays. Sana had been looking forward to spending time with both of them. On Saturday she went with her brothers snowboarding. Jamilla wasn’t up for it and rather spent the day with her own family and Yousef had other plans as well. Sana couldn’t remember the last time they had done something together just her brothers. She realized how much she had missed Simo and that she often took Elias for granted. Sana and Elias grilled Simo about married student life in Copenhagen and teased him for his sloppiness. Jamilla always seemed to complain about him, but they never really heard his side of the story. “ **It’s ups and downs. Jamilla has friends in school but not the type of friends that she hangs with on her free time so sometimes it feels like I have to be everything, her husband and her best friend. And she just continues nagging on me, about spending money and being messy. i don’t know, I study all the time so when I am home I just want to relax. And sometimes I just want to hang with my friends** ”. He tried to be objective about it and not expose Jamilla in a wrongful way. “ **She has a point though, I could do a lot more at home. But I am not sure it really would make her so much happier. And I want her to be happy. It sucks that she moved there for me and now she is unhappy. But it cannot be only me and her all the time, doing everything together** ”.

 

Simo wanted to hear more about Elias projects, he even had a few ideas for _Hei Briskeby_ that Elias promised to think about. And he offered Elias to introduce him to one of Jamilla's friends but it was met with scepticism. “ **But you will never meet a nice girl at a party. Or at some club!** ” Simo protested. “ **Chill bro, after hearing about your life I am in no hurry to meet a nice girl** ” he explained. “ **Besides, we already have a good Bakkoush-system, when the time is right Sana will bring home a nice girl and everything will work out by it self** ”.  Simo turned to his sister “ **Ok, so we put our hopes on you, Sana** ”. Sana laughed “ **Well my friends you already meet at parties, so I think I’ve done my part** ”. “ **What? They are all either lesbian or have boyfriends. You need new friends. You owe me.** ” Elias protested. “ **Where is Yousef anyway? I thought he wanted to join us** ” Simo asked. “ **Don’t ask me, he needed to help his mother with something** ” Sana answered. Elias shook his head “ **It is impossible to say no to that woman** ”.

 

### Feminine characteristics

It was already dark when they came home. Jamilla was in the kitchen helping their mother with dinner. “ **It is so nice to have somebody in the house who shows an interest in cooking** ” her mother remarked loud enough for her children to hear. Sana stayed a bit in the kitchen, but she didn’t feel very useful in the kitchen and went to join her brothers in the living room instead.

 

They were in the middle of a Star Wars discussion about the force, how much is actual training and how much is an ability you are born with. Luke Skywalker needed much training with Yoda while Rey seemed to be a natural talent. “ **It’s a bit too much, Rey is like Luke, Han Solo and Leia in one person** ” Elias argued. Sana looked at him skeptical “ **In what way is she anything like Leia?** ” she wanted to know. Her brothers looked at her incomprehensibly. “ **Well she is a girl** .” Elias said. “ **Being a girl is not a characteristics** .” Sana protested. “ **Ok, so they both have feminine characteristics** ” Elias tried.

“ **Neither Leia or Rey have typical feminine characteristics. They are soldiers in a war, not very caring or nurturing or gentle or social** ”. Sana protested “ **Rey is good, innocent and has the sensitivity to the force just like Luke, she a talented pilot and loves spaceships like Han Solo. But she is nothing like Leia** ” she insisted. Simo understood what she was getting at “ **Ok, I get you. She is not a diplomat, strategic or a natural rebel leader like Leia** ”.

 

Sana continued “ **Leia is also much angrier and worries more, totally devoted to the cause. Anyway don’t say too much about the new movie cause I haven't seen it yet** ”. Jamilla had joined them “ **We could go and see it all together. That could be fun** ” she suggested. Sana was surprised “ **Really? You liked it so much that you want to see it again?** ” she asked, it didn’t seem like Jamilla. “ **I haven't seen it. What do you mean?** ” Jamilla answered. “ **I thought you had already seen it with Simo on the premiere** ” Sana explained, realizing from Simo’s look that she had said too much. Jamilla turned to her husband “ **So you went to the premiere? With your friends?** ”. Simo looked guilty and avoided her eyes “ **Well, you said that you didn’t care about it** ”. Jamilla got upset now. “ **But you lied to me. You said you were going to study but instead you went to see a movie with your friends!** ” she accused him. “ **I never lied. I just didn’t tell you** ” Simo corrected her. Jamilla shook her head “ **You are such a boy!** ”.

 

Sana and Elias tried not to laugh when she went back to the kitchen. Simo scratched his head and asked Sana “ **Are you ever jealous of Yousef when he wants to hang out with his friends?** ”. Sana laughed at the idea “ **Me, being jealous of Elias and the guys? Oh no, I think it’s the other way around. they are more jealous of me when he prefers to hang out with me** ”. Elias didn’t disagree but said “ **It’s ok. We are used to Yousef being distracted by Sana long before they got together anyway** ”.

Dinner was ready and afterwards Sana and Simo took care of the dishes, something that pleased both Jamilla and their mother. Tomorrow was Sana’s birthday and she was really looking forward to it.

 

### Birthday girl: Sunday 24 December

Sana’s birthday celebrations started with a late breakfast with her girls at Noora's apartment. It was fancy! They had pancakes, fresh bread rolls, boiled eggs, three types of cheese, two types of marmalade and coffee and juice. “ **This will so be the best part of today! When did Christmas become so boring? I used to love it as a kid** ” Eva commented. “ **I still love it. We always spend it with my cousins, it’s going to be epic! Ok not epic but fun** ” Chris said.

Noora shivered “ **I never liked Christmas much. It was always awkward, like my parents were trying to make it special for me just because they should but they didn’t really care. And we used to visit my grandparents, also more because they felt like we should because it was Christmas**  ”. Vilde smiled “ **I like it. We don’t do much, but we always watch a Christmas movie together. My mom is a real movie lover**.”

Sana smiled at them “ **Well I obviously love it because it’s my birthday. The best part was that Elias got so angry that I got presents and he didn’t. Every year they explained that I didn’t get presents on his birthday** ”.

 

“ **Ah, presents! Where did you put it Noora?** ” Vilde asked. Noora sneaked into her room, trying not to wake up William and came back with a present. It was a soft gym bag with “ _I am an odd combination of Really Sweet and Don’t Mess With Me_ ” written all over it and inside was another smaller present. Sana opend it and it was a book “ _Sex Signals: The Biology of Love_ ”. Sana held it up and laughed at them “ **You really think that I need this, don’t you?!** ”. Noora was the first to answer. “ **Well you love biology, so we thought you would enjoy it** ”. “ **And it is suppose to be very scientific and serious, you know about hormones and reactions in the brain and stuff** ” Vilde added.

Sana thought about saying something about values and biology not being an excuse for doing things that are against her faith but decided not to. She just thanked them and hugged all of them. The book did seem interesting.

 

Next on the schedule was a late family birthday lunch. Her mother was preparing a buffé of Sana’s favorite dishes, with help from Jamilla and her father did his famous keftas and roasted chicken. Simo and Elias were set on preparing the dining room table. Almost done Simo put his arm around Sana's shoulders and inspected their work. “ **So, is anything missing?** ” he asked her. “ **Napkins** ” she noted and Simo ordered Elias to get some. “ **Maybe candles?** ” Sana added when Elias was back with the napkins. Simo agreed and gave a new order to Elias. “ **What is this? You two being management and I am the only one working?** ” Elias protested. “ **No, no, you’ve got it wrong. Sana is the queen today. I am dining room director and you are, yeah, you got that part right** ” Simo explained. “ **So run along, don’t disrespect your queen** ”.

Elias went back to the kitchen and had to ask their mother about the candles, where to find them, which color and candle holders he should take.

 

Simo and Sana sat down in two armchairs and relaxed. “ **When is Yousef coming over?** ” Simo wanted to know. “ **He’ll be here in time for the cake** ” Sana answered. “ **I like him. Out of Elias’ friends he is the least idiot** ” Simo said. Sana laughed “ **Oh, so he is still an idiot, just less than the others?** ” she wondered. Simo nodded “ **All guys that age are idiots. I am an idiot! I kept it secret from my wife that I went to see Star Wars** ”. “ **Y** **ou have a point there** ” Sana agreed.

“ **It is not easy for Jamilla. Her danish is getting better but still some days… like when she was at the clinic and the old people can’t understand her, she gets really frustrated. We all know that if she’d look more Scandinavian they'd just think that she had a cute Norwegian accent, but now they can be really rude and racist. She misses Oslo, her friends and family a lot** ”.

Sana didn’t know what to say and instead asked “ **Do you speak Danish now? I can’t imagine that** ”. Simo laughed “ **Well I think I speak danish but my Danish friends still thinks it sounds more like Norwegian or maybe Swedish. It’s some kind of mix I guess**.”

 

“ **Elias says you have a wicked tongue and that all the guys at Nissen are scared of you. Good girl!** ”  Simo said approvingly. Sana shrugged “ **Yeah, too bad you can’t be both professional and sassy at work. Anyway my future patients will be sedated!** ”. Simo laughed at her “ **You wish! The pre ops and post ops are the worst. Saying things like** **_I really recommend this surgery but there are always risks and you might die_ ** ”.

 

“ **It’s nice to have you home** ” she said. “ **I wouldn’t miss you birthday for the world”** Simo answered. “ **And we might even be here more this spring. Jamilla is trying to get a place to do her 10 weeks practical part in Oslo** ”. This was news to Sana “ **You too?** ” she asked. “ **Maybe, I am looking into it. But anyway, if Jamilla is here I’d visit more often. And I don’t think being apart would necessary be a bad thing** ” he answered. Sana nodded “ **There is Skype!** ”.  

 

Yousef joined them for the cake and all together it was a great birthday. Sana looked at her presents. She had gotten a new computer from her parents. And it was a bit funny that her mother and Jamilla had bought matching gifts, books on women in Islam and something related to cooking; a recipe book from Jamilla and Simo and a Moroccan ceramic cooking tagine pot from her mother. “ **Well, I thought it was about time I teach you some basics** ” her mother explained. From Yousef she had gotten a Game of Thrones T-shirt “Mother of dragons” with a card addressed “to my Khaleesi” and from Elias dragon slippers.

  
Looking at all her presents on her bed in her room Sana felt thankful for having so many people that she loved in her life, people that knew and cared for her. Still, in an odd way she felt a little pressured, to change or fit in; biology and sex from her friends, Islam and cooking from her mother and Jamilla. All of the presents were good gifts, and they suited her, but she felt obstinate towards the gifts. Maybe she didn’t want to think about sex, or Islam or cooking at all now. She put away the books, focused on setting up the computer, she didn’t know what book to start reading anyway. Before going to bed she took a selfie with the T-shirt, pyjamas pants and dragon slippers and sent it to Yousef. “ **Thanks for today. Now this mother of dragon is going to bed** ”.


	10. Anger issues

###  Women in the kitchen: Monday 1 January

Jamilla was complaining about Simo, again. “ **He has so many non-muslim friends in Cope, and I don’t understand why. I have nothing to talk to them about, or their girlfriends** .” Sana was getting tired of it. Before she had to listen to Jamilla complaining about Simo not noticing her and then how she could not wait until they’d get married and now, everything was a problem. He studied too much, came home late, didn’t do dishes and his friends were no good. Sana snapped at her “ **Well just get a divorce if it os so bad!** ” she said. Jamilla stared at her as if she was insane. Sana regretted her harsh words, took a deep breath, calmed down and said “ **I am sorry, I did not mean that. But you complain all the time about my brother. Nobody said that married life was always going to be easy** ”. Jamilla was offended and pouted for the rest of the afternoon.

 

I was new year's day, Sana was tired from last night's party at Kollektivet and now Jamilla’s parents were invited over for dinner. And as if that was not enough, he mother insisted that Sana should help and learn in the kitchen. Everything that Sana did went wrong. She was not focused or interested enough and got more and more irritated by the instructions and corrections she was receiving. After half an hour she just left, excused herself to the bathroom and sneaked of to her room afterwards. 

Simo was sent looking for her and got stuck watching Youtube-clips with her on her bed. After a few videos he said “ **Ok, I need to go back or else they will send somebody looking for me as well. Should I just tell them that you have a headache or something?** ” he asked. Sana nodded at him. 

 

She felt totally wasted, like her brain needed a vacation, from everybody. Yousef had also asked, again, the night before, about who the guy was, the one she had kissed. “ **I am just trying to understand you. You are like two persons at once. Sometimes this badass who just says and does whatever she wants and doesn’t care what people think. Kissing some guy your friend also has had a thing with. And then you have the rules. And you hesitated on whether or not you should give me a chance, and let me kiss you, if it would be too risky. And it’s ok, but I don’t get it.** ” His curiosity or jealousy was starting to get on her nerves. “ **But why do you care? It was a thing in the past, not important. I am not kissing anybody else now**.” she just answered. “ **The more you want to know, the less I want to tell you”** she stated. Yousef laughed at that **“But you get it right? This makes it a vicious circle, cause every time you say that it is not important and still insist on not telling me, the bigger it seems and the more I wonder about it** ” he replied.

 

Sana laid down and put her feet up against the wall, trying to get some extra blood to her brain. She missed Chris who was on Grand Canaria. Simo was an ok substitute, but he was not Chris, she could not talk to him about everything.

  
  


###  Super full moon: Tuesday 2 January

The next day their parents were invited to a dinner party so they decided to have a movie and pizza night at home. Elias and Yousef were caught up in a Fifa game, Jamilla was just chilling of the sofa, reading a book, so Sana and Simo offered to buy drinks and pick up the pizzas. The night was crispy and the sky was clear and full of stars and the biggest moon Sana had ever seen. “ **It’s called a super full moon** ” Simo explained. “ **The moon is the closest to the earth right now, so that’s why it seems so big** ”. They stayed and looked at it for a while. 

“ **Does that mean that there is a risk that people will get more crazy these days?** ” Sana asked, remembering a movie she had seen a long time ago. “ **Yes, haven't you noticed?** ” Simo answered and they laughed at it. It had been more arguments and irritation than usually at home lately. Maybe it was because they were two extra people in the house. Their mother often tended to get more emotional and sad when the day for Simo and Jamilla leaving was getting closer. Only three days left now.

 

“ **Did you know that Yousef is not a muslim? That he doesn’t believe in Allah anymore?** ” Sana asked Simo. Simo raised an eyebrow and answered “ **I never would have guessed tha** t.  **But he must have noticed that you do** ”. Sana continued “ **Do you think that I am wasting my time with him?** ”. Simo was thinking about it before he answered “ **Do you think so? You know him a lot better than me”** . 

Sana was surprised and still not. She was sure that Jamilla would have answered  _ yes _ and that it was a big risk being with a non-muslim, but Simo reacted more like Elias had done before him. Like Yousef not being a muslim was not a big deal as long as he was a good guy. “ **Besides, you never know. It might just be a phas** e” Simo added. Sana insisted on getting a real answer from him “ **But, would you have started something with Jamilla and married her if she was not a muslim?** ”. Simo first didn’t know what to say “ **That is an impossible question. You know how Jamilla is, she wouldn’t be the same person then!** ” he tried to explain. “ **She keeps my on my toes, she makes me want to be a better person** ”. He stopped and hesitated on how or if he should continue and chose to go on and tell her “ **I did… have a girlfriend my first year in Cope. She was not a muslim. It didn’t last long, a few weeks, I ended it cause I didn’t see a future in it. I didn’t want to waste her or my time. But I don’t think it was because of what she believed or didn’t believe. It just felt so loose.** ” This was all news to Sana. “ **And then when I came home to Oslo I saw Jamilla and everything fell into place, what was missing** ” he continued. “ **At the garden dinner?** ” Sana asked. “ **No, it was before that, when i was home over easter. I didn’t act on it then. I felt that I needed to think about it, I knew that Jamilla was in love with me and I didn’t want to create a mess. But she convinced me, she knew what she wanted and was not afraid of letting me know it** .” He tried to explain. 

“ **So this Cope-chick-affair convinced you that Jamilla was the one?** ” Sana wondered. Simo agreed “ **Yeah, I guess so. Jamilla was home and future for me. My other half** ”. “ **But you fight all the time!** ” Sana protested. Simo disagreed “ **We don’t fight all the time. The only reason you see it is because we feel so relaxed around you. Things are not either black or white Sana. Married life is not only paradise. It’s ok to argue and disagree sometimes to.** ” Sana felt like her naive and romantic side had been exposed, the side of her that she normally pushed away. “ **And about Yousef. We pick and choose from Islam all the time, what we want to cherish and emphasise on and what we deem as just outdated old traditions. I mean, one could argue that it is ok to own slaves, marry children and that a person abandoning Islam, like Yousef, should be put to death for apostasy, but we don’t believe in that now, do we? That would be crazy.** ” Simo shrugged “ **Maybe being with a non-muslim is not the end of the world. Are you wasting your time? Well do you see a possible future with Yousef? If not, then I think you might be wasting your time a little.** ” He looked down on his phone and added “ **The pizzas are for sure ready now** ”.

 

… 

 

After the movie Sana stayed with Yousef on the sofa when the others started putting away pizza boxes and dishes. She was thinking about how much she like him, liked being with him and how lucky she was to have him. He was trying to read her eyes, like so many times before but gave up and leaned over to kiss her instead. “ **So, did the mystery guy kiss you anything like this?** ” he just had to ask her teasingly after. That broke the magic of the moment and Sana pulled away from him and shook her head at him. “ **You are really a special kind of stupid aren't you?** ” she said. “ **What?! It was a joke!** ” he defended himself.  **“It’s only fun to tease you about it because you won't tell me!** ” he continued. Sana noticed Jamilla in the doorway and wondered how much she had heard or seen and what she would think. Apparently she did not feel relaxed enough to argue with Yousef in front of other people, or kiss him. “ **Come on, Sana, don’t be angry at me? I’ll never bring it up again** ” Yousef tried and she forgave him.

  
  


###  Muslim girlfriends: Wednesday 3 January

The next day Sana suspected that Simo had told Jamilla about Yousef. Jamilla continued talking about the importance of the right guidance and surrounding you with good influences. She had also asked Sana to join her meeting up with friends later in the day. “ **You could need some good muslim girlfriends now that I am in Cope** ” she argued. Sana was not interested and answered that she already had friends, Yousef and too much in school. 

 

A few years back Sana sometimes join Jamilla and her group of friends but she had never felt like she fitted in there. It was right before she started at Nissen, so she didn't really feel like she fitted in anywhere at that point. Growing up with two brothers also made her used to certain jargon and way of joking that hadn’t been appreciated by Jamilla’s friends. So Sana just got quiet, thinking that she had to censor herself when she was with them and try being a good muslim girl but ending up just getting irritated and feeling fake.

 

Now she felt conflicted. Between people pulling her in different directions and her own thoughts and convictions, and what was just ideas inherited by others. She felt connections with people, not based on their belief systems. She felt a stronger connection with her non-muslim girlfriends than with Jamillas friends. She could be herself with them, not a fake or censured version. And she felt a stronger connection with Yousef than anybody else. She was another version of herself with him than with her friends though. It was remarkable how he would see her, really see and notice her. She had never felt seen like that before, like she was the most interesting person in the whole world, like the universe revolved around her. Why should she not be with him? She didn’t choose or decide who she connected with, it was just there, like it was predetermined, like it was written.

 

She was thinking about how Simo had talked about having a non-muslim girlfriend for a few weeks who he didn’t see a future with. And Elias also talking about not being ready to meet a “nice” girl. But was he more into meeting a “bad” girl for now, or what? She didn’t want to judge anyone, it was not her place, but she was irritated about their whole attitude. The fact that it didn’t seem to be such a big thing for them being with a girl and at the same time expecting to get a nice muslim girl in the end when they wanted to get serious and get married. She had seen it before, even Yousef showed these tendencies now, being jealous about an unimportant kiss. Why should the women be expected to be focused and pure and carry the responsibility of keeping their men in line while the men could get away with so much?

 

But she really was not judging. She would be happy for Chris if it turned out that Mutta was a “bad muslim”, like she had been happy for all her friends when they got together with the person they wanted to be with. She didn’t expect or want to force anybody else to live according to her rules or standards. Apart from Yousef now for obvious reasons. It had been her own choice to stay pure, a choice she had made freely due to something she believed in. Who was she to judge people for not wanting to make the same choices that she did.

 

Later that evening she was helping with the dishes. Her mother was putting away leftovers and asked her “ **How come you didn’t want to go with Jamilla and her friends today?** ”. Sana sighted but tried to answer calmly “ **I just didn’t feel like it** ”. Her mother continued “ **But it could be good for you to also have a few muslim girlfriends in Oslo, now that Jamilla lives so far away** ”. Sana felt the irritation growing inside her and clenched her hands which made the pot she was washing slip to the floor and break into pieces. Her mother came to help her pick up the pieces. It was the Moroccan tagine pot that she had gotten for her birthday. She stared at the pattern on the broken pieces in her hands and felt the tears coming. Her mother liberated her hands and tried to comfort her. “ **It is ok, Sana, I’ll get you another one** ”. 

  
  


###  Know when you need help

After a long bath Sana crawled up in bed with her new computer but got stuck in her thoughts. She was not sure if the Moroccan tagine pot had slipped from her hands or if she had crashed it on purpose. She realised, once again that she had anger issues. She was angry. A lot. She was angry with God for making life so complicated. Why would he put Yousef on earth and in her life and make them feel like they belonged together and then say that it was wrong for them to be together. Or maybe she was not angry with God, maybe he had no problem with them being together. Then she was angry with the religion and rules and people in it. With her mother and Jamilla for not taking her side on this and silently expressing their worries about her soul and her losing faith. They meant well but she just felt like they didn’t trust her. It didn’t make sense, they thought that she was old enough to explore religious truths but not to understand love. They had both been young when they found love, why was it so hard for them to see that it also was possible for Sana.

 

Sana thought that she had stopped being angry at Yousef for leaving Islam but occasionally, like now, it came back. The anger and doubt that he had not tried enough, that he had not really searched God and asked for guidance. That he had just escaped and chosen an easier path, picking the easy parts and leaving the difficult parts that required work. And now, him being jealous of a silly kiss that meant nothing, while he had done a lot more himself.

 

She was so angry with herself for not just being chill like her brothers about all of this. She wished that she could just shake off all this pressure. She wanted to be the one who spread love, not the angry and judging one. She wanted to be the one who was happy for other people and allowed herself to be happy, secure enough of her own opinions that she just didn’t care what other people thought. Strangers were easy to ignore, but not Jamilla’s point of view, and especially not what her mother thought.

 

In many ways she was a lot like Simo, they both had always had an all or nothing mentality. In school, either you tried to be the best or it was no point. And with relationships, either you go all in or you stop wasting your and the other person's time. She hated the whole girlfriend-boyfriend limbo. What was it about anyway? Getting to know each other? You have a life time to get to know each other, at some point it should just be making a decision, sticking to it and get things to work. She couldn’t really blame Yousef for this, she was the one hesitated, not being ready to say  _ I love you _ or talk about the future. How long could she go on like this?

 

She knew a lot of people who would consider what she was doing wrong. Maybe Jamilla, her friends, even her own mom. Who would consider her being a bad muslim for having a boyfriend, who she hugged, kissed and flirted with. Talking and joking about sex with her friends, going to parties. People who might consider her not a good representative for Islam or worthy of carrying the hijab. Well, it was none of their business, she didn’t do it for them, to impress them.

 

She noticed that she had started to cry and got herself together and opened the computer. She googled anger management. The last point on the list she found was  _ know when to seek help _ .

  
  


###  Dr Skrulle: Monday 8 January

“ **I have anger issues** ” Sana starts the conversation with Dr Skrulle. It was the first day back at school after the break and Sana felt that after all of her murderous thought about her family over the holidays she needed to talk to someone. Or at least it could not make it any worse. She did not have very high opinion of Dr Skrulle, but maybe she could point her in the right direction or refer her to a real shrink. “ **I also have trust issues and intimacy issues. And I used to be bullied in my old school and have to put up with racism, islamophobia and sexism on a regular basis** ” she continued.

 

Dr Skrulle looked at her like she was in deep thought. “ **Then you have reasons to be angry. Do you want to hurt people? You know, boom, blow things up? Or hurt yourself?** ”. Sana didn’t know what to answer. Why did she ask her that? Off course she wanted to hurt people or blow things up when she was angry. But if she would stay it out loud it would sound like she was a potential terrorist. Is that what Dr Skrulle was wondering? Sana started to regret that she had come and felt the irritation start to crawl up to her brain. “ **I don’t know, I smashed a ceramic pot the other day** ” she answered as calmly as she could. That was an honest answer, it was the main reason she had come, and not too extreme either.

 

“ **Do you move a lot? Do any physical exercise?** ” was the next question. “ **I play basketball, in a team. I used to practice 3 times a week but I stopped this year.** ” Sana answered. “ **That was a mistake. It is good to move, to release stress** ” Dr Skrulle informed her. Sana nodded, she already knew that

 

Dr Skrulle continued rambling on “ **When you get angry it fires up your animalistic flight or fight response. And the freeze response is a part of it to, but no, that has to do with fear I think** .” Sana told herself that unless Dr Skrulle said anything interesting or useful within 10 seconds she would just stand up and leave.” **When that happens, stress hormones, like adrenaline and cortisol, speed up your heart rate and breathing. You get a burst of energy. Your blood vessels tighten. Your blood pressure soars** .”. No she had Sana’s full attention. “ **You’re ready to run for your life or fight an enemy. If this happens often, you can get a heart attack and die!** ”. Sana stared at her. “ **Am I not a little too young?** ” **.** “ **No, there was a boy in Kuala Lumpur who was only 13 years old and died from a heart attack. And he also played basketball** ”. Sana felt confused, first she tells her to play more basketball and then this story.

 

“ **When animals need to defends their territory or hunt, it enters into survival state, but only as long as needed. Once a threat has passed, the animal returns to natural, calm, relaxed state** .  **We can learn alot from animals** .” Dr Skrulle started looking for through a pile of folders, stopped when she found what she was looking for and looked at it. “ **It is not dangerous to get angry, but it is very stressful if you stay angry, or get angry to often and don’t relax** .”

She showed Sana the folder with 10 tips on anger management. Sana felt like she already was doing most things on the list, she tried to calm down and not act or talk in anger, when she prayed it served both as timeout and relaxation.

 

Dr Skrulle pointed on number 7. “ **Are you religious? Forgiveness is good, it is not healthy to hold a grudge.** ” And then she pointed on number 8. “ **Do you have fun friends? Humor can release tension. But not sarcasm, stay away from that** .”

Sana stared at her, yeah she had fun friends. “ **Is that it? I should move more, forgive people more and… laughing?** ”

 

Dr Skrulle observed her for a minute, like she was measuring her up. Then she gave her another folder. “ **Here is another method. Using creative visualization. Imagine yourself being within a protective cocoon of light. A safe place. And from there strongly affirm that all thoughts to others are beautiful and loving and travelling through your egg of light to yourself. While all negative and harmful thoughts from others bounce on your egg…** ” Sana took the folder and interrupted her “ **Thank you, I need to go now. I have class** ”. 

  
  


###  Islam chat: Tuesday 9 January

Sana: **Hi, are you awake?**

Yousef: **yes**

Sana: **it was Vilde**

Yousef: **What?**

Sana: **the person I have kissed**

Yousef: **ok, did it feel good?**

Sana: **smh**

Yousef: **What? That’s the whole point, right! :P**

**I hope this does not mean that you might be lesbian too and we need to take a break...**

Sana: **no, it was a fun thing we did at a party**

**anyway only Chris knows so don’t make a thing about it**

Yousef: **your dirty secret is safe with me ;)**

Sana: **it was not that dirty**

**And you asked me before, if I often think about it, you not being a muslim**

Yousef: **yes?**

Sana: **sometimes I wonder if it would had been different or easier…**

**but maybe we would just talk less about what we believe and why, what is important to us, because we would just assume things, assume that we agreed on things**

Yousef: **maybe**

Sana: **then I remember Eid al-Adha and it made me sad**

Yousef: **ok, sorry**

Sana: **It is ok for me to call my girls bitches but I would never tolerate that from a guy**

**It felt the same when you started to criticise Islam… it hurts, because you are not a muslim**

**and after that I was not sure I wanted to talk to you about it anymore**

Yousef: **I don’t know what to say...**

**I grew up with the same stories you did**

**I am not an outsider**

Sana: **I am not sure it makes it any better… for me… you chose to leave it, throw it all away**

Yousef: **No, I chose to throw away some parts. I still value other parts**

**And when it comes to you…**

**at first I was not sure how important it was to you, you were not isolating yourself you had non-muslim friends…**

**then when you told me, what prayer meant to you, how you viewed the world, it was beautiful**

**and intelligent…**

**and I don’t want you to change or become like me**

Sana: **I know :)**

Yousef: **So… it was not really WHAT I said that was hurtful. If Elias would have said the same about Ibrahim and God, it would had been ok?**

Sana: **It would had been another discussion**

**the whole “child's-perspective” is not typical Elias though**

Yousef: **I guess not**

**I also think about it sometime… you and me not having the same… worldview**

**and I think about kids growing up today, meeting many ways of believing, in society and maybe at home**

Sana: **I know :) we are not that rare**

Yousef: **I guess there must be things that you question as well**

**I mean now that you are following muslim feminists online and all?**

Sana: **yes, off course, but I am not sure you are the right person to talk to about that :P**

**you’re a guy and not muslim**

Yousef: **hmm. so who do you talk to then?**

Sana: **different people about different matters I guess**

**I even talked to the school nurse yesterday, about me having anger issues! She is hilarious**

Yousef: **did it help**

Sana: **she basically told me to move more, forgive people and laugh more**

Yousef: **good advice! I approve**

  
  



	11. Crucial topics

### Crucial topics to discuss: Wednesday 10 January

It was strange but somehow the awkward talk with Dr Skulled helped. Sana thought about telling her friends about it during their lunch break in the cafeteria but there were other, more crucial topics that took over. Chris was thrilled to tell them about her late birthday present from Mutta. First she showed them the start of a rather sweet chat conversation. Chris being honest and writing: “ _I’m just gonna say it! I want you! and I want you for a long time so plis, plis try not to break my heart too much!_ ”. Followed by a heart eyed emoji from Mutta and “ _Off course I want that to_ ”. After that she told them about the kinky birthday present she got from him. A lot was implied but there was still a little too much details for Sana that she wished that she could erase it from her memory. She should not know these things, now it would be strange meeting Mutta at her house. “ **The problem now is that I have somehow lost my cool. I am shit scared that I will loose him! I was not scared before** ” Chris complained. Eva came with some words of wisdom from a magazine “ **Well, that is actually a good thing. I read somewhere that if you’re not scared to death to lose him, then your soulmate is still out there.** ”

 

Vilde was in a low mood, not like herself, but it didn’t take long to convince her to tell them what was on her mind. She had been getting shit from Pepsi Max girls about posting a photo on instagram of her and the girl she was dating. The post was full of comments implying that she just wants attention and guys love the idea of lesbians and treesomes.

“ **I don’t get it. I am always nice to them. And some of them I haven’t even talked to and still they seem to have an opinion about me** ”. Vilde got support from her friends and a hug from Eva who was sitting closest to her. Sana, like the others, felt like she was so sick and tired of those girls and sighted “ **Don’t kill them with kindness, kill them with blindness. Just ignore them. They are not worth your tears, anger or energy** ”.

 

But this was not all, Vilde seemed tired so they asked her about work. She had started working as a waitress at a pub on weekends and some evening and it seemed like it was getting to her. “ **Work is ok. It’s just one of the bartenders, I sometimes get these comments and suggestions from him, you know sexual. So I told him that I date girls, but that didn’t make it any better** ”. Noora reacted and asked “ **Have you told your boss? You have the right to a good work environment free from sexually harassement** ”. Vilde shook her head “ **I don’t think my boss will take it serious anyway. He is just joking around** ”. Noora got all legal on her again “ **But it’s no fun for you, right? Then it constitute sexuell harasment and you boss needs to take action!** ”.

Vilde seemed very uncomfortable and tired. “ **I don’t know, I really need this work. So I’ll just try to kill it with blindness, right, and not let it get to me. The customers are the worse anyway** ”. Noora nodded “ **Tell me about it! I have some creepy customers as well. They think that it is your job to just be there and boost their ego. But I can imagine it being worse in a pub, when they get drunk** ”.

Sana made a mental note to never apply for a job as a waitress. She wouldn’t last one day with sexist customers. At a party, at least you can talk back or walk away.

Vilde took a long sight and went on “ **The worse are either the older or richer guys, they think they can say and do anything as long as they tip you enough. And you should say thank you. And then there are the group of guys that think they are smooth and just flirting, and when you walk away you feel them staring at you and hear them laughing behind your back** ”.

 

...

 

Leaving the cafeteria Sana saw Olivia and Iselinn and a few other Pepsi Max girls standing together down the hallway and felt her dragon mother instincts to burn them come. She knew that there would always be people like them, that it was impossible to protect her friends and herself from them. She stared at them but tried to calm down remembering Dr Skrulles creative visualization exercise. “ **I only have beautiful and loving thoughts to them. All negative and harmful thoughts from them will bounce on my protective eggshell...** “ she started repeating in her head. But pretty she soon gave up thinking about Vilde and all that she has to go through, wishing she could give her a protective eggshell instead. “ **Fuck this, they need to know that they are nasty** ” she said silently to herself.

 

She walked down to them and said “ **Hi. You know that girls trashtalk other girls because they are so fucking insecure, right? My advice to you is to fix yourself first, because frankly it’s just ugly to look at** .” They looked at her frightened and confused and Olivia answered “ **I don’t know what you are talking about? And aren’t you trash talking us now, calling us ugly?** ”. Sana smiled at her “ **Oh, no, I am just giving you some friendly advice. So you can change. Do better** ”. Sara and Ingrid had seen what was going on and walked up to them. “ **What is going on here? I thought we were past this by now?** ” Sara asked Sana. “ **Control your hoes, that’s all I am saying** ” Sana answered.

 

Noora and Eva had also joined the group and left with Sana. “ **I thought we should kill them with blindness?** ” Noora asked confused. Sana answered “ **Vilde needs that. I needed this. Don’t worry, I am not going psycho angry on them again. They stood there with their fake smiles and I just needed to tell them of** ”.

 

### Sick Sana: Monday 29 January - Thursday 1 February

Sana had caught a terrible cold. It felt like her whole face was stuffed and in the morning she woke up with her head pounding and a sore throat. After two days at home resting she started to panic. She would miss out on this week’s chemistry labs and they had a big and important test in biochemistry coming up. The third day she managed to get Noora to pass by with her books and from school and tried to study from bed, but it just made her tired. And it was so much harder to understand the theory with having participated in lab experiments. The fourth day she send a message to Isak and asked if could he come over and go through his notes with her.

 

They sat on the living room sofa, Sana was wrapped up in a blanket and tried to follow Isak’s explanations. “ **So proteins are biochemical compounds consisting of one or more polypeptides...** ”. It was still blurry for her but she tried to focus. Elias and Yousef came home and saw them. “ **Good, you are up at least. Feeling any better?** ” Yousef asked standing in the doorway. Sana buried her face in a pillow “ **Don’t come here. I don’t want you to get sick** ” she warned him.

 

“ **But, do you want me to make you some tea with honey?** ” Yousef asked from the kitchen. “ **No, no, no Isak just said he would make me some** ” Sana answered. “ **When did I say that?** “. Isak seemed confused “ **And what about me? You don’t give a damn if I get sick?** ”. She glared at him from the pillow like he was an idiot. “ **Are you not my best bud? I look and feel like shit!** ” she complained to him with a low voice. “ **Besides you are not so touchy, you’ll be fine. Just wash your hands with soap before you eat.** ”

“ **And you hate my tea** ” he continued to protest. “ **We have a water boiler. The tea is in the second drawer, under the radio and the honey is in the cupboard above. You can do this! For me** ” she instructed him. She took her blanket and books and went to her bedroom, but could hear them laughing from the kitchen, followed by Yousef saying an long “ **Awww** ”. After a few minutes Isak joined her with the tea.

 

One hour later she was still trying to understand and copying Isaks notes. Her mother came in to check on her and got surprised to find a boy there. “ **How is my little girl doing?** ” she asked Sana and said hello to Isak. “ **More or less the same** ” Sana answered. “ **You remember Isak right? Even’s boyfriend** ” she added. Her mother answered “ **Oh yes. It is so nice of you to help Sana study. And give my love to Even** ”.

 

Sana looked up at Isak, “ **Thank you Isak. Really** ”. Isak shook his head “ **Don’t mention it. You’d do the same for me** ”. Sana looked at him skeptically “ **I don’t know about that. I hate sick people** ”. Isak laughed at that “ **You hate sick people and you want to become a doctor. Good luck with that!** ”. “ **A surgeon!** ” Sana corrected him.

 

### Sick chat: Thursday 1 February

Yousef **So Isak can be in your room and I can not?**

Sana **he is better at chemistry than you, I was desperate**

Yousef **but seriously, he has no clue on how to make tea!**

Sana **you can make the tea, he can bring it to me B)**

Yousef **that’s what we did**

Sana **I knew you’d figure it out**

Yousef **anyway my mom heard that you were sick and has made soup for you, so I am coming over with it tomorrow**

Sana **what? she knows that I am not an orfant right?**

Yousef **I may have mentioned that you liked the soup she made, on our first date**

Sana **that’s sweet of her**

**but I don’t want you here when I am sick...**

**so leave the soup in the kitchen**

Yousef **but I want to take care of you! I miss you :(**

Sana **I miss myself to**

**but I just want to rest and get well now**

Yousef **ok, I’ll leave you alone and leave the soup in the kitchen**

 

### Baby Puke: Wednesday 14 February

It felt like Sana had not seen Yousef in forever when she was on her way to him after school. First they had both been so busy, then she had been sick and then she had so much to catch up with on missed schoolwork. Leyla was out with the baby at the moment and Yousef gave her the biggest smile when he opened the door and an extra long hug. Sana felt something wet on his shoulder and pull away asking with a disgusted face “ **What is that on your shirt?** ”. He answered like it was nothing “ **Oh, it’s just some baby puke, I was holding Alexander before, after he had eaten**.” For a second Sana got a strange future flash of what life with Yousef would be like. Her coming home after a long day at the hospital, finding Yousef in sweatpants and with baby puke on his T-shirt while the baby was sleeping somewhere in the background. The picture made her smile. (Any future children were always sleeping in her future fantasies).

“ **Come on, it’s not that disgusting. It’s not like real vomit** ” Yousef explained and took of his T-shirt. “ **I’ll just get a clean T-shirt** ” he said and was about to go to his room when he noticed the way Sana was watching him and added amused “ **or… maybe not** ” and waggle his eyebrows. She had been studying his collarbones and the trail of hair going down, from around his nipples and on his chest, then circling his belly button and continuing down. The shape reminded her of an uterus illustration and part of her wanted to touch it, follow the trail of hair, with her fingers.

 

Sana drew her eyebrows together and shook her head doubtfully, said “ **This is why I should not be alone with you** ” and walked past him inside to the living room. Yousef went to get a new T-shirt on and said “ **Come on, it is not my fault if you get so distracted** ”. Sana protested “ **Distracted? It would be fun to see how you would handle it if I was walking around with no shirt on** ”. Yousef answered “ **Do it, it’s fine with me. I dare you** ” followed by a little nervous laugh.

Sana sat down on the sofa and stared him down and then said calmly “ **This is not fair. I do everything I can to be respectful and make things easier for you. And you? You do the opposite** ”. Yousef protested “ **I didn’t plan for the baby to puke on me!** ”. “ **No but you could just change T-shirt in your room like a normal person** ” she explained. Yousef looked guilty and started to apologise nervously “ **I am sorry Sana. I didn’t think. It was a joke, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful or anything** ”. When she saw how scared he looked she could not keep a straight face and said with a softer voice “ **It’s ok babe. I’m not angry with you. Come here** ”. Yousef joined her and snuggled up against her on sofa “ **Babe? I am babe now?** ”.

 

“ **You are really afraid of making me angry, aren't you?** ” she asked. “ **Well yeah, angry Sana is scary. I hope I’ll never make you angry again** ” he explained. Sana tried not to smile at him and reassured him “ **I am really working on keeping angry scary Sana under control now** ”. Yousef started caressing her hand. “ **I know. And it is not always bad to get angry, it is often the only healthy reaction. To the kids we say that they can be angry but they should not hurt people or destroy thing** ”. Sana smiled at him, and her dimples popped out. She was amazed by all these sweet portions of wisdom he possessed, just adapted to small kids reality. “ **So what do you tell the kids to do instead when they are angry?** ”. she asked. “ **That depends on their age and maturity. Really small kids can’t even tell you with words why they are angry. Then you can only hold them, get them to calm down and stop them from doing harm** ” he started. “ **But with older kids we tell them to calm down enough to tell us why they are angry. And then to maybe hit a pillow or jump and run around to lose the anger. It’s good to move to shake of the frustration** ” he said shaking his shoulders. Sana looked at him both impressed and amused. He got a bit shy and suggested they should start making the pizza they had planned on doing. Leyla would be back anytime now.

 

Yousef took out all the ingredients for the pizza and put them on the table. He started flattening the dough ball into a pizza and gave Sana instructions on preparing the toppings. He got distracted by a message his phone. “ **Ah, Sana, do you know what day it is today?** ” he asked. “ **Wednesday** ” she answered. “ **No, I mean... Happy Valentines Day** ” he said and kissed her on the cheek. “ **Ok, thank you** ” she answered. “ **Do we celebrate that?** ” she asked suspiciously. Yousef answered “ **We could. It can’t be wrong to celebrate love right?** ” he argued. Sana answered skeptically “ **Celebrate love? Only one day a year… it is just a big capitalistic American invention to get you to spend money on cheesy things, like expensive flowers, chocolate, fancy dinners, to pretend that you are being romantic. But it has nothing to do with love. And you can’t buy romance** ”.

Yousef laughed at her “ **Pretend?! Good thing I didn’t have anything planned, now that you completely diss it like this** ”. She smiled at him, yes that wouldn’t had worked on her. “ **Is that what your message was about? Who was it from?** ” she wanted to know and laughed when he admitted that his mother had sent him a valentine's greeting and told him to say hi to her. “ **She knew I was here? She is really keeping track on us!** ” she exclaimed. “ **She likes to know things. Anyway, so what do you find romantic then? No flowers, jewelry and chocolate.** ” Sana shrugged but smiled slightly while cutting some vegetables “ **I don’t know. Cooking maybe. Or being thoughtful I guess. Like when you brought me food on Ramadan. And you gave me flowers to once, remember?** ”. Yousef remembered and nodded “ **And then you unfriended me on Facebook! It all makes sense now. I’ll never do that again!** ” he said theatrical. It made her laugh. “ **No, I unfriended you before that. The flowers I liked, you picked them. I even kept them in a cup in my room** ” she explained. “ **Anyway Even is even having an epic love themed birthday party on Saturday. But maybe you are too cool for that too** ”. Yousef asked teasingly. “ **I know. I told Isak that I think we are coming** ” Sana answered. “ **Good, cause I want to go.. with you** ” he said softly while putting the cheese on the pizza, the final touch before it was time to put it in the oven.

 

### Elias pre-birthday: Sunday 4 March

Sana could hear Elias and his friends hanging out in the livingroom. The night before they had been out celebrating Elias coming 21st birthday, first at a pub having steak and drinks and later at a new club. Now they were just half watching a nature program and comparing stories from the night before, resulting in repeated laughter. It was  a little strange seeing Mutta, Sana thought and tried now to think about him and Chris together. She wondered if Yousef was there too and he went over to say hi to her as soon as he saw her in the doorway. Then she heard Adam talk about Elias flirting with a waitress. “ **After all your attempts, did you at least get her number?** ” he asked. Sana felt how her jaws clenched together thinking about Vilde and Nooras stories about annoying customers, young guys in a group who just didn’t give up and she felt the need to interfere.

 

“ **You were flirting with the waitress? During her shift? At her workplace?** ” she asked him severely. Elias looked up confused and answered “ **Well, yeah** ”. “ **You know that she is paid to serve you and take your money. Not to entertain you or boost your ego** ” she pointed out to him. “ **So then I can’t talk to her? Show her some appreciation?** ” Elias asked defensively. She had everybody’s attention now, and sat down and started to lecture them.

 

“ **Ok, I have two close friends who work in the service sector and I get to hear a lot about all the crap they have to take from customers every single shift. Maybe it is not the one thing you said that is so bad, but all of it together. Comments on their looks, sexual implications when they take orders, grabbing and touching them, suggestions on things to do after their shift… Don’t you see it, they are not there to have fun or because they are looking to hook up with a guy. They do it because they get paid. Can’t you see your role here? You pay her salary, so she can’t just tell you to fuck of either.** ”

 

They were all staring at her like this was news to them, then Mikael said “ **I get some sleazy comments to, when I work on the ship. From both men and women. But I think it is worse for my female colleagues** ”. Mutta agreed, they were both working in the restaurant on the Copenhagen ferry. Sana nodded at them confirmative. Elias was still puzzled “ **Ok, but I am not a creep or sleazy. I am just friendly. It’s meant to be fun, as a complement** ”.

“ **Ok. Remember what I said about guys in a group? Well, when you sit there and then she walks away and you all look at her and start to laugh, she is probably not thinking,** ** _what a_** **_nice guy, I should give him my phone number_** ”. Now she noticed that they all looked guilty so she turned to Yousef and asked “ **Why do you look so guilty?** ”. It came out more harsh than she intended and he jumped at her question and started rambling “ **I didn’t flirt, I don’t flirt. But I was there. I laughed. At Elias, not at the waitress! But I can see who that… was maybe not very nice for her** ”.

The guys laughed but stopped when they saw Sana face, still serious. She relaxed a bit and felt satisfied, like the messages was getting through to them. Elias was still in thoughts though, like he was trying to process these new terms. “ **So, if I really would like to get to know her, what should I do?** ” he asked. Sana shrugged “ **I don’t know. But you would probably make a better impression if you just treated her like a person and tried to talk to her when she was not working** ”. Mikael suggested “ **You could leave her a note, when you leave. Then it is up to her if she wants to know you more. I got a nice note once**.”

“ **You’ll figure it out.** ” Sana said and left to take care of cloths in the laundry room. Yousef offered to help her and was met with skepticism from his friends, but didn’t care and joined her when she left anyway.

 

### Women’s day chat: Tuesday 6 March

Sana **I can’t meet you on March 8**

Yousef **why not?**

Sana **Women’s day. We all promised Noora to join her march, she’s been bugging us about not showing solidarity last year**

Yousef **I can join to!**

Sana **you wanna go in a Women’s day march with us? Only girls**

Yousef **why not? apart from the whole justice perspective, personally I can only gain from it**

Sana **everybody gain on equality! but what do you mean?**

Yousef **well, I have chosen a women dominated profession**

**I know that what we do is of great value to society even if it doesn’t show on the paycheck**

**and I know that you will make much more money than me but still as a man I am traditionally considered the breadwinner… by some**

Sana **so you mean you are being discriminate like a woman for your choice of profession AND that you might be considered less of a man for having a lower salary than me…**

Yousef **something like that**

Sana **now I feel sorry for you**

Yousef **don’t. and don’t get me wrong. It does not bother me much, having a lower salary then you, although I do think many women dominated professions should get more appreciation**

Sana **Noora would love this discussion! Yeah, you should demonstrate with us on March 8!**

Yousef **what does the banner say?**

**It will be wired if it says “men are pigs!”**

**I normally avoid demonstrations**

Sana **We will make our own banner ...**

Yousef **Can I bring my study group?**

Sana **Sure thing :) They are also oppressed!**

Yousef **Hmm I wouldn’t go as far as calling us oppressed, but slightly disadvantaged maybe**

Sana **ok**

 

### Los feministas chat: Tuesday 6 March

Noora **Hi, all my feminist activists! Who can meet at my place tomorrow and make banners?**

Vilde **I work, but I’ll join on the march!**

Eva **I can come over**

Sana **me to. after school though**

Noora **I am home from 15**

Sana **is it ok if Yousef join the march? Unless we plan to write “men are pigs” on our banners**

Vilde **Yossi is such a sweety!**

Eva **What? Isn’t this a bit weird, like when Vilde invited Magnus into our chat? It’s weird**

Sana **You’re right. It’s weird. I’ll tell him no**

Noora **Wait. Did he say he wanted to join the march? I think it is good**

Sana **Yeah, he went on about working in a women dominated profession and greater gender equality can only gain him**

Eva **so it’s for egoistic reasons, not for women**

Noora **greater gender equality can gain most men. The only once it doesn’t gain are those who wants to oppress and look down on women**

Vilde **I vote for Yossi on the march**

Chris **ok, with me! Mutta has been on about sexism and harassment in the service sector to, how it’s worse for the women**

Eva **so, is he also joining? Anyone else?**

Chris **no, I think he is working on Thursday**

Noora **no chance William is coming, he hates demonstrations. But Eskild said he would (cause I joined him on pride), but I believe it when I see it**

Vilde **I want a sign that says “If it’s not fun for both, it is not flirting. End sexual harassment #metoo”**


	12. Anatomy

### Help you study: Friday 9 March

“What are you studying?” Yousef asked when he came into the kitchen where Sana sat with her laptop and her books and papers spread out. “ **Biology. Anatomy, reproductive system… sex** ” Sana answered and raised one eyebrow. “ **Interesting** ” he commented and looked closer at her papers. Her birthday present “ _Sex Signals: The Biology of Love_ ” was also in the pile. Yousef read one headline out loud “ **Sex is mostly between your ears, not between your legs!** ”. “ **Oh yes, the brain controls the central nervous system, endocrine system, release of dopamine, oxytocin, prolactin, vasopressin, endorphins, adrenalin, all senses and other factors such as emotions, perceptions, memories and associations** ” she explained trying to sound scientific.

Yousef was stunned. “ **Damn! I didn’t do the science path so our sex education was mostly watching Newton Puberty and then a discussion around legal aspects of sex. Like abortion, consent, rape**.”

“ **Did you know that it can still be possible to experience sexual climax and have babies after a spinal cord injury, even with paralysis below the waist?** ” she asked. “ **Wow. Nope, I didn’t know that** ” he answered. “ **And does this article explain how?** ” he asked a little embarrassed. She felt like he was distracting her, getting too close, sniffing around her papers, asking about sex and orgasms. “ **Ok, I can’t study this here, now that you are here** ” she closed her laptop and started getting her books and papers together, ready to move back into her room. “ **No, wait, I was joking. I can help you study** ” he said teasingly. Elias came into the kitchen wondering what was going on “ **What’s up? What are you studying?** ” he asked.

“ **Anatomy** ” Sana answered dryly. “ **Did you know that it is possible to get an orgasm even if you are paralyzed below the waist?** ” Yousef asked Elias. “ **Wow! But how?** ” Elias wanted to know. “ **I don’t know, and Sana won't tell me** ” he answered. “ **Ok, you are not helping her with that. Stop flirting, we have stuff to do!** ” he added.

 

…

 

Yousef knocked on Sana’s door later that evening. “ **Are you still busy studying? Ok, I won't bother you then** ” he said. She stopped him by saying “ **No, no, it’s ok, come in, bother me** ”. He entered, looked around in her room and seemed insecure on where to go or sit. Then he saw the soft basketball in a corner, made a shot, and sat down on on her bed. They never hanged out in her room. Sana realised that this was probably the first time he actually stayed in her room, not just walked through it to the balcony or stood in the doorway.

“ **Did the video.. get done?** ” she asked him. He nodded, “ **Yeah, it will be out tonight or tomorrow. Mikael promised to do the last editing** ”.

 

Sana’s mother came in and asked if Sana had some black delicate laundry for her. Then she turned to Yousef and said “ **I didn’t know you were still here, Yousef. Are you staying for dinner?** ”. Yousef hesitated and looked at Sana who answered for him “ **Yes. You’re staying right?** ”. He turned to Sana’s mother and answered “ **Ok. I’ll stay if it’s not too much trouble** ”. “ **No trouble at all** ” she reassured him and left.

 

Sana stared at him. “ **What was that all about. You eat here all the time?** ” she asked. He seemed uncomfortable and just said “ **I don’t know, your mother makes me nervous sometimes. I don’t think she likes me much** ”. “ **It is because she still thinks that you drink vodka!** ” Sana explained liked it was a perfectly normal reason. Yousef sighed and shook his head “ **That is just unfair. Anyway drinking vodka occasionally is not the worse thing one could do** ”. “ **No but there is a bigger risk that you do something stupid if when you drunk** ” Sana argued. “ **You don’t need to convince me. I don’t even drink** ” he answered.

 

…

 

Later on, after dinner and Yousef had left, Sana was getting ready to go to sleep and was just checking her friends updates on her phone in bed. Her mother came in to leave her the clean laundry. She asked how school and life was going and joined her daughter on the bed for a chat. The chemistry test that Isak had helped her with had gone well. “ **You never used to have boys in your room and now there has been several boys in here lately.** ” her mother remarked. “ **Several? Only two, Isak and Yousef** ” Sana corrected her. “ **Yes, only two. But do you think it is wise?** ” her mother asked. Sana got defensive and answered “ **We left the door open** ”. She looked at her mom who didn’t say anything more about it. It was so silly, if she wanted to have sex she could do it somewhere else, not necessary in her room or on her own bed. “ **You should stop worrying about me. Worry about why you are worried instead** ” she said annoyed.

 

Her mother was thinking about it. “ **Maybe I do worry too much. I just care about you, about all my children. Being young can be confusing. But it is not because I don’t trust you, I do trust you. I know that you make good decisions.** ” Sana nodded and said good night. It felt strange though, every time her mother told her that she trusted her, she started to question if she was doing the right things. She started thinking about if her mother really would approve with all the decisions she made.

  


### Hei Briskeby: Friday 9 March

Sana was watching the latest Hei Briskeby video. She couldn’t decide if she liked it or not. They had started to get more followers and some of their videos had gone viral, receiving both good and bad comments. This one was a women's’ day special called “ _Appreciate your local waitress_ ” and it was mixture of a serious message and just plain stupidity, telling the world about stupid thing they had done or said to a waitress followed by laughter and an apology and promise to never ever be an idiot again. Adam told a story about when he had made some lame sexual implications when a waitress asked if he _wanted anything else_ . Elias had suggested that another waitress was both _rare_ and _well-done_ when she asked about his steak and suggested them doing things after her shift that also could have sexual implications.

 

On one hand they did try to raise an important issue and seemed to see their own role in making it better or worse. On the other hand they were joking about it and that gave the impression that they were making fun of it, maybe even being ironic. And they were repeating and passing on really bad lines, something that could have the opposite effect getting other guys inspired to act like idiots.

 

Elias finishing line had been “ **And in the end, it doesn’t work anyway! I didn’t get her number, I even left a sweet note and now probably she thinks that I am an idiot. So think first and be smart** ”. Sana sneered at it. Be smart? Was it just a game for him to get her number in the end? She decided to not read the comments and just let it be. It had nothing to do with her, it was just her brothers and boyfriends stupid YouTube project. She had her own issues to deal with, school and all.

  


### Kindergarten chat: Tuesday 13 March

Yousef:  **When are you done tomorrow?**

Sana:  **15:15**

Yousef:  **Come by the kindergarten. I want to show you something**

Sana:  **I don’t think meeting kids will change my mind on having 12 kids. They are not that cute**

Yousef:  **They are that cute! But that’s not why**

**I want to show a project we have been working on with the kids**

Sana:  **ok. No more clue?**

Yousef:  **It is a science project…**

  


### Visiting the kindergarten: Wednesday 14 March

Yousef was three weeks in on his six weeks practical work at a kindergarten in the east part of Oslo. For Sana it was the first time she visited a kindergarten since she was five so she had no idea what to expect. When she arrived around three thirty many kids were outside playing, but she didn’t see Yousef anywhere on the playground. She must have seemed lost standing there by the gate looking around because a kindergarten teachers walk up to her and asked, in English, if she needed help. Sana was taken by surprise, why was she speaking English with her? First she didn’t know what to answer and couldn’t find the words. Then she remembered that Yousef worked at Jupiter, all groups were named after planets so she asked, in Norwegian, for Jupiter. The kindergarten teacher seemed embarrassed and pointed out were she should go.

 

Inside there were some parents picking up their kids, getting them dress and talking to the teachers. It took a while before she found Yousef in a room playing memory with two kids. “ **There you are!** ” he exclaimed when he saw her. She sat down on a much too low chair and watched them finish the game and then Yousef took her to another room to show the project that was nailed to the wall now. The five-year-olds had drawn full body selfportrait by laying down on a paper while a friend drew the contours of their body. After that they filled their body with contents; eyes, mouth, hair was common. But the kids had also been inspired by illustrations of internal organs, so almost all of them had drawn a heart and skeleton bones. Two boys had drawn little penises too. Yousef explained “ **Yeah, they really wanted to draw that, to show that they were boys** ”. And then he showed her two approximately six meter long snakes made by braided textile straps tied together, one stretched out and one nested together to a ball. “ **These are intestins** ” he explained proudly. Some of the kids were curious about Sana and wanted to tell her about their portrait. “ **These are my kidneys, they look like the beans and this is a blatter where the pee pee goes before it goes out** ” a little know-it-all girl told her. “ **I made a brain, because it is the best thing** ” another one said but was met by disagreement from a friend. “ **No, the heart is the best because without the heart the brain doesn't get blood and cannot work** ” he argued. Yousef joined the discussion “ **They are both very important. You cannot live without both a heart and a brain** ”.

Sana was amazed by the project. Maybe kids were not so bad after all. Yousef looked proud and said “ **I knew you would like it! Anyway I’ve been here since 7:30 so I can leave in a few minutes, I just need to find and tell my supervisor** ”. Sana stayed and looked at all the portraits, trying to understand what was what. One kid explained that some had drawn food in the stomach, fishcakes, potatoes and green peas.

 

On their way home she saw the kindergarten teacher who had spoken English with her and told Yousef about it. He answered “ **Aah. Ok, strange for you. But it is probably because we have some new kids, refugee children and some of the mothers are young and wears hijab too.** ” He continued “ **The kids are amazing, it takes them only a few weeks to start understanding and talking norwegian. For their parents it takes longer.** ” They didn’t talk about it anymore. Sana had mixed feelings about being taken for a newly arrived refugee woman. Sure, she did not know anything about those young mothers really, what they looked like, how they dressed. Still she was born in Norway, norwegian was the language that she mastered best and still, from time to time, she was reminded that many people around her considered her foreign. Maybe Isak was right, most were not real racists. Or they were just not aware of they own level of racism, differing between _us_ and _them_ , the others.

  


### I will not talk about this: Sunday 18 March

Yousef suggested they should go out, play basketball, get some fresh air. Sana agreed, they had been inside much too long. She had been studying for the coming biology exam like crazy lately her head was so full of reproductive organs that she had strange dreams about it at night.

 

“ **I read that a guy gets around 11 erection a day** ” she said out of the blue after they had been playing for a while. Yousef lost his focus and stopped and stared at her “ **Wait, what?** ”. Sana smiled at his reaction, “ **Yeah. Different types, reflexogenic or psychogenic. One study said between 10-15 in the prime years and then going down to about 5 around age 40. Is it true?** ”. “ **Why do you ask me? You shouldn’t ask me that!** ” he answered apparently uncomfortable.

 

“ **Well it would be awkward to ask Elias. I guess I could ask Isak, or Even…** ” she continued. “ **Please don’t ask Even those kind of things. That would just be too awkward** ”. He laughed a bit embarrassed. “ **Anyway. Why do ask when you already know everything. You’re the biology nerd** ”. “ **I want to understand stuff** ” Sana said opposingly. “ **I want to understand, not just, in theory, from a book or a scientific article** ”.

 

He tried to score with the ball but missed. “ **What are you saying? Not in theory. What does that even mean?** ” he asked confused and irritated. She blushed but tried to explain “ **Well, the study was made in the U.S. Maybe there are geographical and cultural differences** ”. “ **Does it matter? And what is even better, more or fewer...?** ” he asked. “ **It depends on the reason behind it I guess. Fewer could maybe indicate less obsession or interest in sex. And more could indicate that… everything is just functioning very well** ” she elaborated.

 

“ **You are crazy** ”. He shook his head. “ **This is not a normal conversation. I will not talk to you about this** ”. Then he laughed and added ” **Ha, you’ll have to marry me first. Hell, I’ll even go with you to the city hall tomorrow!** ” he teased her.

 

She took her time thinking about what he had said and asked “ **Do you really mean that?** ”. “ **Yes, this conversation is sooo over!** ” he answered and went to get the ball. “ **I meant about the city hall...** ” she explained. He stopped and looked at her long. “ **Are we talking about this seriously now?** ” he asked. “ **Hypothetically** ” she answered.

 

They walked over to sit at the swings. He analysed her face before he continued. “ **Ok, so if you, hypothetically, would want get married, with me, sure, it would be ok with me. I think about us as a long term thing** ” he explained. “ **Maybe not tomorrow, though, I have other plans** ”, he joked.

 

She thought about it and continued, weighing her words carefully “ **But... in the city hall. Not... like a muslim ceremony?** ”. He tilted her head and pulled his eyebrows together and thought about it. “ **Honestly, I haven't thought about the details... but I think I have to say that I believe something I don’t believe for that** ” he elaborated. “ **But you would want that, right?** ” he asked.

 

She hesitated but said “ **It’s like you say details. But I read about this Imam in Oxford, Taj Hargey, who offers nikah contracts to couples, also muslim women and non-muslim men. He talked about five conditions, like mutual respect for each others faith, right to raise the children as muslims and the right to a muslim funeral, stuff like that. It’s controversial, I know** ” she said and then got quiet. He had been listening to her so carefully. “ **I am really not an expert on this. I’ve just done some googling** ” she added. They sat quiet for a while.

 

“ **Are we talking about hypothetical children to?** ” he asked after a while. She nodded “ **That’s a natural part of the package, I guess. But twelve is insane!** ”. He laughed “ **One at a time is better, and see how it goes** ” he agreed. “ **Anyway you can’t have much of a career if you are knocked up all the time, so then I’d have to get a second wife and we can’t do that in Norway, so we’d have to move… it just seems to messy** ” he elaborated and she gave him an amused look shaking her head. He got serious and continued “ **Anyway,** **I wouldn’t mind our kids learning about Islam. But I really think it’s up to them to chose what they believe when they are old enough. I don’t want to pressure them too much in any direction** ”. Sana nodded and added “ **But I think you always somehow make a choice, at some point, what you believe or what you want to keep from what you were taught as a child** ”. She took a pause before she continued. “ **And I think that if we... as parents, could show them that it is possible... to live in peace together even if we don’t always agree on everything or believe exactly the same things, that would be valuable to, in itself** ”. He nodded, they were in agreement.

 

“ **I am going to look at an apartment on Tuesday** ” he started telling her. “ **I plan to share it with Mikael. And I was thinking, that in two years I’ll be done studying and will start to work, so then I can afford it alone. Maybe then you want to move in there with me** ”. She didn’t expect that and looked surprised at him. It all was getting so real now, too real. “ **Hypothetically?** ” she asked. He laughed, “ **No, I really am looking at an apartment on Tuesday. And I would like to live with you one day. We can off course get married first** ” he suggested. “ **You’d be over 20 then and study medicine for another 4 years. Do you want go with me and look at it? It has both a balcony and a bathtube.** ”.

 

Sana was stunned and didn’t know what to say first. She felt like all her resistance, all the reasons, the mental obstacles that she had built up in her head against being with Yousef was melting down like snow. He wanted to live with her, give her a home and marry her. He wasn’t being emotional or impulsive now, he had thought this through. About when it would be a good time for both of them and how to afford the apartment on their own. He was not just letting things happen to him anymore, letting other people make decisions for him. He was taking control of his own life. And he had remembered her wishes, that she liked a balcony and bathtub and that she didn’t want to be a teenage bride.

 

“ **Yes, I’d like that** ” she answered. He smiled “ **Ok, I’ll send you the address later** ”. “ **Yousef…** ” she added “ **I love you** ”. He smiled even bigger and pulled her swing closer and kissed her softly. “ **That is really good to know** ” he said. They sat in silence but Sana felt like a storm inside her. Things were happening very fast now, things were falling into place and stirring up new questions and doubts. She was wondering what her mother would think. And other people, if they would just think that they were getting married so that they could have sex. Or if they would think she was doing wrong, marrying a non-believing man. But right now, she didn’t care. Right now, she just wanted to enjoy Yousef’s company. She could not imagine _not_ being together with Yousef anymore.

  


### Apartment chat: Sunday 18 March

Yousef: **Here is a link to the apartment and the address. I will meet the landlord and Mikael there at 15:00 on Tuesday**

Sana: **Ok, I’ll be there**

Yousef: **But… did we earlier decide that we are getting married and moving in together in 2 years?**

Sana: **I said I love you. In my world that means I want to be with you, get married etc. the whole package**

Yousef: **:D**

**Can I tell people this? Like can I say it to Elias?**

Sana: **Do you want to? Start telling people?**

Yousef: **Well, yes. Do you?**

Sana: **We can start to tell people**

Yousef: **:D**

**So this is 4real now! Does that mean we are engaged?**

Sana: **I suppose so…**

Yousef: **Should I ask your dad? Or is that lame?**

**And get a ring?**

**Never done this before**

Sana: **Yes and yes. My dad would probably like the gesture**

Yousef: **Ok, but we can do it together, right? (both dad-thing and ring-thing)**

**I am shitscared to mess up now**

Sana: **Yes, we’ll do it together! Don’t be scared**

**And I am no expert! Never done this before either!**


	13. The next step

### Coffee dream: Monday 19 March

Sana had been having another dream that bothered her. She felt like she was moving away from someone, like she was being chased through her house. But she tried to remain calm and walk in a normal pace away from the person who was following her. She walked through her room and had to pass several layers of white delicate curtains before she reached the balcony. It was a woman following her. It was her mother. And then the balcony fell.

 

…

 

At breakfast Sana observed her mother's methodical movements, putting things in order, talking to her father about the coming week and making sure that her children had what they needed. There was so much care in her way of being, she was in perfect harmony with everybody else's rhythm and needs. She knew what Elias wanted before he started looking for it and she passed them bread, semolina harcha and tea before they had even asked for it.

 

The dream. Sana had read that being chased in a dream can indicates that you are avoiding something. Unless you are chased by an animal, then it can indicate repressed anger. Sana was not angry now, but she felt sadness over the fact that her mother probably didn’t fully support her being with Yousef. And the signs that Leyla had seen in coffee ground had probably nothing to do with Yousef’s mother, but her own. Was she having mommy issues herself? Relying too much on her mother's opinion? All of a sudden their decision to get married, that should be good news, felt like a burden. Telling her father would be the easy part, he had already showed that he supported her and Yousef. Telling her mother would be another story altogether.

 

It would not make it any easier if she avoided her mother too long. She always use to be able to tell her things. Yousef was already worked up about it, feeling that her mother did not like him. He was always picking up on other people's true feelings and she did not want him to notice any disapproving or doubt from her mother when they told the news. So, she decided that she should tell her mother first, before everybody else, in confidence. “ **Mom, are you home this afternoon?** ” she asked. Her mother nodded and passed her the marmelade. “ **There is something I would like to tell you** ”. Now there was no point of return. Now she had to tell her.

 

### Are you sure?

Sana was walking home slowly. She knew what to expect. She remembered when Simo and Jamilla had told her family the happy news, that they were getting married. Her mother’s calm face and hesitant smile. She had embraced Jamilla and Simo and congratulated them but she hadn’t really been celebrating it with the rest of them.

Sana was only 15 years old then and had followed Jamilla every step of the way. First Simo had not seen her or just didn’t take her serious. Jamilla had been complaining about her blind brother and they had talked about how much or how obvious you could flirt before it got pathetic and seemed desperate. How could one stay mysterious and yet make sure that he would notice you. And then one summer evening when Jamilla was helping to set the table outside in the backyard things started to happen. Simo had noticed her. He was home in Oslo all summer and had never been that helpful with the dinner before or since. Somehow he managed to synchronize his turns back to the kitchen with Jamilla running back and forth to get different dishes and plates. Sana had seen everything, the looks they gave each other, the accidental touching when passing the plates of food on and Jamilla had even let her read some of the messages between the two of them.

 

Sana was truly happy for them and very surprised by her mother’s scepticism. Was this not exactly how it should be? Two young people in love who wanted to be together and get married? Jamilla had been 17 years old but already in third year. The only explanation she got from her mother had been that patience can teach you a lot and that she was worried that now Jamilla would not get to finish her studies.

 

Sana’s mother had always advised her to study and travel while she was young and free, and wait with marriage and children. It was very highly valued in her family, to get a university degree. Her father had reached a high position against all odds by studying hard. Her mother on the other hand had been forced to postpone her studies in literature and arabic language when she got pregnant, first with Simo, then Elias and finally Sana. Bit by bit, course by course she managed to get her degree. Her parents had been very worried about Elias when he wasn’t sure what or if he wanted to study. Studying Marketing and Sales management at Kristiania University College was ok, but they had first encouraged him to choice a more academic education.

 

…

 

When Sana walked in through the door her mother was already at home. She made them tea and they sat down at the kitchen table. Sana could feel the curiosity and expectations from her mother and decided to dive right into it. Like ripping off a bandaid, just get it over with.

 

“ **I love Yousef. And he is good for me** ” she started. “ **In about two years, he will start working full time, and we think it’s good time to get married** ”. Her mother seemed stunned but calm. “ **This is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life. It should not be taken lightly** ” her mother started. Sana prepared herself for what was coming. Her mother continued “ **I don’t want you to rush into something and then later look back and regret it. You are so young and Yousef is the first boy you have been in love with** ”. Sana got annoyed that her mother had called Yousef a boy. Did she think that this was just some kind of teenaged crush? She felt the need to interrupt her “ **Oh, but it is so much more than that. We have a strong connection. He is also my friend and he can be a real partner. Also in difficult times.** ” Her mother listened to her carefully and nodded to show that she was listening. “ **I can talk to him about things. Important things. I have told him things that troubles me and things in my past, even things that I am ashamed of. Things that I would not be able to tell you…** ”. She paused, unsure of how to proceed. Her mother took her hand and assured her “ **You know that you can tell me anything** ”.

 

Sana nodded but started feeling a little frustrated “ **Yes, I know that. But you would not be able to understand everything. You don’t know what it is like to be me, to be young today in Norway. And I am not talking about all the things that scare you, like drinking, parties and sex… I am talking about identity, to be apart of this society and fit in and still stand up for what you believe. But I don’t want to isolate myself and only be friends with people who think like I do** ”. Her mother was listening and trying to understand. “ **With Yousef, I can be me. I don’t feel the pressure to change or compromise. I just feel love and that he is on my side no matter what** ”. She looked at her mother and wondered if any of this made sense to her.

She added “ **It is possible to be a good person even if you are not a muslim, even if you don’t fast and pray and believe.** ” She immediately regretted those last words when she saw a change in her mother's face and wished she could take it back. “ **If that is so, then why do we need God?** ” her mother asked her. “ **I believe that we, humans, need God to find the focus and strength to do right, to be good to each other. That is why we pray and fast** ”.

 

This was not going in the direction that she wanted and it made Sana more confused and frustrated. She normally enjoyed to talk to her mother about faith-issues and the meaning of life. It had always been her mother devotion and interpretation of Islam that inspired and influenced her the most. But now, she felt trapped in between her own conviction and the need to defend or explain how she could love Yousef and why being with him was the right choice for her. Was her mother worried about her, afraid that she was slipping away from her faith, from the right path?

 

She took a breath and tried to explain. “ **I know. That is how it is for me. Praying gives me focus and a break from the everyday world and expectations. Yousef knows that. He sees that it is good and important to me and a part of who I am. He will not try to change that** .” She stopped, she didn’t want to talk too much about Yousef or what he believed, it didn’t feel right. Her mother gave her a tentative smile and said “ **I like Yousef to. But you will have to compromise. And it will not get any easier if you do get married. That is when your relationship will be really tested.** “

 

Sana looked down. She knew deep inside that her mother was right and she did not have an answer for her. They could hear that Elias was home and in the hallway. Sana did not want to talk anymore and felt the need to get out and clear her head. So she ended the conversation with saying “ **Anyway, this is what I wanted to tell you. I think I need some fresh air and some exercise** ”. Her mother hugged her and they parted like that.

 

### Pass the ball

She took the basket ball with her and once outside she felt upset. Like she had been wronged and misunderstood. Like her mother did not take her serious, like it was just blind feeling and hormones playing tricks with her. She thought about all the times that she had talked to Yousef about faith. Not even once had he questioned her or her experience and conviction. On the contrary, the night before he had left for Turkey had had used her own words to defend religion and point out that she had a deep faith even when she had doubts. He knew and understood her. And he listened.

 

Sana was angry with her mother for not understanding, for questioning her faith and Yousef’s sincerity. She thought about all the things that she wouldn’t need to compromise about with Yousef. And then it stroke her, what she should have answered her mother in there. **_In every marriage there will be compromises_ **. Why didn’t she think about that when they were talking in the kitchen before. A muslim husband was not a guarantee for constant agreement in every aspect of life. She got so angry with herself for not being smart or focused enough to take this fight, to argue like she normally did and for letting her mother get away with the last word. And she was angry with her mother for ruining this for her, why could she not just be happy for them and congratulate her?

 

“ **Hey, pass the ball!** ” she heard Elias call from behind. They played a while but Sana was too unfocused. “ **Are you ok?** ” Elias asked her. She didn’t answer. “ **Did you have a fight with mama?** ” he asked. “ **It was not a fight, more a disagreement** ” she answered. Elias understood “ **Oh, I hate disagreeing with her, she is always so convinced that she is right. What was it about?** ”. Sana wanted to tell him, she needed to tell somebody who was on their side. “ **We decided that we will get married** ”.

 

Elias shined up “ **Wow! Congratulations! That is just, wow...** ” he told her and gave her a big hug. Sana started smiling to now. “ **Ok, ok, but don’t tell Yousef I said something, in case he wanted to tell you himself** .” Elias was so happy for them that it made Sana felt a bit better. He was looking at her carefully and said “ **And don’t be sad. Don’t worry about mama, you know how she is, she is just afraid that you will get pregnant and never finish medical school or something** .” Sana rolled her eyes at his comment. “ **Like that will ever happen! Seriously, it can easily be avoided today!** ”. They laughed at it.

 

“ **Did I ever tell about the time mom and dad had the sex talk with me?** ” Elias asked her. “ **No? They ganged up on you together?** ” she asked surprised. Elias nodded “ **Yeah, it was so awkward and confusing. You know, everything mixed up, religion, puberty, the importance of treating girls with respect, responsibilities, meeting someone special and start a family** ” he shook his head. “ **And I just sat there on the sofa and swallowed everything they said and drank more and more tea. I don’t think I ever peed that much in life like after that talk** ”. Sana laughed at him. “ **Dad didn’t dare to talk to me about sex. And it was not so awkward to talk with mom. Beside I already knew most things from friends and school already so it was more about the importance of making good choices and respect for myself and show respect for men in general** ”.

 

Elias nodded “ **They are ok. They mean well** ”. Then he got serious “ **But the thing that affected me the most was when a guy in my class got a girl pregnant, then I really understood what they were on about. We were only 15, the girl to, and he was a mess when he found out. It was crazy, everybody was talking about it. He kept denying that it was his, saying that they had played it safe, that he pulled out in time or something** .” Sana commented it sarcastically “ **Well I guess there are different levels of** **_safe_ ** ”.

 

She got serious again and said “ **But I don’t think it is just the risk of getting pregnant that worries her. She thinks that I am making a mistake. Because I am young and Yousef is not muslim** ”. “ **Ah, so she still thinks that he drinks vodka! That is so funny** ” Elias joked. Sana glared at him. “ **It really is funny when you think about it. I should just tell her all the stupid things some of the** **_good muslim guys_ ** **says in the locker room after soccer practice. Seriously, you are so much better of with Yousef.** ” Elias reassured her. “ **I’ll talk to her, maybe it will help, maybe not** ”. Sana smiled at him “ **Well it can’t hurt right?** ” she said.

 

Elias smiled back at her “ **Don’t worry. You worry too much! I know that it suckes when mama doesn’t agree with you and she is being all suspicious and negative, but she will come around. She will understand eventually** ”.

“ **I hope so** ” Sana answered. “ **It is so strange to be questioned by her. I feel like she doesn’t trust my judgement anymore** ”.

“ **I know. It is like she cannot be wrong. But this time she is, and she will realise it at some point** ” Elias said “ **Anyway you have me on your side, and I am pretty sure dad and Simo as well** ”. “ **I know, but still, mama is mama** ” Sana added.

 

´The mentioning of Simo made her think about something he had said “ **Things are not black or white. We already pick and choose from Islam, what we want to cherish and what we deem as old traditions** ”. Loving a good man, even if he wasn’t a believer, was probably not the worse thing she could do. She refused to look at her love for Yousef as something dirty or some kind of test. It was always describe like that. If you fall in love with a non-believing man, you are being tested. And, in a way, she did feel that their love had been tested the past year now. She was still herself, she had not left Islam or gone to bed with him. So she had reached the conclusion that Yousef did not pose a threat to her faith. On the contrary it had made her more interested in learning about and understanding Islam. She asked more questions now, good, valid questions. The world had changed since the Quran was written, today's society is much more mixed, people are more mixed.

 

### Seeing the apartment: Tuesday 20 March

Sana opened the door to the apartment and stepped into a luminous hallway. Yousef was there, he was happy but different. “ **This is our place now** ” he said and took her hand and lead her into the kitchen and then the other rooms. “ **Our place?** ” Sana asked. She was wondering where the landlord and Mikael were. The apartment was sparsely furnished and the wooden floor was timeworn but soft and inviting under her feet. There was a bed in the bedroom and Sana stopped and looked at it. Yousef kissed her and whispered in her ear “ **We are alone here. We can... you know...** ”. He was starting to undress her and she felt surprised by his bold initiative but she didn’t protest or stop him. She was nearly naked, she felt naked and got shy. He laughed a little and dragged her with him down on the bed and started kissing her. First behind her ear, then on her neck, on her collarbone and slowly, softly leaving a trail of kisses down her body. Sana felt like she could not breath, she was not sure if she was excited or scared. She felt disoriented, was this really happening now? Her blood was pounding so loudly and strong through her veins. She tried to sit up but got so dizzy that she fell back down on the pillow. And when she looked around she was no longer in the apartment, and not naked but in her own room. Yousef was not even there. It had just been a dream. Still it took her a few minutes to shake of the dream, before she felt calm again.

 

Today she was going to look at the apartment with Yousef and Mikael. Later they would pass by a jewelry shop to look at rings and tomorrow they planned to have dinner with her family and tell them. Well her mother and Elias already knew but still, it would make it more official telling her father. Yousef had already told his parents so a logical next step was them meeting her family. They were really doing this. In two years, but still.

 

...

 

The apartment was smaller and darker than in Sana’s dream, but she liked it. The kitchen was old but ok and the bathroom newly renovated. The walls could need a new set of paint, but all in all it had potential. Yousef and Mikael seem happy enough with the place, especially the location, and the rent was reasonable. The balcony was small and facing a small backyard consisting of mostly a barbeque area with some outdoor furnitures, a few pots with plants and a parking space for bicycles. No grass or baskeball hoop. It was ok, there was a park close enough anyway. Sana smiled and thought that this could really become a home. Their future home.

 

…

 

On the way to the jewelry store they talked about the apartment. Yousef laughed a little and it reminded her of his laugher in her dream. It made her cheeks redden and she shivered and had to escaped his eyes. “ **What is the matter?** ” Yousef asked. “ **I think I had a deja vu...** ”, she answered and then corrected herself “ **Or I just remembered a strange dream** ”. Yousef got curious and started asking “ **A dream? Was I in it?** ”. She nodded. “ **Ok, what happened? What did I do?** ” he continued asking. Sana tried to change the subject “ **I really can’t tell you, it was just strange and very blurry** ”. Yousef didn’t give up that easy “ **Come on, I know dreams are just dreams. Can you tell me anything? Like the feeling of it, the atmosphere** ”. Sana shook her head “ **No. You were... different. Let’s just talk about something else** ”. Yousef dropped it for the moment and they entered the jewelry store to look at rings.

 

### Dream chat: Tuesday 20 March

Yousef: **About your dream. I was different how? In a good or bad way?**

Sana: **You won't give up, will you!**

Yousef: **I feel like I can’t even defend myself now! Please just tell me!**

Sana: **But it was not really you, it was a dream**

Yousef: **Even more interesting! It was your unconscious idea of me…**

Sana: **Heh? That does not make me want to tell you**

Yousef: **Ok, so maybe not your idea of me but just some unconscious issue…**

Sana: **hmm, it was a bit… erotic…**

**are you happy now!**

Yousef: **Yes!**

**and worried!**

**how was I different? do you want me to be different?**

Sana: **No! you were more... dominant, more bossy! I don’t want that**

Yousef: **I could be bossy…**

Sana: **No you can’t**

Yousef: **Ok, you are the boss.**

**But, just for fun, what did I do that was so bossy?**

Sana: **hmmm, you are not giving up are you?**

Yousef: **Plis pretty Sana plis!**

Sana: **ok...**

**you made me undress and then started kissing my neck and continued kissing me going down, kiss by kiss**

Yousef: **wtf! I “made” you undress? 8o**

**how far did I get! with the kissing?**

Sana: **to my belly**

Yousef: **I love your belly <3**

Sana: **you have never seen my belly**

Yousef: **I love the idea of you having a belly**

**and I love your dream**

Sana: **It was a bit scary… the dream**

Yousef: **well I am sorry but... that is all on you, your unconscious, I am innocents here!**

**The real me would never make you do anything you didn’t like**

**Do you want me to be more bossy? boss you around more?**

Sana: **No!**

Yousef: **ha ha, not even unconsciously?**

Sana: **No! I never should have told you!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I have three chapters left wrapping up this story, almost finished, just some small editing left... if I can stop my brain from popping out new distracting side-stories all the time.
> 
> Maybe that would be a future idea, short future side-stories whenever they come to me...
> 
> Coming up - telling people, busy days finishing school, I just had to have include some Los Locos rolling incident and some more family and relationship drama.


	14. This is really happening

### Family business I: Wednesday 21 March

Telling Sana’s father that they wanted to get married was the easy part, like expected. He hugged and kissed Yousef, chuckled and warned him about vodka. “ **You know, I cannot trust my only daughter with a man who drinks vodka. You understand that right?** ”. Yousef tried to reassure him that he didn’t drink and that the bottle they had found almost a year ago wasn’t even his. Elias was in a good mood, calling Yousef blood brother. “ **This is great. We will be related by blood! When you have kids, I’ll be their uncle, by blood** ”. Sana’s mother congratulated them and started talking about inviting over Yousef’s parents soon, maybe even this weekend if possible.

 

During dinner Yousef told everybody about the apartment he was moving into with Mikael now and later with Sana. He made sure they understood that he could afford it in two years, without financial support from their families. Like he was trying to prove that they knew what they were doing, that they were not children. Even Sana’s mother seemed impressed, like maybe she was seeing him in a new light, not just as Elias silly friend but the future husband of her daughter. Or at least Sana hoped so. Her father assured him that it was normal to help young couples get started and that they should not worry too much. He mentioned Simo and Jamilla as an example, that it is not easy to live on student grants or loans. Sana didn’t say much. She had a strange feeling of it all being both surreal and the most natural thing in the world, so there was not much to say really.

 

Later in the evening, after Yousef had left and Elias was helping her mother with the dishes, Sana’s father looked at her with love and said “ **My little girl is not so little anymore. And getting married. It’s nice to have that settled** ”. “ **So you are not worried? That we are young, and that Yousef is not a muslim anymore** ” Sana wondered. At least she wanted to feel that she had her father’s full support. “ **No, I am not worried. He seems to calm your busy head** ”. He kissed her on the forehead and answered “ **Know who you are and your values. When you know this, then you are free. Then you know that you are making the right choices. Yousef is a good boy, he will come around. Either way, it is not in our hands, not up to us** ”. He was right. If she focused on her own faith, and felt peace in her heart, she could not be wrong. Now she mostly felt mistrust from her mother, and that she needed to convince her.

 

### Easter break chat: Thursday 22 March

Chris: **Last real easter break ever! So what do you say, bitches on cabin-easter-holiday? areyouwithme?**

Vilde: **your granma say yes?**

Chris: **it’s ours until easter friday if we want it. After that we’ll be kicked out by my cousins**

Eva: **hell yeah! I can leave tomorrow after school**

Sana: **I have a family-thing saturday**

Noora: **ok with me monday-thursday. I work on weekends (afternoon shifts)**

Vilde: **same for me, work, but evenings**

Eva: **Chris! you are my saviour! I need this so bad right now! I hate my life**

Noora: **I assume no boyfriend/girlfriends/lovers welcome, just us five? (William is asking)**

Eva: **No, just us pleeese!**

Chris: **Mutta is on the ferry anyway**

Vilde: **Noora,** **I thought you needed a break from William?**

Eva: **I so need a Jonas-break**

Noora: **I do, but he asked and it’s easier to say he can’t come than that I don’t want him to come**

Vilde: **you can always say that you have your period**

Noora: **I’m not going to lie about my cycle! We believe in honesty**

**And it’s not a sex-break I need! It’s a break-break from everyday life**

Sana: **? but no honesty about NOT wanting him to come to the cabin?**

**You are allowed to want to be with just your friends!**

Noora: **That’s tactics, not dishonesty. Why hurt his feeling unnecessarily?**

Chris: **seems complicated**

Sana: **He probably needs a break from you to now and then**

Noora: **Hmm**

Eva: **We should bring alcohol and get pissed**

Noora: **Why?**

Vilde: **We totally should! have a fancy wine dinner with candles and all, dress up a little**

Eva: **and put on some Marvin Gaye… ok I see where this is going Vilde**

Vilde: **Ha ha, I already made out with most of you already and so far you have not convinced me**

 

### Family business II: Saturday 24 March

The following Saturday Yousef’s parents came over for dinner. It was pleasant. Elias was a charmer like always and if Sana’s mother still had doubts at least she did not show it. Their parents knew each other a bit better now since Yousef’s father started working with Sana’s uncle when he needed help this winter. The two of them were now planning on expanding the business together by starting a new, smaller electronic shop in a shopping mall. Seeing their parents together made everything seem so real. They were there for her and Yousef, to meet and talk about the future union between their children. This was really happening.

 

After dinner she overheard their fathers talking in the livingroom. “ **Yousef is a good boy and everybody had doubts. It only shows that he thinks about important thing. Not all young men today think** ” she heard her father reason. Yousef’s father agreed “ **They are both good kids. Yousef can be a bit of a dreamer but he is very caring, he has a soft heart** ”. Sana father chuckled “ **Then they complement each other well, Sana is a realist. And they seem very fond of each other** ”.

 

She went on to the kitchen to check how the coffee and cake was coming up. Their mothers were discussing an engagement party and Sana was taken by surprise when they started to ask for her opinion. She had thought that this was it, the engagement, the families meeting, having dinner and cake together. “ **It is not good to wait too long. But is it better for you to have the party before or after Ramadan, considering school work?** ” Yousef’s mother asked her. “ **And have you thought about a theme or color, for decorations, like napkins and flowers?** ” was the next question. Sana panicked and said that she needed to find and ask Yousef.

 

He was standing with Elias, lost in a discussion about rings. “ **What is wrong?** ” he asked when he saw Sana’s stressed out face. “ **Do you know what is going on in the kitchen? They are planning an engagement party!** ” she told him alarmed. Yousef didn’t seem at all surprised and looked confused at her. “ **Yeah. That’s why we are here, right?”** he answered. **“Don’t tell me you have already changed your mind!** ” he added teasingly. Sana protested “ **But they are asking me questions on what date, before or after Ramadan. And about theme colors!** ”. Elias found the scene hilarious and Yousef tried to calm her down by massaging her arm. “ **Ok, breath. Colors… you said what?… black?** ” he said and that only made Elias laugh harder. Sana gave up and buried her face in Yousef’s shirt and pounded her fist on him. “ **Calm down, Sana. You’re in control, you’re the queen. If you decide there will be no party, we can skip it all together** ” he said to calm her down. She looked up at him hopeful and asked “ **Really?** ”. He smiled and answered her honestly, “ **Yes. But there is a big risk they won't take us serious. And I want a party** ”. She was calmer now. “ **Why are you so scared anyway. It’s supposed to be fun, a party!** ” he asked.

 

She tried to focus and understand her own reaction. What was it that had freaked her out? “ **There are so many decisions now. First the apartment and the rings and now they expect me to have an opinion about flowers and napkins! Why are they not asking you? It’s not like I have a plan just because I am a girl. I have never done this before.** ” she told him. He nodded and assures her “ **That is why we need them, to help us. And we are in this together** ”. He looked on the calendar on his phone and seemed focused. “ **Ok, date? Before or after Ramadan? May 5th!** ” Yousef exclaimed. “ **It is perfect, a Saturday and one year after, you know when I walked you home and we played basketball and talked** ”.

 

Sana realised that this would be in the middle of Russe celebrations and said that she needed to call Vilde. Elias was laughing his head of. “ **Vilde? Why is she deciding the date for you engagement party** ”. Yousef looked confused as well, almost worried. “ **She is our russe-bus-boss** ” Sana explained and left to make the phonecall. Vilde told her that as long as it is not in the last week of april or on May 16 it was ok. Sana took Yousef by the arm with her to the kitchen and reported to their mothers “ **Vilde said that May 5th is ok** ”. The women looked confused and Yousef took over and explain why that day was special and that it didn’t interfere much with school. He also suggested bluebells and their mothers seemed satisfied with his explanations and started talking about food and guests.

 

Sana still felt uncomfortable by all the attention and expectations and started anticipating the planning of the actual wedding. It would be mixing so many different people, her grandparents, Yousef’s family and their friends, her friends. “ **I am already looking forward to when all this wedding business will be over** ” she said with a low voice to Yousef. He smiled at her and agreed “ **So do I, so do I** ”. From his smile and the intensity in his eyes she realised that they were probably not thinking about the same thing, so she blushed and started to explain. “ **I meant so that we don’t have to think about organising things, like napkin colors and stuff** ”. He smiled and agreed “ **Exactly. Me too. So that we can do other things instead** ”. She realised that he was teasing her and wouldn’t let him get away with it. “ **Other things? What other things?** ” she wanted to know, to see what he would come up with. He tried to keep it cool, lowered his voice and said “ **Other things. Like kissing you belly** ”. That made her laugh. So that was the best he could come up with? “ **I’m not sure you need to be married for that** ” she inform him with an attitude. “ **Well that is good to know** ” he said waggling his eyebrows. She tried to correct her earlier statement “ **Oh, that was not a promise or anything. I just mean that for some… I was not talking about us** ”. Yousef interrupted her “ **No, no, no, Sana, you can’t take it back now. Why would you not be talking about us, when we were talking about us? I doesn’t make sense** ”. They noticed that their mothers were watching them from the kitchen, as they were smiling and snickering like two fools. She felt shy but happy. They could whisper and look at each other all they wanted now. It was ok, even expected.

 

### Los Losers chat: Saturday 24 March

Vilde: **Ok, I am calling an emergency buss meeting tomorrow morning. 10:00 sharp! Don’t be late or too hungover. We need to plan things and we also have some very good news**

Eva: **“we” meaning you and…? 10 is too early! Can’t we talk in the cabin?**

Vilde: **you’ll see tomorrow! you don’t want to miss this**

Chris: **I hate when you do this. now I cannot sleep all night**

**Can’t you just tell us the news now?**

Vilde: **it’s not my news to tell…**

Chris: **Ok** , **who is pregnant this time?**

Noora: **I don’t think that would constitute as good news…**

Vilde: **You will all know tomorrow. Noora can we be at your coffee house? They are sponsors.**

Noora: **It’s not “my” coffee house and they are not sponsors. We get the same discount as almost everybody else.**

**And I don’t want to be there when I am not working. What about the place at Kuba park? They are normally empty on Sunday mornings**

Vilde: **Good idea. 10:00 sharp at Kuba park coffee house**

Eva: **10:30?**

Vilde: **10:00!**

Eva: **10:00 at my place?**

Vilde: **ok, good idea!**

Sana: **I’ll be there 10:00**

Chris: **so… it is not Vildes news or Evas or mine, Sana, you seem quiet...**

Sana: **I am always quiet**

Chris: **no you’re not!**

Sana: **I am busy, family dinner thing, remember**

Chris: **OMG** **you did it! You eloped with Yousef and got married!**

**That’s why you have been so busy and secretive lately!**

Sana: **We did not elope**

Vilde: **Let’s talk more tomorrow! About everything. Be there 10:00 to not miss a thing!**

Eva: **so you did not elope, but you did get married?**

Chris: **“family dinner thing” my as, starting a new family perhaps**

Sana: **No! Nobody got married this weekend!  I am not that desperate!**

Eva: **I’m sure somebody did**

Vilde: **Nobody on our bus got married. You’ll get the news tomorrow!**

 

### Chris chat: Saturday 24 March

Chris: **you told Vilde but not me!**

**I told you about my birthday present from Mutta**

Sana: **yeah, I kinda wish you hadn’t told me that**

**And you told everybody that**

Chris: **still! Vilde before me!**

Sana: **I only told Vilde because we needed to set a date for a thing that might affect the Russe celebrations**

Chris: **a date? So I was right?**

Sana: **half right… you’ll hear all about it tomorrow, like Vilde “the one and only boss” said**

Chris: **all the dirty details**

Sana: **no dirty details**

 

### In the cabin : Tuesday 27 March

The cabin was the same, not much more to do than talk, read, play games and walk in the forest. Or to cook together and drink wine. Noora even brought a bottle of alcohol free white wine that she had gotten from William, to share with Sana. “ **Yeah, I don’t care so much, I mean there are so much else you can drink, but William thought I should try it and that it would be more fancy somehow** ”. Sana found it thoughtful of him, even if it wasn’t important to her. Vilde shone up, it suited her idea of a fancy dinner while in the cabin. “ **Just because we are in the middle of nowhere it doesn’t mean that we have to eat and dress like lumberjacks** ”. She was met by some protest from Eva who mean that the whole point of being in the cabin was to walk around in comfortable sweatpants and cosy sweaters. The compromise was to have one evening with a fancy three courses dinner when they dressed up.

 

Over dinner they started to talk about the future, what would happen after they graduated.

Chris planned to take a gap year and go to Gran Canaria and work at a resort. She had contacted a few recruiters and started working on her application. Vilde got enthusiastic about it “ **Chris!** **I just might join you then, work as a waitress or with kids maybe** ”.

 

Eva worried about finishing school. “ **My mom has hired a tutor in spanish and one in math** ”. “ **I thought Jonas was helping you study?** ” Sana asked. “ **Well he tried a bit but we just started to fight. It’s better to not mix it, our relationship becomes too unbalanced** ” Eva explained.

“ **Jonas is applying to Uni, political science, right?** ” Noora asked. Eva nodded “ **Seems like it** ”. Noora continued “ **I’m thinking about that to. To wait with journalism and start with some** **_course shopping_ ** **, like one semester with political science or history or literature** ”.

 

“ **_Course shopping_ ** **sound smooth. But not as smooth as Granka** ” Chris added. “ **I agree, the more I think of Granka the better I feel about it** ” Vilde said enthusiastic. “ **Maybe I should join you, it would be good for my spanish. Too late probably… I am so fucking scared of flunking spanish now, and math, I almost can’t focus on anything** “ Eva said.

 

The past three years had passed too fast. Sana felt uneasy thinking about starting a new class and having to make new friends there. At least she and Isak were both applying for medical school in Oslo, so there was a chance that she would know someone the first year. If they both would got accepted that is. But she wondered what would happen with their squad if half of them went abroad. Off course they should travel, see the world, try new things. But Chris was like Elias, she kept them all together and Vilde was a natural leader and good at organising things. Maybe she would hang less with Noora and Eva if  Chris and Vilde move abroad? Anyway it would not be the same. It was inevitable of course, things would change, they would change as individuals. Things had already change now that most of them were not singles anymore.

 

“ **Do you remember in first year, the first time we were here. It was after Eva and Jonas had broken up and before Noora and William got together. We were all singles then for a while** ” Sana stated with a hint of nostalgia in her voice. Vilde nodded “ **And now you are getting married. And I know I like girls and am totally over William. I can’t believe I was so hung up on him once** ”. Eva joined the conversation “ **It is strange how things change and work out. Certain things can feel like the most important thing in the world and then short after it just passes and is not so important anymore. Like my whole Ingrid-drama** ”. Sana added “ **Or like with me wanting to be on a big russe-bus with cred** ”. Vilde laughed “ **You were crazy! The russe-bus was your** **_William_** ”. Eva agreed and added “ **And for me being independent, knowing my own opinion was my** **_William_** “. Noora seemed annoyed “ **I know you mean it symbolic, apart from Vilde, but can you please find another metafore? It is to creepy to hear you use his name like that. Use fixation or hung-up instead** ”. She thought for a while and then added “ **I guess being independent was my fixation as well. The one thing that seemed so important to not loose that it actually created problems. And later my fear of real love and commitment** ”. Eva tried to change then “ **Hmm then being independent and finding my opinion was my solution and my insecurity was my** **_William_ ** **, I mean my fixation** ”. Chris stared at them “ **This is deep shit. Everybody has a** **_William-_ ** **fixation? I have no idea what my** **_William-_ ** **fixation was, or is. Am I not normal now?** ”. Sana laughed and said lovingly “ **That is why we love you Chris** ”. Chris smile back at her “ **Aww, you have become such a softy since you got together with Yousef!** ”. Noora objected “ **Oh no, Sana always had a soft side, she just didn’t show it so much** ”. Sana smiled annoyed at them. No, now she was convinced, they would never grow apart or lose contact.

 

Eva “ **Talking about boyfriends or fiances or lovers…** “ Eva started but was interrupted by Noora. “ **Oh no, let’s not talk about them all the time. We’ve managed to talk about other important things here so far** ”. Sana was just happy that the conversation was not stuck on sexual experiences and asked “ **Why does it annoy you? We don’t even talk about just boys or lovers anymore, we are older, we talk about relationships. That is deep shit.** ” Noora sighted and tried to explain “ **Oh, I don’t know it’s the idea, that girls in movies, and real life, never seem to be able to have a conversion that doesn't involve boys...** ”

 

Eva ignored her and tried to take control of the conversation again “ **Anyway, what I wanted to ask is; Does it annoy you when a guy, or girl, is possessive, like uses positive language. Like;** **_You are mine_ ** **,** **_You belong to me_ ** **etc. Or do you like it?** ”.

Chris answered “ **Oh yeah, I love it. There is something dominante about it, like he knows that he wants me. It makes me weak** ”. Noora answered more hesitating “ **Yes and yes. It annoys me but I am embarrassed to say that like it. I know I am contradictory!** ”

 

Sana had to think before answering “ **I don’t know. We don’t do that really. But I don’t like jealousy or a partner showing signs of being controlling, so I don’t think I would like it. I’d prefer him saying;** **_I am yours_ ** **or** **_You belong with me_ ** **or** **_We belong together_ ** **than** **_You belong to me_ ** ”.

Vilde lamented “ **I wish I had someone I could call my own now** ”. She had complained about the difficulty in finding interesting girls who lived close by and was in more or less their age-group and also the difficulty in finding time to go on dates now that she worked so much on weekends. There was two girls she had been chatting with but not met so far.

 

### Easter break chat II: Tuesday 27 March

Yousef: **How long are you gone? I miss you**

Sana: **Back on friday. Get a hobby!**

Yousef: **I could come and visit?**

Sana: **do you know how long it is to Hemsedal?**

**there are no free beds left either and too cold for a tent**

Yousef: **no room for me in your bed ;)**

Sana: **ha ha, you wish**

**already sharing the bed sofa with Vilde anyway**

Yousef: **Oh, should I be worried?**

**Ok, I googled it, Hemsedal is too far, I work tomorrow and thursday**

Sana: **Is the kindergarten not closed? for easter break?**

Yousef: **Nope, some parents don’t have easter break and that means that some kids will not have it either.**


	15. Busy days

###  April 

Most of April flew by fast. Noora had a birthday but no big celebration, just a fancy breakfast with her friends and Kollektivet-family. Sana was busy with school and in mid-april the Los Losers van started rolling. The lack of sleep and expectations from Yousef’s mother, among others, to be involved in almost every part of the engagement-party-planning made her cranky sometimes. But Yousef seemed able to handle her and get her relaxed and focused on the good. “ **Just think about it, our families and friends are so happy for us that they want to celebrate this. And this is us telling the world that we are serious about each other** ” he said to motivate her.

 

There were still some tension between Sana and her mother. She felt like she had gotten some kind of acceptance when her mother confirmed that “ **This is your decision and your life, not mine** ”. But she still couldn’t shake the feeling that her mother thought that she might be making a mistake. Simo was home more often and pointed out that Sana should not focus only on what their mother says but see that she was putting a lot of time and energy into practically organising things for their engagement party. “ **Actions says more that words sometimes. She is slow. Like you! She needs time to get convinced, to get used to the though. She doesn’t know Yousef like you do. And if she was totally against it she would have ordered ugly flowers and bad food** ” he joked. Sana looked at him doubtfully “ **We both know that she would never do that. Not even if I was to marry the biggest fuckboy in Oslo** ”. “ **No, but then she would tell you straight out that you were wrong and that he was bad for you. I have never heard her say one bad word about Yousef. And you know that she was urging me and Jamilla to take it slower to, to not rush things** ”. he continued. “ **That’s the thing. We are not rushing anything. We’ve been together much longer than you two had when you got engaged and we plan to get married in two years. I’ll be older than Jamilla** ” she protested. “ **And I never wanted this stupid party anyway** ” she added grumpy. “ **You might not appreciate it now, but you will be thankful and happy that you did it afterwards** ”. he assured her.

 

Vilde was the ultimate russe-bus-boss, early on she had stated that her vision was quality russe-celebration, not necessary quantity and for it to be fun it had to fit with their lives and other things happening. She had suggested a full russe-break from 1st to 6st of May because of Sana and Yousef’s party. Still it was a bit inconvenient for Sana that Ramadan was starting the 15th of May and the 16th would be their last all night as russ before the national day celebrations the day after. But, this was going to be a once in a lifetime crazy period celebrating finishing 13 years of school together with her best friends and she did not want to miss a thing.

 

###  Los Losers chat II: Friday 13 April

Eva: **ok, who can meet? Need to do something, my Friday plans just got cancelled, had a fight with Jonas**

Chris: **Sori, Mutta-weekend! He will start doing 2 weeks on the Cope-ferry on Sunday, then 2 weeks home**

Vilde: **He’s like a sailor boy :) Sure he doesn’t have a Cope-girlfriend?**

**Sori Eva, I’m working**

Noora: **What did you fight about?**

Eva: **he agreed with my mom that I need to study more… don’t I know it!**

Sana: **he has a point, can you imagine doing year 3 again - and without us!**

Chris: **Wtf Vilde! now I get paranoid! Maybe not a Cope-gf but like a ship-gf, like a hot cleaning lady or the gift shop girl!**

Vilde: **Don’t worry. Give him a great weekend and tell him you don’t tolerate cheating**

**Put on nice underwear!**

Eva: **Noora, Sana? I am dying here!**

Noora: **I can come over, but I think you should make up w J**

Sana: **I can come to. Need an excuse to dodge engagement party planning, I am going crazy!**

Noora: **Yousef’s mom?**

Sana: **yeah, Y’s mom is too much, my mom is too quiet, Y is just trying to keep everybody happy, which is annoying to sometimes**

Chris: **I need to get a job on that ship!**

Sana: **Chris -** **don’t be desp!**

**sounds like a sweet deal. 2 weeks of freedom and then 2 weeks of being spoiled!**

**I should talk Yousef into working there for the summer**

Noora: **Or his mother**

Sana: **ha ha, no I should put her on a cruise around the world**

Eva: **so gurlz… when are you coming over?**

Noora: **almost on my way**

Sana: **chill, I’ll be there, bringing cake**

Vilde: **be safe it is Friday 13th!**

Eva: **that explains it!**

**yeah cake!**

**anyway I can’t wait until we start rolling next week! #Russ18!**

Chris: **#blackout2018**

Vilde: **soon, soon!**

  
  


###  You forgot?: Saturday 28 April

Sana had been out until 4:30 with the Los Losers bus. This was the third late russe-night since it started and she was wondering how long she could keep it up. One of the biggest bus-parties, a national meeting in Stavanger was coming up in two days. Well, at least today was a Saturday and she didn’t have to go to school. It was almost pointless going to school after a late night. Still due to rules on minimum attendance most people went, no matter how hungover or tired they were.

 

She was hungry, she had slept longer than normally, only waking up for prayers and going back to bed. On her way to the kitchen she heard voices, her mother and Yousef talking. She stopped and looked at them, sitting by the table, busy in a discussion. Her mother was involved in language cafés with norwegian conversation training and wanted to find a way to attract more women, some of who had small children. “ **Maybe the library could be a good location. They have a nice kids area there** .” Her mother noticed Sana first and smiled at her. “ **Sana, you are up! Finally!** ” she said. “ **Yousef has been here almost an hour. I even thought of waking you up** ”. Yousef turned around to face her. “ **I didn’t know that you were coming over this morning** ” Sana said. Yousef looked at her disappointed “ **You forgot? We said we would go and pick up the rings today, together** ”. Sana bit her lip, she had totally forgotten about that. “ **Can I at least have some breakfast first?** ” she asked and opened the refrigerator. “ **You do remember that we have an engagement party next week right?** ” he asked to be sure. Sana nodded “ **Yeah, yeah, Vilde won't shut up about it** ”.

 

…

 

It was nice sunny weather outside so they decided to walk into the center, passing by the basketball court  _ Idioten _ on the way. The bluebells there were still closed. “ **If they have blossomed next week I’ll pick some for you** ” Yousef promised. Sana knew that they had orderer bluebell-flower decorations for the party, that would probably be bigger and more beautiful than these wild flowers. Still she would always prefer these, it had another feeling, knowing that Yousef had picked them here.

 

Everything went fast at the jewelry. They just tried on the rings, checked the inscription and paid the remaining cost. The last time they had been there they had ended up having a long discussion about what date they should inscript on the inside of the rings. There had not been a classical proposal, more of a discussion followed by a chat confirmation. They ended up choosing to put each other's names and 18 March 2018. There were no other date more suitable, they had not even started to plan the engagement party yet at that point.

 

Yousef suggested that they’d go to Uranienborg park and lead the way to the bench where they had met the day he came home from Turkey. Sitting there he turned to her and simply said “ **Ok, this is me officially asking you to marry me. Do you want to?** ”. She laughed delighted at him and answered “ **Yes** ”. Then she raised her eyebrows and asked him “ **Do** **_you_ ** **want to marry** **_me_ ** **?** ”. He smiled and nodded and said “ **Yes. Otherwise I wouldn't have asked you** ”. He kissed her. They took up the box and exchanged the rings and put them on. “ **Are we allowed to wear them now? Or should we wait for the party?** ” Sana asked. Yousef scratched his head “ **I… don’t know. They are our rings, we paid for them so I think we can do whatever we want with them. Anyway the worse thing that can happen is that somebody has an opinion about it and we have to take them off and put them on again next Saturday** ”.

 

“ **Well at least now you cannot say that I never proposed to you** ” he stated. She pulled her eyebrows together “ **So this was the proposal? No flowers and you didn’t even go down on your knees or anything** ” she protested. He was stunned. “ **What?! You are dissing my proposal! Look at this location! Right over there is where we had our first kiss** ” he pointed with his whole hand. “ **Besides the flowers, the bluebells hadn’t bloomed yet. And going down on one knee would be proposal-suicide with you. You’d end up saying that it was a cliche and that I was just pretending to be romantic** ”. She laughed at him “ **That is probably true** ” she agreed. “ **Anyway, now I am hungry** ” she added. “ **You are always hungry. This time I didn’t bring any food so I think we need to go and buy something. Falafel-roll?** ” he suggested. She agreed “ **Let’s take the place where you can add halloumi** ”.

  
  


###  A full moon over Stavanger: Tuesday 30 April

The sky was clear, it was a warm night for April, music in the air and true festival feeling with everybody dancing and having fun. There must be around 3000 people at the russ-meeting in Stavanger, people and busses everywhere. Eva was euphoric. “ **This is life! No worries whatsoever! Just pure joy with my best friend!** ”. She had been under a lot of stress lately, by school and arguing with Jonas. Her mother was working a lot like usual but still somehow managed to stress Eva about school and her grades whenever she was home in Oslo.

 

Around midnight Sana and Noora took refuge in the Los Losers van. They had lost the other girls in the crowd and needed a break, feeling like the only two sober people in all of Stavanger. They exhaled and laughed when they closed the van and finally got the chance to breath and shut out some of the chaos outside. “ **Sana, Sana, I blame you! I only joined a russe-bus because of you, remember!** ” Noora accused her. “ **Yeah, it’s crazy. What was I thinking back then?** ” Sana answered. “ **Well our girls seems to have fun and we will laugh about it when we get old** ” Noora added. Sana laughed at that image. “ **I can see us, the five of us at a retirement home talking about our crazy days. Eva with a whisky bottle hidden in her cardigan** ” Sana said.

 

“ **Is Willam also pouting about you dissing him for us most nights now?** ” she asked Noora. Noora nodded “ **A little. So I feel like I have to make it up to him later. Has Yousef been complaining? You dumping the party planning on him now?** ” she asked. “ **He did one time. Then I threatened to postpone the party. After that he hasn’t said anything** ” Sana said. “ **Anyway they already had their russ-period two years ago. And I made a huge compromise accepting to marry a non-muslim to** ” she added. It was meant as a joke, Chris would had laughed with her, but Noora just made an awkward attempt to laugh and looked a little worried. 

 

“ **How does that work now? Will it be like you’ll be living in sin or something? Even when you are legally married?** ” Noora asked. Sana thought about it. She wasn’t sure when or how she had reached the conclusion that she didn’t see it as something wrong. “ **No, or some people might think so, but I have come to peace with it. I don’t feel guilty anymore, for loving Yousef. It’s like I have tested him, and myself and our love passed the test** ”. 

She thought about it some more. “ **Yousef has this theory, The big revue party religion. He sees the whole world as one big revue party, and people stand in groups because they don’t want to stand alone. And I was thinking that I would stand with Yousef on any revue party. And with you, my loser squad. I would not necessary choice to stand with the muslims present over you** . **So maybe some people might think I am living in sin with Yousef, but I doubt that I could please them anyway, so why let them set the rules and decide what is right for me?** ” Sana explained. 

Noora was fascinated by her. “ **Well I think that you are brave. You and Yousef. Not caring what people think and getting married so young. And it’s strong that you are waiting with sex too, I’m impressed! In one way it was almost easier to know that William loved me for me before, you know, when he wasn’t getting any. Now, sometimes sex can seem so important or the only thing that keeps us together. Even if he has started to open up more, he still shuts down and keep a lot inside. And then, I don’t know what he is thinking, or feeling.** ”

 

They were interrupted by Vilde knocked on the window. “ **Here you are! I can’t find Chris or Eva** ”. Sana and Noora got worried and started looking for them. There was a full moon but with 3000 people around and a lot going on everywhere it was hard to know where to start. They started sending messages to the Fuckalicious-bus, the Pepsi Max / Flawless-bus and some other friends from Oslo, and after half an hour they had found Chris. She was wasted and rambled about Eva and a Tequila race with Julian Dahl. Olivia, one Pepsi Max-girl texted that Eva was by the Fuckalicious bus and that there had been some conflict because she had vomited inside the bus.

 

There, by the front tire of the bus they found Eva laying down, passed out. When they asked Julian Dahl what had happened, he couldn’t give them a full picture but they understood that she had been thrown out of the buss and that she had fallen at some point. Sana got angry at them for not letting her know and asked how long she had been like this. Nobody could say, only that Eva had slurred a lot, and that they had helped her sit up a few times but she had fallen back down again.

Sana pulled her up and thought she seemed cold. She was breathing but her breath was slow and her pulse was weak. She tried to wake her, but she didn’t respond. “ **Noora, go and get somebody from the Red Cross tent now! I think we need an ambulance here** ”.

  
  


###  Did you have fun? : Wednesday 1 May

The five of them spent the rest of the night at Stavanger hospital waiting for Eva to wake up. She did wake up for a moment but went back to sleep almost immediately. The doctors suspected alcohol poisoning and she was receiving intravenous infusion fluids in her arm and medical personnel checked in on her regularly. Eva’s mother had been contacted and she was on her way there on the first available flight but it would take awhile.

 

In the morning they decided that Noora and Vilde should stay with Eva until her mother arrived and Sana and Chris go back to Oslo with the van and the driver. “ **Your parents will get worried if you don’t come back as planned** ”. It was a 7 hour drive. They tried to sleep and didn’t talk much on the way home. Chris felt guilty for losing Eva and not reacting sooner. “ **She was doing shots with Julian Dahl earlier and I just laughed and cheered. I thought it was cool that she could drink so much** ” Chris told her with tears in her eyes. Sana tried to calm her down and said “ **You couldn’t possibly know how much she would drink** ”. Chris stared at her “ **The doctor said she could have died. If you wouldn’t have insisted on an ambulance, she might have ended in a coma or died** ”. It was first now that Sana understood the full gravity of the situation. She had felt that something was very off when she insisted on an ambulance, but she had acted mostly on instinct and been so focused on what the paramedics and later the doctors were saying and doing that she had not thought about the possibility of losing Eva. “ **We should try to sleep. We cannot do anything more now** ” Sana said to Chris.

 

Sana was dropped of at home first around five and hugged Chris before she went inside. Everything was like normal in the house, her parents were in the kitchen talking and Elias was showing Yousef something on his computer in the livingroom. “ **Did you have fun?** ” her mother asked her when she came in. She answered “ **Yeah, yeah** ” with a tired voice when passing through the kitchen. Yousef looked up and could immediately see that something was wrong and went up to her. She threw her arms around him and started to cry. She had not cried in the van, she had tried to stay brave for Chris, but now she couldn’t keep it in anymore. She felt so tired and dirty and realised that she must smell to. Yousef stroke her back but didn’t ask anything. “ **She could have died. Eva** ” Sana said after a while. Her mother had come up to them, wondering what had happened. “ **There was an accident. Eva. We’ve spent half of the night in Stavanger hospital, she is still there** .” Sana explained and then she excused herself and went to take a shower.

 

In the shower she continued crying. She didn’t know how much she should tell her parents. She didn’t want to lie but she didn’t want them to get worried either. And she didn’t want to expose Eva’s drinking habits too much. She felt guilty for not having talked to Eva about it earlier, the dangers with extensive alcohol consumption, but she did not want to moralise or seem judging. Drinking or not drinking was a personal choice. Still there had been signs, Eva had been anxious and wanting to drink even more that usual lately.

  
  


###  Too much locos in Stavanger chat: Thursday 2 May

Eva: **Hi girls, I am going home now. I think I got too much locos in Stavanger**

Chris: **You scared us gurl! Don’t ever do that again!**

Eva: **I’m sori :(**

Sana: **how are you feeling now?**

Chris: **Like my stomach has been turned inside out and my head is stuffed.**

**and I have the weirdest bruise on my left arm, like a stripe… does anyone know how I got it?**

Vilde: **No, we lost you, but Julian Dahl said that you feel when leaving their bus. Or when they kicked you out!**

Eva: **omg! Julian Dahl! Now I remember…**

Chris: **The tequila race?**

Eva: **Yeah, and dancing in the Fuckalicious buss, the flashing lights...**

**and throwing up on a seat…**

**shit, I tried to hide it under a sweater and another guy got angry…**

**if you meet them tell them I am sorry, I don’t want to deal with them now**

Noora: **You don’t have to think about that now, just get well, ok!**

Eva: **My mom said that I am grounded from anymore russe celebration**

**But can she really ground me? I am over 18!**

Noora: **I think we all got too much locos in Stavanger**

Vilde: **Yeah, we can all do with a break from drinking and partying now… maybe, just maybe do a last rolling with the van on May 16?**

Sana: **I am with you Vilde, you are the bo$$**

Chris: **Agree!**

Noora: **Me to <3**

Sana: **Rest and get well now Eva so you can come to our (alcohol free) engagement party on Saturday!**

Eva: **I will, wouldn’t miss it for the world**

**besides… it’s kinda nice having an excuse to not go to school and my mom has been extra sweet too, taking time off from work**

  
  


###  The Party: Saturday 5 May

Simo had been right. As soon as the engagement party was over Sana was happy they had gone through with it. There was something about being surrounded by friend and family, everybody their for their sake, being all dressed up and so happy for them. 

 

It was fun seeing different people mixing. Even was talking to her mother and Yousef’s father was talking business with her uncle in a corner until her own father came and interrupted them. Jamilla was talking with Leyla while Vilde was cuddling with little Alexander beside them. William had heard that Emelie was a lawyer and was asking about her work and her Aunt and Noora seemed to have found some common interest to discuss by the drinks table.

 

Yousef’s brother Cengiz had come from Istanbul just for the party and his children Feride and Melik were excited to get to be on a party with their cousins. They were running around blowing bubbles and laughing. Feride had fallen, scratched her knee and got comforted by her mother. Melik had managed to get tomato sauce all over his shirt and needed a change. At one point Asya yelled out loud “ **I need to pee!** ” and her father Kasim hurried with her inside. Sana laughed, it was pretty much like on a drunken russe party.

 

Watching Yousef from a distance, standing in a crowd of other young men, she felt like her heart stopped for a moment and she realised how happy she was and just how much she wanted him. Seeing him standing there, she thought that all other men seemed so grey in comparison to him. He moved her emotionally more than any man she had ever met. No religion or reason could change that.

 

When he noticed her looking at him he walked over to her and said. “ **It feels like I haven't talked to you all day, apart from practical things** ”. She nodded in agreement. “ **But it’s not so bad. The party. It’s nice** ” she admitted. 

“ **Did you get a chance to eat?** ” he asked indicating the buffé. She nodded “ **Oh, yes, I always make sure I eat. For everybody else's sake** ”. He laughed, knowing what she meant. Hungry Sana can easily become cranky Sana. “ **How about you? Have you eaten or just mingled around?** ” she asked. “ **I should probably take another plate. For everybody else's sake** “ he answered. They sat down by Eva and Eskild. Eva was feeling a lot better now. She had been back in Oslo a few days but not been to school yet.

 

Jonas had been asked to read a Rumi poem and stood on a chair and managed the get everybody’s attention.

 

_ Bliss _

_ the instance _

_ spent seated _

_ on the terrace, _

_ me next to you _

_ two forms and _

_ two faces _

_ with just one soul, _

_ me and you _

 

_ The chatter of birds _

_ the garden’s murmur _

_ flowing _

_ like a fountain of youth _

_ as we stroll _

_ through roses, _

 

_ me and you _

_ The stars of the firmament, bent low to look over us _

_ Let’s eclipse them, shine like the moon, _

_ me and you _

 

_ Me and you join, _

_ beyond Me _

_ beyond You _

_ in joy _

_ happy, released from delire and delusion _

_ Me and you, laughing like this, _

_ reach dimensions where celestial birds suck sugar cubes _

_ Magical! me and you, here, _

_ in our corner of earth, _

_ but wafting on airs of Iraq and Khorasan, _

_ me and you _

_ In one form here on earth _

_ in other forms in paradise, _

_ eternal, sunk in fields of sugar, _

_ me and you _

 

After the poem Leyla sang a few love songs accompanied by Kasim on guitar and they even managed to get Yousef to play percussions on the two last songs. Leyla had a deep and soft voice that fitted the melodic and soothing songs she was singing. Sana recognise a few of them but not all.

 

During the performance her mother came and stood beside her watching Yousef play with his siblings, put an arm around her shoulder and squeezed her closer and said “ **You seem happy** ”. Sana smiled at her and answered “ **I am** ”. 

Her aunt also came and joined them and after the last song she started telling Sana about the premarital counseling courses she and her husband was assisting with at the Islamic Center. “ **We always start with the couples filling in a questionnaire about their expectations on the marriage, roles and responsibilities, religious views and personal hopes and goals in life. And then we discuss it in a group and the couples get the chance for counseling alone as well** ”. 

Sana thought it sounded interesting but she was not sure Yousef would feel comfortable with participating. She remembered the counseling she had gotten in 8th grade and how exposed she had felt back then. She looked questioning at her mother wondering if it had been her idea. Her mother understood her without a word and started to explain. “ **I just care about you, and Yousef. I think this could give you a good start in your life together. Many couples do the mistake to not talk about things until there is a problem at hand** ”. She added “ **Simo and Jamilla did it** ”. Sana made a mental note to ask them about it. She reassured her mother and aunt that she would talk to Yousef and think about it. “ **After all there is no rush, we are getting married in two years. But send me the questionnaire.** ” Her aunt said that she understood and added “ **Two years is a long engagement. Are you sure you want to wait that long?** ”. Sana didn’t know what to answer and excused herself to join her friends at the other side of the backyard.

 

Yousef had started playing with his nieces, letting them climb on him and spinning them until they got dizzy. Sana caught herself thinking that maybe this was it for them, that they were practically already married. Sure they would have a wedding in two years but if it would probably just be a civil ceremony and without any religious part of it. So it would pretty much just be a bigger version of this party, with the purpose of showing the world that they were serious about each other. They had already taken the decision and promised to stay together now. She would not change her mind and Yousef, well he believed they were soulmates.


	16. Nothing

### Getting a good start: Tuesday 8 May

Sana looked at the premarital counseling questionnaire her aunt had sent her. The instructions said: “ _We suggest that the husband and wife to be answered all the questions separately and then discuss the answers with the group. In case of sensitive questions the husband and wife to be can talk to a counselor together or individually_ .” Some of the questions seemed to be a matter of opinion like “ _What do you think makes a happy marriage?_ ” or “ _What are your main interests or hobbies?_ ”. But there were also other questions, like “ _What is the purpose of marriage?_ ” and “ _What are the responsibilities or obligations of a husband and wife?_ ”, that seemed to have the purpose to open up for deeper discussions and the opportunity to learn more about Islam’s view on marriage.

 

Her aunt had explained it. “ **Many couples doing the course comes from different backgrounds, different schools of Islam so we spend some time talking about that. Then we have a part on communication and how to settle conflicts and the last part is about setting common goals, personal, couple and family goals** ”.

 

She had asked Simo and Jamilla what they had thought about the course and counseling and they remembered the course a bit same and a bit differently. “ **It was a bit difficult for Simo to participate since he was living in Copenhagen, but we managed somehow. I did some parts alone and then talked to Simo on skype afterwards** . **But sure, now we use some of what we learned when we argue. I think the preparation was good, to force yourself to reflect on spiritual, emotional and practical aspects of being together, living together** “ Jamilla explained

 

“ **To be honest, I don’t remember all. I still don’t think that you can do a course and learn how to be a husband or wife. You have live it and learn by experience, do mistakes and ask for forgiveness. It was a bit weird to talk in a group about this, but I think everybody more or less felt like that. And I thought it was weird to be in a group lead by our aunt and uncle. The best part was talking with Jamilla afterwards. It gave us an excuse or reminder to talk about those things.** “ Simo added.

 

“ **But,** **have this course or counseling ever lead to couples breaking off the engagement instead?** ” Sana wondered worried. Jamilla answered “ **It happens, but it is not common. Or so they said on the first day of the course, that this is your chance to find out if you really want to get married to the other person. I think it is more common that couple who didn’t get premarital counseling end up feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage or get a divorce. Doing the course shows that you are serious about it** ”.

 

Sana still thought it seemed interesting, she wanted to talk about these things and learn more. But it felt wrong to try to pressure Yousef into going to a muslim marriage course. She didn’t mind the questionnaire, it raised many interesting questions. It was more the counseling part, her aunt and uncle being so close to her, and her uncle being friend with and doing business with Yousef’s dad. And then there was the whole group discussions, them talking about marriage in a group were all the others couples were muslim. She wasn’t sure that suited her or them.

 

It also bothered her that her aunt had questioned why they would wait two years. To Sana it had sounded like a warning, like long engagements were risky. Why? She had heard her mother talk about that too, concerning other couples, not them. Why would a longer engagement be worse? And two years is not that long either. She was in no hurry and neither was Yousef it seemed. In two years they would be older, more prepared and have their financial situation sorted out.

 

She sent the questionnaire to Yousef with the message. “ **I don’t know if we want to do this. It feels like we are already talking**.” He didn’t answer, but then again, she knew that he was busy moving to the new apartment now. He and Mikael had gotten the keys the first of May but with everything going on Yousef had only moved a mattress and some cloths and the most important things so far. He had a lot to of school work as well she had noticed.

  


### Housewarming: Saturday 12 May

Yousef and Mikael were having some friends over on a small housewarming gathering. Chris and Mutta had brought an enormous pack of toilet paper for them. Even and Isak had brought spices, especially cardamom but nobody expect them understood why. Adam had managed to get balloons from a friend who worked at McDonalds, which was much appreciated. “ **No real party without them** ” Mikael had said enthusiastically. Sana and Elias had brought a bunch of blue-patterned pillows and blankets, the once they had bought at IKEA for the engagement party to make it cozier outside. “ **Mom thought that you might need these, you know, to give your home a soft, cozy, feminine touch** ” Elias explained. Mikael and Yousef were a little offended “ **So she doesn’t trust our feeling for interior design!** ” Mikael exclaimed. Yousef argued “ **Well she has a point, look at this place? But I don’t think it’s the lack of taste, but more a priority. Give us some more time, and money, and this place will be so nice you will not want to leave** .” Even promised to send them invites to all the upcoming flea markets. “ **You can really make a bargain on furnitures and design articles at some of the backyard flea markets, in the snobbish areas. People just want to get rid of their stuff there**.” Even explained. Around eleven most people were moving on to another party. Sana and Yousef were not up for it and decided to not go and soon they realised that they were the only two staying.

 

Sana helped Yousef clean up a bit, bring the glasses and bottles to the kitchen. Yousef asked her in a playful way if she wanted to try his new bed. He laid down on the bed and made a lame attempt to pull her down with him. “ **Come on, nothing will happen** ” he promised. “ **Hmm, nothing will happen** ” she repeated suspiciously. But she gave in and layed down on her side, facing him. “ **How do you define** **_nothing_ ** **?** ” she asked. He was very pleased that he had managed to get her down beside him and started to explain “ **Ok,** **_nothing_ ** **is maybe not the right word but… I mean, I believe that we can be alone together and be close without letting things go too far. I believe in us** ”. His eyes were honest and warm and he sounded so positive and sure of himself. It made her feel like she was being negative and distrustful and it provoked her. She was tempted to actually take his word for it and decided to trust him and just relax for once. Dr Skrulle had said that it was important to be able to relax. If this is what he wanted, it was just as much up to him to prove himself right and not let things get out of control. Why should the woman always be the guardian of morality and the one responsible for setting boundaries and saying no?

 

He was looking her in the eyes but also somehow passed them. His hand was soft, like a girls, caressing her cheek. She took it and kissed his palm, it smelled like olive soap but tasted salty. She loved those hands, and his solid arms. She started naming the muscles while touching them; “ **Brachioradialis, biceps, triceps and deltoids** ”. He laughed at her. “ **So that’s what’s going through your head right now. You are so such a nerd** ”. She smiled back at him and put her hands on his heart and continued “ **And here we have a strong heart, but I can feel it speeding a little… I wonder why?** ”. Yousef laughed again. “ **Is it so? Are you examining me now Dr Bakkoush?** ” he teased her, smiling like crazy.

 

She leaned in and kissed his lips and he immediately answered by putting his arm around her, his palm on her lower back and pushing her closer. She felt his body heat through the textile of their cloths and got very aware of him, of his breath, his heartbeat, his whole body against hers. His hand wandered down her back, stopped on her hip and then landed on her thigh.

 

She got annoyed but her cloths, there was just too much material, her long cardigan had gotten twisted and she feared that her hijab was getting loose or might get out of place. Maybe she should just take it of? After all Yousef was not a stranger but her future husband. But what would it mean and signal if she did take it of?

 

Yousef’s arm was back along her spine, it was strong and determined holding her close in a firm grip. She felt the blood rushing through her body and a warm and pounding sensation between her legs. It was nothing new, she had felt it before, after her dream, just not like this, being so close and being all alone with him. She was dizzy, happy and scared, all mixed together, letting her fingers run through his hair and caressing his face and neck.

 

He was kissing her softly, her lips and face. Then he stopped and got very still. His embrace got looser and they just lied there looking into eachothers eyes. His eyes were dark and intense and she stared into them for what felt like forever. Was he trying to tell her something, ask her something? “ **What’s wrong?** ” she asked. He answered with a faint smile “ **Nothing is wrong. But maybe we need to cool it down a bit?** ”. She nodded, he was probably right. She was wondering how he was feeling but didn’t dare to ask.

 

She turned to her back and looked up in the ceiling. He should get a nicer lamp, this one was terribly ugly to look at, she thought. She didn’t want to go but still asked “ **Maybe I should leave? Go home?** ”. He had a loose arm around her and seemed very ambivalent before he answered “ **Can’t you just stay just a little bit longer? I know it’s getting late, but I can walk you home in a little while** ”. “ **There is no need, I came by bike** ” she answered.

They stayed like that a little while and then she gave him kiss him on the check, stumbled up on her legs and went to the bathroom. She washed her face with cold water and checked that her hijab and cloths were in order. Yousef kissed her forehead in the doorway when she was leaving. He seemed both happy and sad when he said bye and good night.

 

…

 

Sana didn’t sleep well at all that night. She felt happy but restless. There were too many thoughts spinning through her head now, making it difficult to relax. She kept thinking about Yousef, about his body and mouth. He was her man. Would things change now that they were engaged? Bit by bit, step by step, the little things, the small decisions. Yousef had his own apartment and Mikael would be away lot, on the ferry working. They could be alone there if they wanted. She could go there after work or school and stay late. If she wanted to. They were getting married. Maybe she should get an appointment for contraceptives? That would be the smart and responsible thing to do. Eva had talked to Noora about the vaginal ring, it seemed easy and safe with few side effects. But eventually she did fall asleep.

  


### Playing with fire chat : Sunday 13 May

Sana: **Are you awake?**

Yousef: **Yeah, good morning my love**

Sana: **About last night…**

**You know that we are playing with fire, right?**

Yousef: **Ok? but I don’t see it like that.**

**I think we just proved that we can handle it very well**

Sana: **Really? So for you nothing has changed now?**

Yousef: **What has changed? What do you mean?**

Sana: **we are engaged and all**

**we were alone last night**

**You have your own place**

**idk, maybe you think that it changes things**

Yousef: **Are you saying that you want things to change?**

Sana: **No! Not really**

**But maybe last night I did, for a while**

Yousef: **:D Wow**

**Nice to know that you are thinking about it**

Sana: **You don’t know what I am thinking**

Yousef: **Ok, I know nothing…**

Sana: **And you are not making things easier**

Yousef: **Why should it be easy?**

**I am positive. I don’t walk around thinking about what we should not do**

**I think about everything we will do... one day <3**

Sana: **Ok? But last night… what was that?**

Yousef: **It was nothing**

**I like being close to you**

**but I am still set on waiting**

Sana: **Don’t you think it is risky? To start a process like that..**.

Yousef: **No. We didn’t go that far**

**It doesn’t just happen unless we make it happen**

**And we are so many steps away from that**

**And I am Yousef!**

Sana: **Ha ha, you’re not that Yousef!**

**hmm, idk, do you want to meet for coffee and talk?**

Yousef: **Ok, when? where? Mikael is still sleeping here**

Sana: **Nooras coffee house in 30 min?**

Yousef: **Ok, but 45 min. Need a cold shower first.**

**Haha just kidding. 30 is ok**

  


### Would it be that bad? : Sunday 13 May

Sana was confused. She felt like a child, clueless. She knew more about sex than she wanted to, still she knew nothing. Last night had been a big thing for her, the closest to actually having sex she had ever been. It had kept her sleepless most of the night. And to Yousef it had been _nothing_? He thought that they had not gone that far. What was she missing here? Was she being naive? She did not think of herself as a naive person, it did not fit her.

 

Ok, so sex would probably not be like in the movies, where people start to kiss and then they get so full of desire that they cannot possibly stop or control themselves anymore and the next second they are in bed together having passionate sex. Yesterday they had stopped and they had both been fully dressed. He had not made any attempts on getting under her clothes either. So technically it had just been a horizontal hug and some kissing. Still the thought of it made her feel a bit guilty. She had let her guard down and she had been playing with him, stirring up emotions. She felt like it had been out of her control. It had been exciting and scary. And wrong. Maybe.

 

He stood with his hands in his the pockets of his jacket, waiting for her outside the coffee house. He had a boyish smile on his lips and since the weather was nice he suggested to get take away coffee and go for a walk. “ **You’re cute when you’re nervous** ” he said teasingly to break the silence while they were walking towards the park. She glared at him annoyed and stopped herself from saying anything that could be interpreted as hostile. Then she started to at least try to explain her point of view. “ **Look. Ok, for you, last night was maybe nothing. But for me…** ” She felt her face was burning up just thinking about it. Why was this so hard to talk about?

“ **I know we are getting married and it might seem pointless to wait then, because we know that we will get married and one day… make love.** ” She needed to breath. He did a lousy job trying not to smile. Was it a guilty smile or because he still thought she was just being cute? She tried to ignore him, to focus on what she wanted to say and continued. “ **But for me, it is more that I don’t want to feel like I gave up, myself. Like I changed my values because I wasn’t strong enough. And if somebody would think or assume something, well then at least I know it was not so** ”.

 

Yousef was calm but defensive “ **You don’t need to convince me. I’ve already accepted the terms. And I love you, did I tell you that?** ”. Sana felt exhausted. Love, ok, like it would solve everything. Ok, so maybe she was mostly trying to convince herself then? Setting her values and priorities straight. Either way, he didn’t convince her. One thing always leads to another and step by step they would become like every other couple and just start doing whatever felt good. “ **I am telling you, if we go on like this, being all alone, being close… we will end up having sex** ” she said seriously, shaking her head. They stopped walking. Yousef turned and  looked at her long, dubiously and seemed a little offended. He drank some coffee before he started to oppose her calmly. “ **I disagree. We will not have sex if we have decided not to. And anyway, would it really be so bad if we did? I am not trying to make you change your mind, but I really don’t think it is the worse thing that could happen. The worse sin there is. We love each other and we plan to stay together** ”.

 

She sighed heavily like she was ready to give up. Ok, so maybe they didn’t have the same values and now it was becoming a problem. “ **No, it would probably not be bad at all. But it’s not what I want** ” she answered looking away. She was a angry with herself, why did she say that, that it wouldn’t be bad. She was being too personal, too exposed. Why couldn’t she argue better for what was right here, that it was right to wait. She really needed that damn islamic marriage course right about now. Was she already beginning to lose her own conviction? Was this one more step in the inevitably wrong direction. Or was she being stubborn, holding on to a religious conviction that maybe, just maybe did no longer make sense to her? Love, yes they did love each other.

 

He was still looking at her, reflecting on her words and like always noticing that this was really troubling her. He took a step closer and embraced her before he answered “ **I hear you, Sana** ”. Him saying her name like that made her feel weak and relieved. She didn’t need to have the best arguments or scream, because she didn’t have to convince him at all. He was hearing her, listening to her. Respecting her.

 

He cleared his voice and continued “ **I don’t know what to say more now. I like being close to you, so much** ”. He was right, it was nice to be lost in his arms like this. To stay close. “ **But I don’t want you to… I don’t want it to be a problem or feel wrong** ” he continued obviously emotional holding her closer. “ **We’ll figure it out together, Yousef** ” she answered. “ **Together** ” he repeated and she could hear on his voice that he was smiling.

  


### Ramadan and the future

The russe celebrations were over but Ramadan had just begun and Sana had a few exams left. She had applied for medical school in Oslo and Bergen in Norway. Abroad she had applied for Copenhagen, Gothenburg and Gdansk. Anyway first she would work half of June and all of July with customer service for the Copenhagen ferries. Isak had applied to more or less the same universities. They had talked to Simo about studying in Copenhagen and chatted with two norwegians studying abroad in Gdansk to get an idea of what to expect. Even was set on moving with Isak anywhere, he could always get a barista work in some other city and he still had not figured out if or what he wanted to study.

 

Elias had gotten a good sommerjobb supporting online marketing campaigns and was also helping his uncle and Yousef’s father with their shop, doing a campaign towards students in Oslo. Yousef had some papers to write and an exam left to before summer. After that he was not going to work at a kindergarten for once but at Oslo sommerpark by the climbing area. He needed to do a two day introduction course and then start working in June.

 

Noora already had a job and was planning working most of the summer at the coffee house and start to study in the end of August, probably political science with Jonas. Chris and Vilde were leaving for Gran Canaria in the end of June and Eva had gotten a summer internship at the city hall through her mother's friend. She was not all that excited about it and still considered joining Chris and Vilde on Gran Canaria later on. Vilde was more worried about Chris and Eva’s boyfriends if they moved to Gran Canaria then they seemed to be. “ **No, Mutta says he will visit on his free weeks and it feels good that it will be me leaving him for once**.” Chris said. Eva didn’t want to let Jonas plans set the limits for what she could or could not do. Still she still might stay in Oslo in the autumn too.

 

Sana had not talked to Yousef much about how it would be if she would move to study abroad. Part of her thought that some distance could be good for them, make some things easier. After all she had some good memories from their long distance relationship last summer when he was in Turkey. She was not sure he would agree with her on this though and chose to not discuss it unless it would happen. In the middle of July she would know for sure if she had been accepted at Oslo University or not.

 

They organised a picnic for Eva’s birthday. Sana was fasting and a bit tired but it was still nice to hang out. Some people played kubb and they had brought music so there was some spontaneous dancing, although nothing like last year. Noora joined Sana and Yousef on a blanket right before Yousef left for his turn to play kubb.

 

“ **I can’t believe one year has passed already, so much has changed** ” Noora said without specifying what she meant. Sana nodded, remembering Eva’s last birthday, when she found out Yousef thought of her and him as soulmates and William came back all of a sudden. The scare from when Eva had gotten alcohol poisoned in Stavanger has put it’s mark to on all of them, but it would probably pass. She knew that Eva hated it, she was often telling everybody to not drink less just because she was being more careful now.

 

Sana had one thing on her mind that she was meaning to ask Noora for some time now but never seemed to get an occasion. Well this was a good a time as any. “ **Noora, I been wanting to ask you something. It’s a little personal but I don’t know who else to ask. You don’t have to answer, or be detailed or anything…** ” she started. Noora seemed reserved, sitting on the blanket with her legs crossed but her back straight. “ **Is it about sex?** ” she asked cautiously. Sana nodded but corrected her “ **Or more precise about not having sex** ”. She tried to formulate a question, but it was harder than she expected. “ **You didn’t have sex with William in the beginning. But you still slept together and you know… wasn’t that difficult? I mean was it problematic sometimes?** ”. Noora tried to remember. “ **Well I had set the rules, no sex. And William wanted to change the terms, but he still respected them**.”

 

Sana tried again “ **But, being in bed together, sleeping together, it just seems so… like starting a process and then just stopping** ”. Noora laughed “ **Yeah, it was just like that. Sure it was frustrating sometimes. But I didn’t want to give in and just do it. It took time for me to trust him and to stop thinking of him like the fuckboy he used to be. To trust that he really wanted me for me, not just to get me into bed** .” Noora looked at her “ **Are you having second thoughts? About waiting? You are getting married and all, nobody would judge you** ”. Sana laughter “ **Believe me, I know many people who would judge me. But that is not why I want to wait. No, I have not changed my mind. I just feel guilty when things get… too much** ”.

 

Noora nodded “ **When you start the process… yeah, I felt guilty too sometimes. But still not. Sex is not a right. I should always be a gift. And if you already said no, and that you want to wait, well then he knows it and can’t expect anything. So it is really just as much up to him. If he doesn't like to start the process, he can just say so** ”. Sana felt relieved and answered “ **I know! That is exactly what I think. But it’s not always what I feel. When I over analyse it I feel guilty** ”. Noora was worked up “ **Why should us women alway be the responsible and guilty once? Technically I should not be responsible for more than my own feelings and my own sexuality. He need to protect himself and figure out and say what works for him, like when he need to cool down or get some space** ”. Sana blushed, thinking about it. At least apparently she was not the only one who had ended up in this situation. She wanted to ask more, about the actually sleeping together in the same bed without having sex, but she didn’t know how. Probably there were no answers to her questions, just something she needed to figure out with Yousef herself. What felt ok and what felt like crossing a line. Either way, she should not think about it too much during Ramadan. She should try focus on other things.

 

Eva came and joined them. “ **So what are you two gossiping about?** ” she asked. They had been sitting very close and talked with low voices. “ **Nothing really** ”, Sana answered and it was true, they had talked about how to do nothing. “ **We have to stick together this summer, especially when Chris and Vilde leave** ” Eva stated. Noora and Sanna agreed, and they also agreed on that the thought of them being only three was strange. “ **Well we still have Isak and Even** ” Sana added. Noora and Eva nodded. “ **And Isak is friend with Jonas and Even with Yousef and they are getting to know William better to** ” Eva added. Sure, their boyfriends had met a lot, at different parties, but they were not close friends or anything. Maybe that would change now.

  


### I think I will explode : Thursday 7 June

Only one more exam left before school would be over forever. Only six hours left of fasting and one week of Ramadan. Sana was meeting Yousef by the University College. She hadn’t seen much of him alone lately, they had both been so busy and tired. Yousef suggested that they’d walk to Uranienborg park but Sana said she was too tired to walk around a lot. “ **Ok, what about Slotts park, it is closer just five minutes walk. We can lay down on a blanket and just listen to music or something** ” he suggested. “ **Did you bring a blanket?** ” she asked surprised. “ **Yeah, we are in the middle of picnic / hanging-out-in-the-park season so...** ” he answered indicating his backpack.

 

It was not only Sana who was tired by fasting and school, also Yousef seemed weary and low today. They found a spot half in the sun and half shaded by the crown of a tree. Yousef took out the blue checkered blanket and they sat down on it. “ **Are you ok?** ” Sana asked. “ **Yeah, sure** ” he answered but looked away. Somehow he didn’t convince her so she kept observing him, waiting for him to say something more. He took out his phone and started to show her some new music that he discovered lately on Spotify. She didn’t care much about the music, she cared about him, but she nodded and listened and pretended to be interested anyway.

 

She came to think about that it was not just her having exams these days and asked “ **How did your exam go? Do you know yet?** ”. He looked away and answered “ **It didn’t go well. I’ll need to do a re-exam in two weeks or in August** ”. Sana was surprised but tried not to show it. Studying had always seemed so easy for Yousef. He was passionate about it, she never heard him talk about needing to study more or complaining about the courses or being nervous about exams. He only talked about all the interesting theories and discoveries he read about. “ **It is very common with re-exams I’ve heard. And you have been so busy, with the party and moving into the apartment”** she started, trying to make him feel better. “ **I failed because I am a stupid idiot and I didn’t study enough** ” he answered self-critically.

 

It angered her that he called himself an idiot “ **You are not stupid** ” she said. “ **Did you ever get a re-exam? Or even a lower grade than a five?** ” he asked rhetorically and made his point. She didn’t even answer, he was right, she had always gotten good grades. “ **Ok, so maybe I am more brainy than you. But you have so many other more important qualities. You are the kindest most empathetic person I know. You are a diplomat, always keep people together and happy** ” she said.

 

“ **It is sometimes tiring to try to keep everybody happy** ” he commented hanging with his head, picking on something that had gotten stuck on the blanket. Sana felt guilty, thinking about how moody she had been, especially before the party. “ **You mean me?** ” she asked sincere and apologetic. He looked up at her. “ **No, not just you. My mom, she had all these ideas for the party and she felt like you and your mother wanting to keep it simple and thought her ideas were too much. I don’t know, she had wanted to be involved more, I guess** ” he said.

 

“ **And, I don’t know if you noticed, but I feel like everybody is on about young men having doubt being normal. But then, when you are ready to get married and have a family your focus has to change. Like with this premarital course too. I don’t know, if I hear anything more about it, I think I will explode** ”. he continued tiredly. Sana had noticed, her father reasoned like that, his father too. Even Simo had talked about Yousef doubting just being a phase. She had not understood that it bothered him that much. He looked up at her, like he maybe had said too much or like he thought that she was disappointed with him as well.

 

“ **I have noticed. And I am also fed up with people saying long engagements are risky. It is really none of their business!** ” she answered agitated. “ **What you believe or not is between you and God** ”. He smiled at her sudden rage. “ **And as for me, I am not just walking around waiting, hoping or expecting you to return to Islam. That is not why I sent you the questionnaire. You are always welcome back off course, but I know who you are, who I have decided to marry. It’s you and me now.** ” she continued. Yousef looked at her overwhelmed with emotions and said “ **Wow. I think I might cry a little now** ”. He buried his face in her shoulder and hugged her and she stroke his back softly. “ **It’s you and me now** ” he repeated.

  


### Stand by your man chat: Thursday 7 June

Yousef: **thanks, for earlier. I needed to hear that**

Sana: **< 3 I stand by my man, always**

**and if I think you are wrong, I’ll tell you so**

Yousef: **I am counting on it**

Sana: **what are you doing?**

Yousef: **cleaning the apartment**

**I should start study for my re-exam. but It’s a mess here**

Sana: **bad excuse, go to the library, then you don’t see the mess**

Yousef: **you call me on my bs?**

Sana: **been there**

**just do it**

**if you start to flunk now, you risk not finish in time for our wedding**

**but I’ll marry you anyway, even if you’re not finished**

Yousef: **ha ha, I am not flunking already**

**but it’s so boring, too theoretic**

**not useful**

**I can’t see why I need to know this, unless I’ll go into research**

Sana: **You told me you’ll do research you when you go to Africa and do observations for your thesis**

Yousef: **you want me to go to Africa?**

Sana: **no, but it seemed like you wanted to go…**

Yousef: **but it’s bad timing, right before the wedding**

Sana: **we have not set a date… maybe summer is bad timing, you’ll be too distracted when you should focus on your thesis**

Yousef: **what?! I don’t want to postpone it more**

Sana: **then earlier, before Africa… we don’t have to decide tonight. And maybe even better if you are in Africa, then you can focus on you, not on keeping everybody happy...**

Yousef: **wait, what? Who will keep my mother calm?**

Sana: **Leyla maybe**

Yousef: **terrible idea, she’ll make it worse!**

Sana: **Elias! she loves him**

Yousef: **that could work**

Sana: **he is good at keeping me chill to**

Yousef: **:) like you said we don’t need to decide tonight**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much left now, I am working on the final chapter.


	17. One year

###  Summer parties : June

There were a lot of parties in June. Sana organised a small Eid-party in the Bakkoush backyard like last year. This would probably become a tradition now. 

 

Two days later Chris and Vilde had a goodbye party before leaving to Gran Canaria. Mutta was on the ferry working, but Chris had already told her friends all about their goodbye weekend at the cabin. She was excited and jumpy about Gran Canaria and so was Vilde who had already started chatting with a few interesting women there on a dating site. “ **I just love this category** **_Lipstick lesbian_ ** **, it is so me. And also look here** **_Chapstick_ ** **, it is so cute, I just love the word** ”. Vilde said showing her own profile and the profiles of her potential future girlfriends. 

 

During the party Yousef took Sana by the hand and climbed up the roof on Chis parents house right before sunset. “ **It’s been a year now since, you know, we made the countdown together to the sunset at Sørenga** ” he explained. They sat there close together and watched the sun setting. Sana thought it was sweet of him to remember it and remind her of that wonderful night.

 

Then Isak had a birthday BBQ as well. Even was freaking out again about whether or not they had bought enough beer and hot dogs. Sana missed Chris and Vilde on the party but she was happy for Isak and even, you could really see how happy they made each other. 

 

Eva was determined to get Jonas to become more friends with William and Yousef, arguing that it would make their lives easier. Sana was sceptical. “ **They are all nice guys, so there is no reason to think that they would not get along. Still it needs to come natural, we cannot decide that they should like each other and be friends just because we are** ”.  Noora added “ **And maybe other friendships will flourish instead. I will start to study with Jonas probably and, I don’t know, maybe you and Yousef will find some common interest** ” she suggested to Eva instead. “ **Ok, ok! We will just hang out a lot and see what happens this summer** ” Eva accepted.

 

Sana wasn’t all that crazy about double or triple dating. It could feel a bit arranged and it was impossible to not compare their relationships, although they were at so different places in life. Eva and Jonas were both living at home and had known each other since 9th grade. Noora and William lived together and she and Yousef were engaged to get married. She prefered hanging out in a group of people more than as couples. Hanging out with Chris and Mutta or Isak and Even made more sense off course, they had established friendships from before. She had never been that crazy about either William or Jonas to be honest and she wasn’t sure Yousef really connected with them either. In the end friendship is a matter of chemistry.

 

Another thing that sometimes troubled her when hanging out much with other couples was that she became so aware of them being different. The others would go home together, and sleep together. That was the norm among her friends, everybody was already having sex. She still had conflicting feelings about sex before marriage and from time to time she questioned her own choices. Small things could remind her of it. A picture, song or a scene in a movie. It didn’t even have to be specifically about sex, it could be anything with a sexy vibe to it that made her think about it and long to be close to Yousef, to feel his skin towards her skin. To start thinking about him wanting to kiss her belly, he had said so once, had he not?

 

Maybe her mother and Jamilla had been right, life would be easier if she had friends that were more like her. But that just seemed too easy and maybe too boring.

 

And even though talking to Noora had helpt her to not feel guilty for starting and stopping a process, it was still difficult for her when those thoughts and emotions became too strong. It still would be safer to not be alone too much.

  
  


###  Home alone chat: Saturday 23 June

Sana **So, Elias says that he doesn’t what to see a movie with us tonight. He wants to go to a party**

Yousef **Ok...**

Sana **And my parents are away all weekend**

**He’s an ashole, I even let him choice film!**

**So we will be alone**

Yousef **Ok… fine with me...**

Sana **Just thought you should know**

Yousef **But you still want me to come over? Right?**

Sana **Yes! I am not going to let Elias ruin our evening!**

Yousef **Well, to be fair… he has his own life...**

Sana **What life?! To go out and get to drunk to even talk to girls!**

Yousef **He should go out more! Meet people, not stay at home with us so much**

Sana **Wadeva, but don’t say it didn’t tell you so when he comes home in the middle of the night smelling of vodka**

Yousef **Give him a break, Sana**

  
  


###  This is not so bad: Saturday 23 June

“ **Sana, should I wear this shirt or this one?** ” Elias asked his sister, holding up two identical shirts, apart from one being black and the other dark grey. Sana was still grumpy because he had changed his mind and ditching their movie night. “ **Where are you going again?** ” she asked. “ **It’s a party in a student dormitory. Nothing fancy but uni-girls, friends of Mikael** ” he explained. “ **Take the black then. Black is always a good choice. But remember to not get too drunk. You’re a lousy flirt when you are drunk, no black shirt can save that** ” she added. 

 

Elias looked at her “ **Come on Sana, I hate when you are angry with me. Any normal person would be happy to get the house all for herself and some alone time with her boyfriend / fiance** ”. She was still pouting. “ **Chill. Don’t worry! Yousef won't know what to do anyway!** ” he joked. 

She glared back at him angry “ **Like you would know! And maybe I am just worried about you? Did that ever occur to you?** ” she said. “ **Besides, obviously you don’t know everything about Yousef** ” she said and regretted it the moment it slipped out.

Elias stared at her surprised for a minute before he answered. “ **Don’t worry about me! It’s a party, I need to meet new people** ”. He hesitated and said “ **And Yousef is a good guy. Just... chill!** ”

She nodded and gave him a faint smile “ **I know. I just didn’t expect this change of plans, that’s all** ”. Elias answered softly “ **You can even have all the Chicken Bastilla mum left for us** ”.

 

…

 

Yousef arrived just in time to send Elias of and wish him a fun party. “ **Have fun and be easy on the vodka, he he** ” Yousef joked. Elias threw his hands up “ **Man, the two of you are almost worse than mom and dad!** ”. And then he left. And they were alone.

 

They got quiet and looked at each other a bit timid. “ **It smells good. What are you cooking?** ” Yousef asked. Sana ran to the kitchen and got there in time before burning the pie she was heating up in the oven. “ **It’s Chicken Bastilla** ” she answered. Yousef seemed impressed and surprised “ **Wow, did you do this?** ” he asked. “ **No, I wish it was me but mum made it for us to heat up before she left** ” she answered. “ **Secret recipe? Perhaps** ” he asked with a smile. They started preparing the table and she avoided looking at him, focusing on getting everything on the table. He stopped her and said her name and when she looked at him he continued “ **This is not so bad, right? Us being here alone** ”. She took a breath, looked at him carefully, his eyes, lips, neck, arms and hand. “ **No, no. It’s... ok. I know we can’t expect Elias or Mikael to always be around when we want to** ” she answered. He sat down and continued “ **We will just eat, watch a movie and then maybe roll around on the sofa a bit…** ”

“ **We are not going to roll around on the sofa** ” she informed him. He laughed “ **No, not even a little? Ok, no rolling around** ”. She rolled her eyes at him.

 

But the truth was that it was very nice being alone in the house. No risk of anybody interrupting them or hearing them joking around in the kitchen. Yousef seem more relaxed in the house now. And he was very sweet to her, physically. He hugged her spontaneously when she was doing the dishes and was being very cuddly on the sofa when they were watching the movie. Sana liked it, it was cosy and relaxing.

 

After the movie Yousef looked at her tired and said “ **Sana, it’s getting late and it’s really rainy outside…** ”. She looked at him and then out the window, into the dark night. She felt sorry for him having to walk home in that weather. “ **So you want to stay over?** ” she asked. “ **Is it ok? I’ll sleep in Elias room of course** ” he added. It felt strange that it was up to her to decide this, like she was the adult in the house. Yousef had slept over before, just never because of staying up late with her and never when her parents were away. “ **Ok, but just let Elias know so he won't be surprised** ”. She went to get the extra mattress, a pillow, blanket and sheets. He came and helped her prepare the bed.

 

“ **I’ll get you a toothbrush too** ” Sana said and went to the bathroom while Yousef looked trough Elias drawers for something to sleep in. He joined her in the bathroom wearing Elias black T-shirt and some grey sweatpants. They brushed their teeth together, it was strangely intimate, standing there, seeing each others in the bathroom mirror.

After there was an awkward moment in the hallway, when they were going to say goodnight and were supposed to go in different directions, Sana to her room and Yousef to Elias room. “ **I don’t want to say good night just yet** ” he said. “ **Me neither** ” she admitted. “ **Maybe you could just join me on the mattress a little? I just want to hold you** ” he suggested. Sana nodded and went with him.

 

“ **Mmmm, I’ve been longing for this for so long** ” he said happily laying together on the mattress. Her back was against his chest and his arms were surrounding her. She smiled thinking about him, he was such a cuddler. Like a puppy just wanting to be loved. Not just with her, he was generally a very physical person, it was not necessary something sexual. Like with his friends or when playing with the children. His nieces always climbs up in his lap to make him read to them and he sometimes wrestled with then trying blow air on their stomach until they laugh like crazy.

 

Maybe this was her new  _ William-fixation _ ? The fear of being physically close, of starting a sexual process. It was something that could created new problems in their relationship, her overanalyzed it. Instead of just chilling, enjoying staying close like this and trusting them. There was nothing sexual about it really, it was more sweet or platonic.

 

“ **One day Sana, we’ll be sleeping together, every night. One day, you’ll be mine… like for real, forever** ” he said softly. Oh my,  _ You’ll be mine _ , talk about using possessive language, Sana thought. And  _ Forever _ , like Dracula's eternal love. Beyond death. Did Yousef even believe in eternity? Well, it made sense, he did believe in soulmates and souls never dies, do they? 

The idea of belonging to someone gave Sana the creeps. But she did like the idea of them belonging together. So she was conflicted once again. Was this showing a controlling side of him? But since Yousef was not really a controlling type of person, she chose not to get stuck on his formulation and instead answered “ **I am already yours** ”. “ **Really? That is just…** ” he mumbled something inaudible and buried his face in the back of her head. “ **You smell so good, Sana** ”.

 

“ **Can you stay until I fall asleep?** ” he asked. “ **If I stay you’ll probably not fall asleep** ” she warned him. “ **Maybe not. But that wouldn’t be so bad either** ” he answered dreamy. “ **I’ll stay a little longer** ” she answered him sleepy.

 

Sana woke up when Elias came home in the middle of the night. Even if he did his best and tried to be quiet, she heard him in the bathroom and silently tiptoed back to her bedroom. It took some time for her to fall back to sleep, she kept thinking about Yousef sleeping in the apartment and that just moments ago she had been sleeping too by his side.

  
  


###  The morning after: Sunday 24 June

In the morning she went up, put on a quick turban and went as quiet as she could to Elias room. She stopped and tried to listen by the door if anyone was awake.

“ **What are you doing?** ” she heard a voice behind her. Yousef was standing there in the hallway, observing her with a grin on his face. “ **I’ve made breakfast** ” he informed her. She looked embarrassed and went with him to the kitchen.

 

He had made a pot of tea, boiled eggs and started to put bread, butter, jam and cheese on the table. “ **Wow. I could get used to having you around in the morning** ” she said and smiled at him. He pulled her in for a morning kiss. “ **So what were you up to out there? Sneaking up on me while I was sleeping? Ha ha, so does this mean that you don’t respect me?** ” he teased her. “ **No, I was just trying to understand if you were awake or not** ” she answered and felt shy in her pyjama and hid her face in his shirt. “ **Anyway, how late did you stay last night? I fell asleep** ” he added. “ **Me too. I woke up when Elias came home, I don’t think he noticed anything, I went to my room when he was in the bathroom** ”. she answered.

 

Speaking of the  _ troll _ , Elias was up, came to the kitchen and said “ **Nice, breakfast is ready** ”. Sana distanced herself from Yousef and said “ **I’ll go and get dressed** ”. Elias looked at her walking away and then at Yousef “ **So, what’s going on here?** ” he asked. Yousef answered defensively “ **Nothing is going on** ”. Elias “ **Oh yeah. So why that smile on your face? And what was it with her?** ”. Yousef just shook his head and seemed embarrassed. Elias continued “ **You should have seen her yesterday before you came, she was so nervous** ”. Yousef couldn’t help smiling again “ **Yeah, I still cannot understand that I could make Sana Bakkoush nervous** ”. “ **You and me both. It’s something unnatural about it** ” Elias commented. “ **By the way, have you told her about… you know, the time in Turkey?** ”. “ **Yeah, yeah, a long time ago. We believe in honesty** ” Yousef reassured him. “ **Good. I mean, it’s non of my business. But still good that you are open and honest. She can get angry.** “

 

Sana came back, dressed, and sat down by the table to have breakfast. She asked about the party Elias had been to. “ **It was… fun. I didn’t get drunk and I am actually meeting someone for coffee soon. It’s funny, she challenged me, she didn’t think I’d be awake this early on a Sunday morning. But now when I sent a message and asked if we are still on for coffee, she asked me for another half an hour to get up and ready** ”.

Yousef poured the tea and Sana started taking bread and asked her brother “ **She? Who is she?** ”. Elias smiled “ **She’s a waitress and a student. You remember Yousef? The one I offered breakfast to...** ”. Yousef laughed “ **You brought me dinner, the least I can do is get you breakfast? That girl? No way** ”. Elias nodded satisfied. “ **Apparently they, she and some friends, have been making fun of our video. So I had to defend it, explain it. And now, we are having breakfast, so I shouldn’t eat too much here** ”. “ **What does she study** ”, Sana asked. Elias tried to remember and answered “ **Oh, shit. It was something smart and interesting. History? Archaeology maybe? Egypotology? Can you study that? We didn’t talk much about it, she mentioned Egypt** ”. Sana frowned upon him and commented “ **Something interesting but you don’t remember what? Does she have a name?** ”. She cut a boiled egg in half and discovered that it was perfectly boiled with a creamy yellow, Yousef was really a keeper, she thought. “ **Yeah, it’s Sara. I need to go now** ” Elias answered and left.

 

When they were alone Yousef brought up a question. “ **I was thinking that you could come with me to Istanbul this year. In the beginning of August when we don’t work. I passed my exam, so I don’t need to be here then.** ” Sana thought about it and asked “ **Where would we live? Is it really ok for Cengiz if I come to and live there?** ”. “ **I think so, I’m not sure when Leyla is planning on going. Anyway we’ll arrange something. Maybe we can visit my grandparents to. They have space** ” he explained. She looked at him. It felt nice but odd planing a vacation with her fiance. “ **It sound nice** ” she answered. 

 

“ **Do you know it is exactly one year ago today since you wrote me that one day you’d take me to Istanbul?** ”. she told him. “ **Yeah, really?** ” he asked trying to remember. “ **Yeah. I got that message on the Eid-party, June 24** ”. she informed him. “ **Well, now you know that you can trust me. Man of my word** ”. he said proudly.

 

So much had happened the past year. First Sana had feared that Yousef and Noora had a thing and then she found out that instead he had been in love with her for years and thought she was his soulmate. They had been through and shared a lot this past year, traumatic experiences, secrets and thought about God. It had been a process, when she started to admit to herself that she just might marry a non-believer and then testing him, testing their love. Setting rules and testing boundaries. Now they were engaged and even had an apartment, a future home. He understood her, he gave her space and let her be moody when she needed to. And she supported him. They made each other better persons, she wanted to be a better person when she was with him.

 

“ **One year. It feels like a lot longer** ” she added. “ **And now one year later we have even slept together, a little** ” he teased her. She looked rolled her eyes at his formulation. “ **You are a very sweet boy aren’t you? I have noticed that. Not just with me, you like to cuddle with the kids too** ” she added. He looked at her strangely like he didn’t understand the comparison at all. “ **Sweet boy? Ok, being with you is nothing like playing around and cuddling with kids** ”, he corrected her. She was confused for a moment and realised that unfortunately she probably had to rethink her theory of cuddling with him being platonic. Damn it!

 

The radio started playing “I feel it coming” with Weeknd. Sana looked at Yousef and smiled. “ **You know when you were going to Turkey and I called you the day before?** ” she started asking him a little timid. “ **Yeah?** ” he wondered. “ **It was strange, I was almost done praying, and then my neighbour upstairs started playing this song. And it made me think of you and regret that I had told you that I could not meet you** ”.

He looked at her suspicious like she was trying to trick him. “ **What? You were praying and this song came from above?** ”

She continued “ **Yeah. I even mentioned your name in the end and right after, this song. And Noora argued that it was fate, that I had to meet you because you had a role in my life and we had unfinished business. So I called you** ”.

 

They looked silently at each other. “ **Ok, now this almost makes me believe there is a God. Before you called, I was pretty much set on using the summer in Turkey to try to get over you** ” he said and looked brokenhearted by just the memory.

“ **Well, you believe in soulmates. So I don’t think you would had given up just yet. And you do believe in fate, right? You have not excluded that there is some kind of divine power?** ” she wondered. “ **Maybe we are not that different, we just express it differently, focusing on different aspects of the same thing** ” he suggested.

 

Looking at everything going on in the world, all the terrible and messed up things, it would be easier to just give up or try to surround herself with people who believed exactly the same as her. That would be the easy way. She had chosen to accept that Yousef does not always see things they same way as she did. And she did trust him, his judgement, He was the most muslim man she knew in many aspects. Always kind, patient and showing respect for others. Being with him would both be challenging and rewarding. She knew that she had made the right choice. Together they would prove that it was possible to love eacher and still not lose oneself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was it, the end. I hope you enjoyed reading.
> 
> I am not sure what I will write now, but I have some new SKAM ideas.  
> I think I'll try something different next time, to write in a Game of Throne style with different POV-characters for every chapter, so you'll only find out what the POV-character knows or feel.  
> And I am thinking about the drama being that somebody gets pregnant and then explore everybody's reactions to it, feelings, opinions and advice. What they only think or what they say and how they'll start thinking "What if it was me/us".
> 
> I'll see how far I'll get... it might get super short and mostly comical using different SKAM-stereotype reactions or it can be deeper and longer, depending on how fun it is to write or how hooked I'll get while writing.
> 
> By the way -does people reading prefer many short chapters often or longer more seldom or the whole story and all together? I like to know where the story is heading when I write, and I often go back and edit things so it will better suit events that will happen later on, but I could still try to publish it in smaller bits more spread out.
> 
> All the best and thank you for reading and encouraging comments, it makes it more fun, even if I mostly write just to explore and entertain my own fantasy.


End file.
